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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Big Flappy Bastards (S01E01)

"It's almost like somebody tipped them off."
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"- You got any other bright ideas? - Yeah."
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"I'm gonna get a drywall guy in there and seal off that room."
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"- Very funny. - I'm not kidding."
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"Either that or sell the house."
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"I'll put it on the market as a two bedroom plus aviary."
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"Are you gonna put him on the market or just wall him off?"
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"I tried with that kid, Alan."
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"He says one thing, and then he goes and does another."
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"What am I supposed to do when he ignores me?"
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"You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys."
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"You already took away all the good stuff."
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"What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler?"
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"Hi. I tried calling but I kept getting your machine,"
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"- so I thought I'd bring this over. - What is it?"
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"It's my master file of handymen, plumbers, electricians, maintenance schedules,"
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"et cetera."
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"Alan, wait."
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"- Yes? - About that kiss?"
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"Alan, you were right. We have to move on."
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"Yes?"
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"The garbage disposal's still making that horrible noise."
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"- I didn't. - The sink trap does not lie, Judith."
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"So, you're not still mad about the seagulls?"
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"Well, I think this is a very good way."
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"Me, too."
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"I'm buying you all this stuff,"
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"but as punishment for letting seagulls in my house,"
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"you can't play with it for a month."
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"Pretty smart, huh?"
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"It's not fair."
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"You know what this is?"
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"They're gone, Charlie."
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"Are you sure? Check under the bed."
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"All clear."
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"I wonder why they left."
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"Whoa, check it out."
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"Wow."
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"- You know what this means, don't you? - Yeah."
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"Breakfast."
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"Okay, we're done here."
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"Don't put your juice box on the piano, it leaves a ring."
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"Remember, you're being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy."
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"Yeah, that doesn't mean she doesn't need me."
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"What the hell is going on?"
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"- What'd you want from me? - He's taking advantage of you"
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"This is not the grownup telling the kid what to do."
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"You know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship."
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"Well, you can rest easy, because no one is using me."
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"Maxine Chernakoff."
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"I don't want to talk to you right now."
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"Okay, here's the deal."
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"Sure."
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"What about Jake?"
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"warranties, authorized repair centers,"
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"Okay."
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"This is so cool, Uncle Charlie."
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"A month?"
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"- So, this is toilet water? - At least."
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"No. You're not listening to me. You need to be firm."
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"That's very funny."
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"What?"
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"What are you talking about?"
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"Please tell me you're not feeding the seagulls again."
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"Mutual kissing. Unprompted, but reciprocated by yours truly."
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"What part of "no TV" didn't you understand?"
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"Alan, wait."
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"- What's in the bucket? - Chum."
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"This wasn't the kiss of a woman who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged."
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"And it's not gonna work with your wife."
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"Your handicap's obvious."
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"All right, keep your knees bent."
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"This sock is soaking wet."
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"I'm allowed to watch TV."
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"you have to be an adult. You have to impose discipline."
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"Come on, who else around here drinks "Transylvania Goofy Juice"?"
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"Yeah, right."
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"I know when I'm being used, Judith, and not in a fun way."
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"I'm really sorry."
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"Depends on what side of the door you were on."
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"is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck."
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"I need you to be my eyes and ears."
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"Your arm straight and swing easy."
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"The guilt thing doesn't work on me, Alan."
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"- No, not here. At Judith's. - At Judith's?"
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"The grocery store."
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"and the flower beds are getting flooded, and I love her and I want her back."
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"Granted. But I do know when a woman's using me."
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"Because if you did, I have two words for you."
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"No? Well, sometimes change happens, Judith, and you can't see it."
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"Hi, Phyllis."
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"Good news."
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"You know, be detached, play it cool. You know?"
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"Well, you know her plumbing better than I do."
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"You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna let her come to me."
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"Goodbye, Phyllis."
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