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Clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000) - The Pickle Gambit (S09E09)

"( theme music playing )"
Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000)
"( lock clicks )"
Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000)
"You think you're safe in a hotel?"
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"like a piece of fucking luggage."
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"Well, look at you."
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"- Mm. Mm. - No?"
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"They don't walk around with their smocks on"
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"when they're not in-- when they're not in their office."
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"All right, well, first of all, I'm-- I'm not able to afford"
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"a dress from Saks Fifth Avenue, so that's not gonna happen."
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"your closet will be packed with dresses like that."
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"Really?"
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"- No more hooker boots. - None. Zero."
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"- Fishnets, out of here. - Out."
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"- I think I could do this. - I think business is gonna boom."
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"- Larry: Hi. - Hi."
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"I'm checking out a lot earlier than I had anticipated."
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"- Oh, we hate to see you go. - Okay, 1003."
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"1003. And what is the name on 1003?"
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"Buck Dancer."
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"Uh, okay, Mr. Dancer, let me just bring that up."
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"- Don't tuck in? - Yeah, don't-- don't tuck in."
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"( chuckles )"
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"Tongs? Yes, yes, I saw the tongs there."
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"Uh, we just ask, you know, that you use the tongs,"
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"Here, look, I'll tell you what I'll do."
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"I'll take my second cookie with the tongs..."
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"- Thank you. - ...all right?"
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"- ( exhales ) - Seem to be making a moment of it,"
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"to look over the lobby, which is my jurisdiction."
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"Okay, I-- I don't think this is within your jurisdiction."
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"I have enjoyed spending so much time with you,"
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"You say the pastry chef made these?"
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"- Okay? - I..."
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"This is a Pepperidge Farm cookie, that's it."
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"Well, I will go to that pastry chef"
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"home-made cookies by a pastry chef."
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"- Okay, no, I-- - Okay."
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"All right, Mr. Dancer, well,"
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"I will take that into account--"
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"I'm a little disappointed. I could buy this in the grocery store"
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"I don't want you to use these doors anymore. You got that?"
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"You're gonna fuck around and forget,"
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"molasses, wheat, brown sugar."
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"- Pants? - Of fucking course."
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"- Kenny, hi. Larry. Hi. - Pleasure to meet you."
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"runs them all."
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"- All right. - One-of-a-kind."
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"- ( clears throat ) - You like bologna and shit?"
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"- let me tell you something. - This kid's a pitcher?"
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"Let's get off that."
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"Everybody wants to open it."
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"- What are you doing, Kenny? - No, I got it!"
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"Valedictorian, now you wanna be pickle boy."
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"You know, I think we have a half open jar in the fridge."
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"What do you know?"
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"( chatter on TV )"
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"Oh, darling, you're cold. Here."
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"( door opens )"
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"I had a horrible night last night."
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"I need some-- I need some security in the house."
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"You know, like a-- I gotta hire, like, a Pinkerton guard or something."
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"You don't need no Pinkerton guard."
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"- What are you gonna do? - What if I get somebody half the price"
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"If they show the fuck up, they show the fuck up."
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"- He's alive! - Larry: Oh!"
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"It was such a funny idea."
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"Yeah, you're welcome."
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"Um, actually, you know what?"
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"to, oh-- to see how I'm doing,"
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"We're friends. I didn't wanna sneak around behind your back."
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"and my impulse is I wanna-- I wanna go out with your ex-wife."
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"you wanna call my ex-wife, Mary Steenburgen--"
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"- I-- I just-- - Huh? But Ted Danson is? Is that it?"
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"- Do it. - Okay."
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"But then can we get back to this real subject?"
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"- How you doing? - Good, good."
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"...you know, if he's gonna go out with her,"
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"( stammering ) Um, I just--"
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"so we have-- we have that in common."
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"- What'd she say? - No."
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"- So, you gonna go ahead with this? - Yeah, yeah."
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"- Okay. - You should know that she doesn't give blow jobs."
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"- She won't even touch it, okay? - Well, maybe that's changed."
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"Yeah, thanks. Thanks for being so concerned about it."
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"I know. Tell me about it."
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"Thank you. That's lovely."
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"Lovely compliment. Thank you very much."
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"- Very sweet. - What are you doing here, Larry?"
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"And I'm thinking, who can help me? I don't know any Muslims."
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"They're not in show business. They don't hang out at the deli."
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"Do you need my help, Larry?"
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"Yes."
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"- I know people. - You do?"
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"I always thought it was "muffti.""
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"You know the consul?"
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"Wow."
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"You fatwa fucking bastard! ( moans )"
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"Blaspheme to me like you blasphemed to the Nation of Islam!"
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"Jared Kushner!"
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"- Mitch McConnell! - Yeah!"
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"- Rudy Giuliani! - ( moaning )"
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"- Sentence me to an orgasm... - You're choking me!"
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"This is a fatwa! Fa-fa-fa-fatwa!"
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"No fatwa up in here! No fatwa!"
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"Yeah, Larry, that's Swat, your knew security."
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"the fact you're fucking in your goddamn glasses."
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"She said that perhaps there might be a way,"
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"Shut the fuck up! I'm on the phone."
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"Yes, I'm sorry."
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"Good. I will have one of my staff members contact you to arrange for it."
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"- Yeah, I-- - Hey, Larry!"
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"No, it's the nincompoops again."
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"- Larry! - As I said, they will be in contact."
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"- What? What is this? - It's a list."
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"I'll drop dead right on this fucking carpet."
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"- Even the what? - The "oals" from the fruit will fuck me up."
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"- Hello. - Ah, Mr. Dancer."
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"- So, just pajama bottoms? - Fantastic pajamas, by the way."
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"so you could walk around with other people in the house"
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