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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Big Flappy Bastards (S01E01)

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
Two and a Half Men
"How could a box leave a ring?"
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"Got to run to the grocery store."
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"I'm gonna need somebody to fold these clothes."
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"Jake, we take in strangers' laundry because we're poor."
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"I'll be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV."
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"What'd you get busted for?"
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"Okay, here's how it works."
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"We'll play for a quarter a hole."
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"You're short, and you've never heard of the Ninja Turtles."
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"Tempers flare as the pressure mounts."
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"- for the young phenom. - What's going on?"
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"I won. I beat Uncle Charlie."
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"Laundry? Are you barking mad?"
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"I'm trying to teach him responsibility."
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"- Where you going? - I have to bring the garbage cans back in."
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"and she still counts on me to do a few chores."
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"I see."
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"I'm watching a movie,"
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"and you're not supposed to be watching anything."
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"I know."
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"I think so."
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"Who's that guy?"
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"and told him where the money was hidden."
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"Right."
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"- Jake? - Goodnight."
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"I mean Jake."
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"He obviously knows me better than you do."
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"Yeah, fine, whatever. Give me back the remote."
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"Oh, man."
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"Shoo."
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"What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano?"
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"How do you know it's mine?"
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"Look, we don't feed the seagulls because you can't get rid of them."
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"We don't leave the doors and windows open,"
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"because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house."
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"This is just two guys agreeing how to live together."
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"Then where are you going?"
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"Judith's."
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"- Alan. - I have to."
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"Alan, you've been making the same mistake your whole life."
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"Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you."
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"- Did you fix it? - Not quite."
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"would you come and take a look at the garbage disposal?"
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"No, I won't come inside and look at the garbage disposal."
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"Why not?"
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"You're just afraid to move on, so, you keep dragging me over here,"
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"Okay."
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"You have to put $1 in the swear jar, you said "bastards. ""
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"Yikes!"
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"I have a seagull problem."
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"I told you, don't feed the damn things. I told you, don't leave the windows open."
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"Phyllis Siegal."
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"No, I don't know whatever happened to them."
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"We had an agreement, Jake, and you broke it."
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"Hello? Who's this?"
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"Look, I'm really sorry about the birds,"
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"And was it as boring as it sounds?"
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"Don't be silly. He's just a little upset about the 30, 40"
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"- What? - Bait."
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"I went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls like to eat."
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"I made it myself."
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"- What do you want from me? - He's dying for you to forgive him."
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"Now, are you gonna help me or not? I got a serious problem here."
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"Really? Because you look like you have it all together."
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"You know, if they love this bait so much, why would they even wait for..."
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"That room is dead to me."
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"Everybody loves an aviary."
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"He's 10. He's got the attention span of a hummingbird."
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"You know what I'm saying, Charlie. You don't take away your love."
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"Okay, well, you're on your own. Got to run."
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"When you said we should move on, I got scared, and..."
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"Alan, I kissed you out of fear."
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"Hey, it still counts."
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"I keep telling you not to put bones in it."
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"Yeah, I was kind of hard on you, and I wanted to make it up."
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"I'm still mad. I just figured out a better way to deal with it."
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"The world's smallest violin."
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"What are you talking about?"
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"Okay."
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"Maybe because we stopped feeding them."
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"Let's see, what else?"
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"Okay. Here's one of the first things your uncle Charlie wrote."
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"What do you think?"
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"Must have been before my time."
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"I don't know if the grocery store"
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"Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."
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"Whoa, whose is this?"
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"Charlie, you want to field that one?"
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"No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship..."
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"All right!"
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"I painted my room at Mom's house."
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"- What's wrong with that? - I'm 10 years old."
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"- How about a little sock golf? - What's that?"
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"The living room is a dogleg par four."
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"That means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink"
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"- in four strokes or less. - Okay."
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"Oh, man, I'm being hustled."
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"- We can play for less if you want. - Don't get cocky."
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"There's 17 more holes."
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"The 18th hole, all square."
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"The defending champion looks to have an easy tap-in for a birdie"
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"as the gallery waits breathlessly for the rookie to respond."
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"Would you please stop talking?"
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"- Yeah. - It's unbelievable."
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"An eagle on the 18th."
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"This has never happened before in the history of sock golf!"
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"A little help here?"
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"Fans are coming out of the gallery with sacks of groceries"
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"Excuse me, didn't I ask you to fold the laundry?"
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"The child just won the coveted Palmolive Cup."
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"I won. You lose."
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"When I ask Jake to do something,"
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"I need you to help me make sure he does it."
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"Yeah, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth and the lid was open."
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"All right. I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry,"
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"I put the groceries away..."
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"Yeah, well, it's all I got. I'll be back in a little while."
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"Today wasn't garbage day."
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"Alan, your wife threw you out."
Two and a Half Men
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