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Clips from Modern Family - Not in My House (S01E01)

"of a topless woman, with the biggest boobs I have ever seen, driving a tractor."
Modern Family
"Anyway, I had every intention of telling Claire."
Modern Family
"I have a wonderful family,"
Modern Family
"[Humming, Yelps]"
Modern Family
"or I could do something smart and buy something for myself at the casino store."
Modern Family
"- [Cameron] Okay, ready to go. - Make sure you pee first."
Modern Family
"I grew up one mile away from Missouri's largest waterslide."
Modern Family
"They bend over and show their bloomers."
Modern Family
"Okay, I speak a little Spanish. Señor-"
Modern Family
"No, no, no, no. I got this. I got this. I was his age once."
Modern Family
"that our son is going through right now."
Modern Family
"So, just- Let's just- just trust it."
Modern Family
"No, don't worry. It'll be a long time before I bother you again with my pillows."
Modern Family
"Is that just your favorite thing, when your brother or sister gets into trouble?"
Modern Family
"Flincher! Free slap. Bring it up."
Modern Family
"Ow! Twenty-nine."
Modern Family
"He could have a family health issue or a personal health issue or a financial matter."
Modern Family
"without making it your job to fix it."
Modern Family
"Ay. ¿Dónde está mi novio? Su camión está parqueado afuera."
Modern Family
"- I think this has something to do with the gardener. - You think?"
Modern Family
"And now you'll know that I'm not a manic Mother Teresa out there collecting lost souls."
Modern Family
"I got into it with Gloria a little bit. Oh, no. What happened?"
Modern Family
"Ah, she hates Barkley. It's the same stuff I went over with your mom all the time."
Modern Family
"Why do you have to get rid of it then?"
Modern Family
"Anyway, I'm gluing his hand on over here. His hand came off."
Modern Family
"He helps animals. He's always volunteering for things. Trust me."
Modern Family
"Hell, I'm probably fighting with your mom more than I'm fighting with Gloria on this thing."
Modern Family
"and that's gonna create stuff, but you want different."
Modern Family
"Did you draw on my poster?"
Modern Family
"Yeah, I did. Maybe you'll think about that the next time you read my journal."
Modern Family
"Oh, don't be such a baby. It's just some dude with weird hair."
Modern Family
"Okay, I opened it. But I didn't mean for anyone to fight."
Modern Family
"What happened? Who's in trouble?"
Modern Family
"- You know, I'm gonna kill you. - Haley, calm down."
Modern Family
"Oh, please. The most shocking thing in there was your spelling."
Modern Family
"I'm like a big runaway charity truck and Mitchell is my off-ramp full of safety gravel."
Modern Family
"But Luke is my baby."
Modern Family
"Well, this is good. This is good."
Modern Family
"What is this exciting thrift shop you speak of?"
Modern Family
"Many of my relatives were taken out of their homes..."
Modern Family
"You know what? Get out. You mean it? Sweet freedom?"
Modern Family
"Beautiful morning, isn't it?"
Modern Family
"It's a shame you have to work, huh? Yeah."
Modern Family
"Anyway, I'd like a large sausage and pepperoni-"
Modern Family
"It's my stuff, okay?"
Modern Family
"Just keep your hands off my stuff! Hey!"
Modern Family
"I didn't put my hands on your stuff."
Modern Family
"Hey! Just a second, Derek. What is the problem?"
Modern Family
"Alex read my journal. I did not!"
Modern Family
"Why would I even want to read your stupid journal?"
Modern Family
"Because it contains the details of a life, and you don't have one!"
Modern Family
"Oh! Alex, don't read Haley's journal."
Modern Family
"Sorry. My daughters."
Modern Family
"You got kids?"
Modern Family
"Oh. What grade are you in? Phil!"
Modern Family
"Oh, that's my wife, Claire."
Modern Family
"Luke was using my computer for this."
Modern Family
"I'm gonna have to, uh, call you back."
Modern Family
"He told me he needed it to do homework, and then I find this, a-a picture..."
Modern Family
"Okay. Um- Uh, first of all, that's a combine, not a tractor. Phil!"
Modern Family
"Phil! It is smut, and our 10-year-old is looking at smut!"
Modern Family
"It's disgusting! Completely unacceptable."
Modern Family
"Here's the thing. That was my picture."
Modern Family
"Well, not really mine. There's this guy at work who sends out these links."
Modern Family
"He sent out another one of the same woman dressed as a battleship."
Modern Family
"You know, the- You get- Yeah."
Modern Family
"I just wanted her to calm down first."
Modern Family
"Where are you going? I'm going to pick up Luke from his sleepover."
Modern Family
"We need to talk to him about this now."
Modern Family
"Claire, this is a very delicate situation. Mm-hmm."
Modern Family
"If we don't handle it right, Luke might end up having an unhealthy attitude about sex..."
Modern Family
"or agribusiness."
Modern Family
"We'll talk about it when he gets home."
Modern Family
"Okay, fine."
Modern Family
"But I am telling him that every time he looks at porn, God kills a puppy."
Modern Family
"Maybe I should be the one to talk to him."
Modern Family
"[Gloria] I am a very lucky woman."
Modern Family
"a beautiful home."
Modern Family
"There's nothing that I would change."
Modern Family
"I hate the dog butler."
Modern Family
"I keep forgetting it's there. And every time it happens,"
Modern Family
"it scares me all over again."
Modern Family
"Sometimes, at night, I think it's the devil."
Modern Family
"[Whispers] El diablo."
Modern Family
"Barkley? He's hilarious."
Modern Family
"I was in Vegas last month and I was winning. [Laughs]"
Modern Family
"And I thought, I could do the usual, be a chump, give the money back to the casino,"
Modern Family
"He's already a family favorite."
Modern Family
"There you go. Beautiful. There you go. [Laughs]"
Modern Family
"He's a dog and a butler. I mean, who couldn't love him?"
Modern Family
"Ya me cansé."
Modern Family
"Come."
Modern Family
"[Clattering] Dog."
Modern Family
"♪ Hey, hey Hey, hey ♪"
Modern Family
"♪ Hey, hey Hey ♪♪"
Modern Family
"- What am I, seven years old? - No. You do not want to go during the show."
Modern Family
"Okay, that sounds terrifying. No, it's really funny."
Modern Family
"Oh, one of my favorite childhood memories was attending the Moscow Marionette Theater."
Modern Family
"And third largest in the country."
Modern Family
"Oh, really, Cam. You never mentioned that before."
Modern Family
"You feel like- Feel like a torpedo."
Modern Family
"Hey, Cam, does the gardener usually work on Saturdays?"
Modern Family
"I don't know. He comes when we need him."
Modern Family
"He's like Batman but straight."
Modern Family
"[Sobbing] [Cameron] Is he crying?"
Modern Family
"Oh, yeah. We should probably go out the back, huh?"
Modern Family
"He's clearly in pain. How can you just turn your back on a friend like that?"
Modern Family
"A friend? Really? Yeah? What's his name?"
Modern Family
"Caesar Salazar."
Modern Family
"You made that up. You were gonna say "Caesar Salad.""
Modern Family
"Was not. Cam. Come on. Really?"
Modern Family
"Oh. [Door Closes]"
Modern Family
"All right, don't worry, Lily. I'm sure we'll get to the show on time."
Modern Family
"I'm sure Dad is just gonna go out and give an encouraging word to the gardener,"
Modern Family
"hopefully mention the snail problem,"
Modern Family
"and then we are gonna be on- No."
Modern Family
"No, no. Cam, no-"
Modern Family
"- Hello. - I don't think he speaks English."
Modern Family
"Okay, this might be a good time to mention to you..."
Modern Family
"Gracias. [Sobbing]"
Modern Family
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