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Clips from Farzar - St. Pudchuggers Day (S01E01)

"Never mind that shit. I need a new sex clone before 8 p.m."
Farzar
"8 p.m.? It took me six months to grow the last one."
Farzar
"Then I'll do it myself."
Farzar
"-Can I use your cloning machine? -No."
Farzar
"Well, let me ask you again using this."
Farzar
"[grunts]"
Farzar
"[beeping]"
Farzar
"See, you're not the only one who can be a scientist."
Farzar
"I just added some extra DNA powder, turned these knobs up to 800, and…"
Farzar
"What the fuck?"
Farzar
"[screaming]"
Farzar
"Hello."
Farzar
"[beeping]"
Farzar
"I think I got it right this time."
Farzar
"Bing-bang-boom, dick titties. I am Agent Clappers."
Farzar
"Who the hell was that?"
Farzar
"I don't know. Didn't even bing-bang-boom sound like me."
Farzar
"[beeping]"
Farzar
"Well, this one's perfect."
Farzar
"What the fuck was I thinking with these goddamn chandeliers?"
Farzar
"Hey, how'd your first date end up with Val?"
Farzar
"Well, what do you think?"
Farzar
"Don't you think this is a little premature?"
Farzar
"I'm hoping Val likes a lot of things little and premature."
Farzar
"Now how long should I wait to call her?"
Farzar
"Oh, at least three--"
Farzar
"Seconds? Cool! I was thinking the same thing."
Farzar
"[phone ringing]"
Farzar
"[narrator] Then Mal got an idea."
Farzar
"An awful idea."
Farzar
"Mal had a wonderful, awful idea."
Farzar
"Oh, uh, Val? Yeah, you know, she says she doesn't want to talk to you."
Farzar
"Val thinks it's not really gonna work out, 'cause you two are too different."
Farzar
"I mean, you really think she'd ever be into a guy with only one head?"
Farzar
"-Yes. I… I understand. -[phone clicks]"
Farzar
"[sobbing]"
Farzar
"Val doesn't wanna date me anymore 'cause I only have one stupid head."
Farzar
"You wouldn't happen to have any extra heads lying around, would you, Barry?"
Farzar
"Oh, sure, Fichael."
Farzar
"I have a bunch of frozen heads behind this wall."
Farzar
"Oh, well, thanks anyway."
Farzar
"I'm sorry. I can't control my sarcasm due to a medical condition."
Farzar
"It's a real problem."
Farzar
"Anyway, your dad executes a lot of people and I get to keep the heads."
Farzar
"Job perk."
Farzar
"I can thaw out one of these babies and give you a second head in a jiffy."
Farzar
"Oh, that's great!"
Farzar
"We just gotta make sure that it's not more handsome or smarter than I am."
Farzar
"Notice anything different about me?"
Farzar
"Cucumber!"
Farzar
"There's Zobo's ship."
Farzar
"Man, this trip was tiring."
Farzar
"Set me down in the shade. That sand looks hot."
Farzar
"There's the ship's log. All right, let's see where this little fucker comes from."
Farzar
"It says this ship departed from Zarno S-9000. Here's the video."
Farzar
"[Zobo] Chaos!"
Farzar
"Oh my God!"
Farzar
"Billy scared."
Farzar
"Did you see what he did to that planet? This is the worst thing I've ever seen!"
Farzar
"That was horrible."
Farzar
"But probably the only thing worse would be hearing it and not seeing it."
Farzar
"Talk about sticking it in your mouth, but not sucking."
Farzar
"Oh, yeah, chug it! Chug it! Chug it!"
Farzar
"Your new head is the life of the party, Fichael. Unlike you."
Farzar
"-Uh, I'm just not in the mood. -[Scootie] Cheer up."
Farzar
"I'll let you wear my grasstronaut suit."
Farzar
"What? I'm always looking for creative ways to do drugs."
Farzar
"Drugs won't make me feel better."
Farzar
"That's all they fucking do!"
Farzar
"I don't know what to do about Val. Our second date was terrible."
Farzar
"Cucumber! Cucumber! Cucumber!"
Farzar
"Cucumber! Cucumber! Cucumber! Cucumber!"
Farzar
"I'm a zucchini, you racist fuck."
Farzar
"Man, that was a weird date with Fichael."
Farzar
"I mean, where'd he get the dumb idea to get a second head?"
Farzar
"Oh, no idea, but I'm sure you're breaking up with him, right?"
Farzar
"Hmm, I don't know. I had fun on our first date. [chuckles]"
Farzar
"But now I'm regretting inviting him to my friend's Pudchugger wedding."
Farzar
"-I hope he doesn't show up with two heads. -I'm sure he won't."
Farzar
"Sorry, Fichael, I was wrong. I thought she'd like that you had two heads,"
Farzar
"but she kind of wishes you had more heads."
Farzar
"So where's your date?"
Farzar
"Oh, I'm sure he'll be rolling up any minute now."
Farzar
"I hope you don't mind. I brought a few friends."
Farzar
"Say hello, guys."
Farzar
"[overlapping chatter]"
Farzar
"Cucumber!"
Farzar
"[dance music playing]"
Farzar
"[Fichael] Woot, woot!"
Farzar
"Down in front! Hey, Val, this wedding's fun."
Farzar
"Listen, Fichael, we have a problem."
Farzar
"You're afraid of Draculas."
Farzar
"Just like me."
Farzar
"No, you're a ball of heads, and I wanna break up."
Farzar
"It's not you. It's you and you and you and you and you."
Farzar
"Fuck you."
Farzar
"Don't act like this isn't about your commitment issues."
Farzar
"And also, cucumber!"
Farzar
"[narrator] With only mere hours until his marathon debasement,"
Farzar
"Renzo auditioned actors to be his sexual replacement."
Farzar
"Rocket Rockowski here for the role of Renzo's sex clone."
Farzar
"I'm a triple threat."
Farzar
"I sing, I dance, and my dad threatened to kill my dog if I don't get this part."
Farzar
"Well, Rocket, we'll have to figure out the makeup, but you got the part."
Farzar
"And he's OD'd on heroin."
Farzar
"What is this? A robot can't play me."
Farzar
"First of all, I'm a cyborg."
Farzar
"Second, I'm not auditioning. He is."
Farzar
"Hey, Flammy, my queen. I am Renzo. Have your way with me."
Farzar
"-Next! -Rocket Rockowski here."
Farzar
"I'm back, and I'm clean,"
Farzar
"and I've already relapsed. Goodbye."
Farzar
"I really liked Fichael."
Farzar
"Why would he ruin everything by turning himself into a ball of heads?"
Farzar
"What's going on with your face?"
Farzar
"-What do you mean? -You're smiling."
Farzar
"I haven't seen you smile since I broke up with my high school boyfriend,"
Farzar
"who also inexplicably turned himself into a ball of heads!"
Farzar
"Come to think of it, my college boyfriend also turned himself into a ball of heads."
Farzar
"Ah! You! You were behind this."
Farzar
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