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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Big Flappy Bastards (S01E01)

"Yeah, it kind of does."
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"Look, we're still married, it's still my house,"
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"It's good. It leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation."
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"So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?"
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"They're on wheels."
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"What are you watching?"
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"Oh, yeah."
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"- Is that guy a good guy or a bad guy? - Good guy."
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"And you're not supposed to be watching TV."
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"- Is that his girlfriend? - Ex-girlfriend."
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"But he still loves her, right?"
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"I'm not going to walk you through the whole movie."
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"- Go to bed, Jake. - Okay."
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"That's the guy he was in jail with"
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"- You're being punished. No TV. - I know."
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"Hey, I'm watching that."
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"I said, "No TV." He said, "Okay. " I said, "Go to bed. " He said, "Okay. ""
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"because he knows you won't follow through."
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"If this is gonna work out with Jake living here part-time,"
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"Okay."
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"- Go to your room. - Yes, like that."
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"I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room."
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"I'm serious. Get out of here, or I will kick your ass."
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"Jake. Jake!"
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"It was on when I came in."
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"Good point."
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"And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again?"
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"Sorry, I forgot."
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"Okay. We need to talk."
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"Love you, Uncle Charlie."
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"- Okay. - No. Don't just say "okay. ""
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"- Are we cool? - Yeah. Cool."
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"- What's going on? - Nothing."
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"- Was he watching TV? - No."
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"Jake, I have to run a quick errand."
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"Why don't you wash and dress? When I get back, we'll do something fun."
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"- Can we watch TV? - Go."
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"Where are you off to?"
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"- You're going to Judith's, aren't you? - No."
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"The timer on the sprinkler system is broken,"
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"Buddy, I feel for you."
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"- Thank you. - Unfortunately, the feeling is nausea."
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"Great. I'll see you later."
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"It didn't work with Mom."
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"It didn't work with either of the women you went out with."
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"And by that I mean not in a fun way."
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"And did you mean that I only dated two women including Judith?"
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"It doesn't seem like you're changing anything."
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"Okay. Fine. When you're done fixing this,"
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"- Sure. - Thank you."
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"Wait, no."
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"Who are we kidding? The marriage is over."
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"and I'm afraid to move on, so I keep coming."
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"Goodbye, Judith. You're free."
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"I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for."
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"- What you got there? - Just a little bread."
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"Man, did you let another one of those big flappy bastards in the house?"
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"Smart, poke the bear."
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"I'm telling you, Jake, this is the last..."
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"I'm really sorry, Uncle Charlie."
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"Hello, do you have a department of animal control or bird abatement?"
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"Seagull."
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"Thank you, I'll hold."
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"I didn't know there'd be so many."
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"Yeah, hi, who's this?"
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"No, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to somebody about seagulls."
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"I got a flock of seagulls in my house."
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"Look, I need somebody who can come over with a net or something."
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"Sure, I'll hold."
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"Annette."
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"Look, I got a room filled with seagulls and... No."
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"Really? Come tell me in Jake's room."
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"What did he do? He didn't paint anything, did he?"
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"I want you to be surprised."
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"You will never guess what happened while I was at Judith's."
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"Neither will you."
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"Oh, my God!"
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"So, what's your good news?"
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"Open the door!"
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"Your kid got them in there, you get them out."
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"Open the door!"
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"That was not funny, Charlie."
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"but I'm sure they'll leave as soon as they get hungry."
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"That's what I thought about you."
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"You know what? Jake and I may be out of here sooner than you think."
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"- What do you mean? - At Judith's, there was kissing."
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"Wow."
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"Charlie, she kissed me."
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"Yeah. That's your home-run swing."
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"Hey, Uncle Charlie, you want to play some sock golf?"
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"- No, thanks. - Where are you going?"
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"I'm going for a drive."
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"- Can I come? - Nope."
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"I don't think Uncle Charlie likes me anymore."
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"screaming, crapping birds in his house."
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"Why don't you write him a note and tell him how sorry you are?"
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"Okay."
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"Don't worry, he'll come around."
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"Sooner or later, everybody comes around."
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"You just have to give them a little time and a little space."
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"Hello, Judith?"
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"We're keeping them?"
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"No. We're gonna throw the bait out the window"
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"to lure the birds out of the house."
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"That's pretty clever."
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"Yeah, it's a variation on something I do with women and tennis bracelets."
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"Hey, Uncle Charlie, I made this for you."
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"Thanks."
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"I see that."
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"- What are you doing? - I'm getting rid of the birds."
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"- Can I help? - Nope."
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"Jake, why don't you go out and play on the deck, okay?"
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"Okay."
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"What is wrong with you?"
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"He worked really hard on that card. You barely looked at it."
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"Fine. I forgive him."
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"We go in there and start throwing this stuff out the windows."
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"When the last bird's out,"
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"we close the window and get on with our lives."
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"You're ready?"
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