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Clips from Peep Show - Kid Farm (S09E09)

"Just some kind of homeless ball-pit witch."
Peep Show
"Oh, yeah. Got some new Mandarin flash cards. Take it up a level."
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"I see you're sticking with "the programme"."
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"Poor little bastard doesn't even get a Jaffa Cake."
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"the chocolate reward in sight but always just out of reach."
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"He is going to learn to defer his gratification so damn hard."
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"When are you finally going to get your gratification, Mark?"
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"I don't know. Sort of all at once when I finally dive into my pension pot."
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"Ejaculate into a pile of M&S cashmere jumpers and cruise brochures."
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"Oi, Jez? DOORBELL RINGS"
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"I'd never masturbate into cashmere. A nightmare to wash!"
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"Oh, hi, Sophie. Where's...? I'm sorry, but don't start."
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"Ian's with my mum. Is it OK if we do it tomorrow?"
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"But I've been preparing all sorts of great IQ games."
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"with the odd carob-covered raisin to keep his morale up."
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"Look, I'm sorry, Mark, I need to talk to you. Have you got any beers in?"
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"This isn't America, Sophie."
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"I don't keep random beers in. I might have some rum,"
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"but you probably... Fine, rum."
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"what's happened? What happened with Ian?"
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"Oh, it's fucking Duncan. Obviously, you're going to feel jealous."
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"'Sexless, unthreatening Duncan,"
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"'and tag-teaming the Mandarin flash cards.'"
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"but he's a shit. Oh."
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"..Ian's scores have been through the roof."
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"I do it to me and Jez, too, just to keep track."
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"Of course!"
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"When I saw how Ian could hold a pen, I nearly shat."
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"Well, I think he's getting a bit fucking cosy with one of the mums."
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"Alison. You remember Alison?"
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""Oh, look at my floaty dress, Sophie. Is it too much for the pub?""
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"Oh. Right."
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"Well, I-I think you shouldn't be too hasty."
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"Maybe everything will run its course with Duncan and Alison."
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"You think I should wait until he's bored of humping her?"
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"I just think Duncan sounds like a real catch,"
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"multifaceted."
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"'Just let him get Ian started on the viola and Ancient Greek.'"
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"Remember Grandma's Boner, mid-noughties,"
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"when we teamed up with Perpetual Spinach, did a bit of turbo folk?"
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"All the Whores of Malta."
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"Exactly. Well, Whores of Malta's been picked up."
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"It's on a skills video for a Hertha Berlin defender."
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"Mark!"
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"I've done a thing!"
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"Do you think when I do a search this will come up?"
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"Cos when Joe searched, nothing really came up apart from some"
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"Moby was overrated and should be killed"
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"and his DNA expunged from humanity."
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"cold light of day, it looks a bit much."
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"Yeah, no, no, no, this should come up now on the internet."
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""Lyrics by Super Hans.""
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"Er, yeah."
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"'Definitely, definitely didn't.'"
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"Yeah... Pretty sure I...helped."
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"No, don't think so."
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"Anyway, it's cool, yeah?"
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"Oh, yeah, it's cool."
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"But I just think, would it be cool"
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"to change the credit to a shared credit, though, do you think?"
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"Sure. Sure, I'll speak to the guy. It'll be cool."
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"Cool. Understood. But you'll have a word."
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"Absolutely."
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"Yeah, truth to power, my friend."
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"'I need to get away and count my beans."
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"You're my ballast, Mark."
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"You're my ballast, Mark!"
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"Happy to be of service."
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"'Stop calling me your ballast!'"
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"Hey!"
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"but why don't you move into Nana's cottage with us, Mark?"
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"I'm-I'm sorry, how do you mean?"
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"Fuck Duncan! He can drive around"
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"in Alison's Mazda like a little pimp."
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"You move in with us, to Nana's cottage."
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"We could be a fucked-up family!"
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"You're my ballast, too, Sophie."
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"'I think I'll be saying no to a lifetime of"
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"'passive-aggressive mutual ballast-calling.'"
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"I'm really sorry for turning up like this, but I've been walking"
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"'Talk? Yeah? Very quietly at the door?'"
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"OK..."
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"I know we've had a nice time together,"
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"there's obviously this mutual attraction..."
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"But the kiss, that was wrong."
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"'Not wrong, right!'"
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"We crossed a line, and I don't think we should see each other any more."
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"Look, can we talk tomorrow?"
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"I'm taking my son to a play centre, the Kid Kave."
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"I'm sorry, Mark, I..."
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"Let the dream crumble. TOILET FLUSHES"
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"'Lovely, crumbly dream that I can't even eat with custard.'"
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"Ah, you love people from the past,"
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"Yes..."
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"'Butter the toast."
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"'Eat the toast."
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"'God, life's relentless."
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"but actually, I couldn't sleep"
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"because I became filled with this boiling feeling of rage"
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"and now I've actually decided"
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"it's the worst thing that ever happened. Jez..."
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"It's very important that he doesn't realise that I'm a loser."
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"Because I'm not a loser."
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"for the lyrics on a little bit of song on an internet football video"
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"make you look like a winner, would you say? Yes!"
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"Take the advice of a man who's been scientifically proven"
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"to have above-average intelligence."
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"Oh, not the IQ test."
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"I wasn't concentrating."
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"133 IQ."
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"'So what if I had a bit of help?"
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"'It's only the dunderheads with their low IQs"
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"'who don't figure out the way to win"
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"I'm three times as intelligent as you. Oh, really?"
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"And what's three times 133?"
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"'But then all the threes..."
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"Mark, no-one does maths these days."
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"just like all our maths teachers said we wouldn't."
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"Probably most people are below average."
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"PHONE CHIMES"
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