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Clips from Peep Show - Kid Farm (S09E09)

"And what about now that it's been confined"
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"It's fine. It's double-bagged."
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"and we'll settle this thing once and for all."
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"This children's play centre is your designated snake handover arena?"
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"He can't come at me in the kid farm, can he? It's perfect."
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"Hi, Mark."
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"Jeremy..."
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"April! What are you doing here?"
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"Sorry, I know I said..."
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"But I've had more time to think."
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"You did invite me. 'She came!'"
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"This is my niece, Hayley."
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"Hi!"
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"'She actually came!'"
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"ANSWERPHONE BEEPS"
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"Hans, it's Jez. Come and meet me at the Kid Kave."
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"Just get to Thornton Heath and follow the screaming."
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"I wanted to have a big talk with Angus last night."
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"He was OK, but he was writing to the Pope."
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"'Cuckoo!' Intellectually, he's scintillating,"
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"but he'd never take coke and throw an iPad out the window."
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"Yes, well, that's just how I roll."
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"'Finally, I'm the Ferrari,"
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"'he's the fucking Volvo.' Mark?"
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"Would you like to do something rather naughty?"
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"'Oh, April!'"
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"This is quite naughty."
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"Naughty naughty! Blimey!"
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"'the five sexiest words in the English language."
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"'and the snake."
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"'No, be in the moment!'"
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"Erm, I don't want to break the spell,"
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"but should I make haste to purchase some condoms, perchance?"
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"'or, "OK, we're having a baby"."
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"'Quite interested, but a bit rude to ask.'"
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"'Oh, he's gone totally mental.'"
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"He's saving money to spend on a never-ending court battle."
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"Jarndyce versus Jarndyce?"
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"Exactly."
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"I was looking for you. Hayley's throwing a wobbly."
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"Oh, shit. I'll, erm, take her outside for some fresh air."
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"Hayley? Where the hell were you?"
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"We just did it in the disabled loo!"
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"Mark! You are on fire today!"
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"Me and Sophie and Ian, it was a crazy scheme."
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"It would probably do him so much harm, living between warring parents."
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"Yeah, do what you want, mate, shovel the kid into the kid pit."
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"Better call Sophie, see if she minds"
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"Dunno."
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"I thought you were keeping an eye on him!"
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"Anyway, I probably don't have a high enough IQ."
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"The least you could do was keep an eye on Ian while I..."
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"Hump someone else's wife in the disabled toilet?"
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"Ian! Ian!"
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"Ooh, Mark, mate, something wonky this way comes."
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"'Oh, fuck! She's not here. We never talked. The deal never happened.'"
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"Why, am I not allowed to? Mark's booze patrol?"
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"Oh... But I don't have"
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"a fucking Mazda. Sorry, I've got a fucking Micra."
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"I've made my decision."
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"Dad might think it's mental. Everyone might think it's mental."
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"Look, why don't I call you a cab and you can go home"
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"and then we can have a big chat about everything later, yeah?"
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"Ah, cool your heels, let's have a coffee."
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"I should never have left him with Jez."
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"Ian? Ian!"
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"Oh, for God's sake, relax."
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"It's not like he's on the M25."
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"Ian?"
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"'Oh, this is murder"
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"'on my back.' You know what?"
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"Duncan's a prick. Fuck him."
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"CHILD LAUGHS"
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"The naughty lady likes funny words, cos she's feeling funny."
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"Mark, you're freaking him out."
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"He's not answering."
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"Why aren't you answering? What have you done with him?!"
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"Ian! I like you, Mark."
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"But I don't love you."
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"I hate you. Noted."
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"Oh, this is a disaster."
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"What if he's hurt himself? No!"
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"You show me a sharp corner."
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"What if he's wandered out through an emergency exit?"
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"No, they'll lock them all."
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"They lock the emergency exits?! What if there's a fire?!"
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"Oh, Christ!"
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"SHE GROANS"
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"'I will reverse out of our agreement"
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"'as elegantly as a man backing his car"
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"'into the entire peloton of the Tour de France.'"
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"So, look, I spoke to Molly. Y'know?"
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"Slippery, like a..."
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"Well, I think she's a small-minded, two-faced buzz-killing machine."
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"But..."
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"she said I needed to man up, have the credit changed."
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"She's decent, though. She is. I've always said that."
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"So I made the call."
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"Oh, wow!"
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"Thanks, man, you put me on!"
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"And, erm, have you been back to your flat since we spoke?"
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"Just out of interest."
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"for evidence, and..."
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"I sort of..."
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"killed your fish."
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"You killed Flop? Jesus Christ!"
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"Yeah."
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"I know. I'm sorry. I always liked Flop."
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"And there's one other thing I did that I shouldn't have."
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"I took..."
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"Er... It's fine."
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"Well, no."
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"They cost money, and the bottom line is... 'Where's the fucking snake?'"
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"'Where the fuck is he?'"
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"'Oh, I've lost my child."
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"'I'm such a terrible, terrible human in every single respect.'"
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"Only downside is...the snake escaped. What?!"
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"a snake would be so duplicitous?"
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"They're so famously reliable, snakes."
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"The good news is, I googled it and it's totally not venomous."
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