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Clips from Schitt's Creek - Turkey Shoot (S01E01)

"Come inside, please."
Schitt's Creek
"That's why you called me in here?"
Schitt's Creek
"No, I think I just need moral support"
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"No, that's not the way to go."
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"That's not a nice thing to say to me."
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"What the hell?"
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"Johnny! Where's my towel?"
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"There you are, John! Where did my towel go?"
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"You know, Moira,"
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"Let's not and say we did."
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"So now I'm fat and stressed?"
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"A little pampering. Great idea."
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"- I think so, yeah. - Yeah."
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"And then other times, not."
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"I've gotta check in the back and see what we have."
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"what you just ordered is gonna run through you like Niagara Falls."
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"when they're feeling a little backed up."
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"Oh. It's basically the same thing."
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"I think that you are the most beautiful girl this town's ever seen."
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"No, I mean it."
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"She never comes, John!"
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"Wow! What a nice gesture."
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"Moira, this sounds too good to pass up."
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"Do it for you because you deserve..."
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"A polite person would now ask me what I'm doing tonight."
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"That's what this is about? Sorry."
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"The animal doctor."
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"I think you'd be good for each other."
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"Did you know Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany?"
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"so I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be fine."
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"I had the pleasure of treating your son's panic attack."
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"- Hunting? - Yeah."
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"What're you doing lurking in our bedroom?"
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"Elton John used to have an annual hunt at his place in Windsor,"
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"It happens every year."
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"to end the first date with a kiss on the cheek?"
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"Okay."
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"So how are your bowels? Good and tight?"
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"Okay, get down."
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"Who wouldn't wanna sign up for this?"
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"Yeah."
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"while I speak with my husband, please."
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"to try something new like this."
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"Okay, David,"
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"Okay."
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"Just let it bleed out."
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"You okay?"
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"Okay, not helping, Ronnie."
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"and there'll be days when your wigs need conditioning,"
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"I don't hate this town, Jocelyn."
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"It's just not mine, and this is not my hair."
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"I need my towels. What... Who did this to you?"
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"Jocelyn. You look like Jocelyn."
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"Jocelyn. And what's your excuse?"
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"until I saw what was happening up there with you."
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"So thank you."
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"- What're you about to do? - It does not matter. It doesn't matter."
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"What?"
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"That."
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"Yeah, look at it."
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"- I'm looking. - No, look at it."
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"Uh, it looks like a bug..."
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"I googled that bug. It's some sort of demonic cricket"
Schitt's Creek
"that takes chunks out of your skin when provoked."
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""Chunks" is the word that Google used."
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"- You googled a bug? - Yeah."
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"I have a thing about bugs with milky exoskeletons."
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"I have this irrational fear, they are gonna crawl into my mouth"
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"and nest at night, so..."
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"So what do you want me to do, kill it?"
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"while I slip a piece of paper under the glass with the bug,"
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"and take the trapped bug and walk it outside."
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"Or we could just kill it."
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"Oh, my God! It's fleeing!"
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"- It's fast! - It's fleeing into the bathroom!"
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"That's why you use the cup method,"
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"because you'd keep it contained!"
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"Now it's just all out!"
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"Well, I guess I don't even need to be here."
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"Oh, It's hi..."
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"Now it's hiding somewhere in the darkness waiting for nightfall."
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"I can't sleep here. I can't sleep here."
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"Not with your mouth open anyway."
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"Okay, bye-bye! Bye."
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"- Yup. - Okay. Hope you catch it."
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"I can hear it. I can hear it."
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"Hey, where's my towel?"
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"John?"
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"Anyways, I asked this kid to come to the front of the class"
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"and solve this math equation"
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"and he was pitching a tent."
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"- He had a boner. - Ah."
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"And then I was thinking, these are young boys, these poor kids,"
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"and it can't be easy having a teacher like myself..."
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"- Hmm. - So..."
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"What was your question, again?"
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"You know, it's been so long I can't remember."
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"Moira! Nanaimo bars."
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"Accidentally doubled the batch and Roland's on diabetes watch,"
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"so I thought, why not share the wealth?"
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"Well, what a lovely gesture, huh, Moira?"
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"John, I had a towel and now it's disappeared!"
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"There's a towel on the back of the door."
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"No, that one has dirt on it!"
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"That's not dirt, I used it to kill a bug."
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"I'm sorry."
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"I guess I'm stressed."
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"Morning, Jocelyn!"
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"if you ever need to just go somewhere"
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"to unwind and have some pampering,"
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"I know a great place in Elmdale."
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"You know, honey, a little pampering might not be a bad idea,"
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"could alleviate some of that, uh, weight you're carrying around."
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"Emotional weight. Emotional."
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"John, go find a towel now, please,"
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"or I will strip out of this robe"
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"and I will air dry in the street!"
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"- Okay, well, I'm just gonna go home. Sorry. - No, no, no."
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"I didn't say I didn't want them. Thank you."
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"Hey, Twy."
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