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Clips from Eastbound & Down - Chapter 1 (S01E01)

"...I changed the face of professional baseball."
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"The bases are loaded. He shakes off a sign."
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"Multi-million dollar deals, endorsements."
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"Just a man with a mind for victory..."
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"...and an arm like a fucking cannon."
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"But sometimes when you bring the thunder..."
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"You're fucking out! You're fucking out!"
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"So did you get the Christmas cards we got you this year?"
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"Y'all get that... The tanning bed I sent y'all last year?"
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"Three handsome young men. The Powers' way."
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"The littlest one's a girl."
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"What's his name, fucking Shrek?"
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"Yeah. Sure, man."
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"Four fucking years. How about that?"
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"Okay. Okay."
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"I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck."
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"You're listening to the audio book..."
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"...You're Fucking Out, I'm Fucking In by Kenny Powers."
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"Narrated by Kenny Powers."
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"April!"
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"I'm just kidding, it's me."
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"Did... I was surprised..."
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"...when I heard that you were coming back."
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"Oh, you know. I'm just doing a little rehab on the shoulder, you know?"
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"Trying to get my fuck on, you know what I'm saying."
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"Yeah."
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"Kenny, if you think that I'm gonna hook up with you..."
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"...well, then you've lost your goddamn mind."
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"You have not changed at all. We still got that fun chemistry..."
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"Well, there's something you need to know about, Kenny."
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"You're not the only athlete here at Jeff Davis. I happen to be training for a triathlon right now..."
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"Not trying to be the best at exercising."
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"April, you never told me you dated Kenny Powers."
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"Hey, May 11th, save the date..."
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"...because Kenny Powers is definitely coming to my wedding."
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"You can throw out the first pitch."
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"This is the time to do it."
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"I want... These are questions about me personally as a superstar."
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"All right, I got time for one more. Timid kid."
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"And I'm probably not gonna like you no matter how many pull-ups or pushups you do."
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"And then we got Mr. Nesbitt, our drama teacher,"
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"Mrs. Jones, she teaches English, and our band teacher, Mr. Janowski."
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"- We do? - Yeah, it's me, Stevie."
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"- I was a drum major. - What the fuck is that?"
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"I wore a cape in sophomore year."
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"I've got a lot of memories in my life..."
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"...you think they're gone, but they're not. They're sitting there, waiting to pick up..."
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"...exactly where they left off."
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"No matter if there are new memories standing in their way or not."
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"...and I gotta pay for a goddamn hotel room too?"
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"- You can take that as well. - Thank you."
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"And can I wear the Scream mask? The mask from Scream?"
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"Right, who's gonna wanna stick that?"
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"- That's why you're swearing? - I will continue to swear, Dustin."
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"I don't tell you what to do with your money, don't tell me what to do with mine, okay?"
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"So I am very sorry, I don't mean to offend you, Wayne."
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"...but I'm very upset right now! So I'm gonna go ahead and go."
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"But I'm not gonna stop yelling because then that'll mean I lost the fight."
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"I'm going to Sha-Booms!"
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"Yeah. Sounds great. I would like that. I like CDs."
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"- April Big Cannons? - Yep."
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"- This fucking dipshit that wants to be me, man. - I mean, this girl is just a blip on the radar."
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"Kenny, I've called you here for something rather serious."
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"Coach Booth died this morning. They're not sure, but they think..."
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"I'd love to add you to the permanent roster."
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"...and it could be good for you as well."
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"A lot of people ask me, "Kenny Powers, you're a giant star..."
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"How do you know?"
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"The only job op I got is teaching a bunch of fucking piss pants..."
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"You know, you used to be someone I liked being around, and now you're not."
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"Knock that shit off."
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"Man, brother, don't be sad, okay? Don't be bad."
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"Kenny Powers is back!"
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"- The yearbook money is now... - Get out of the way."
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"- Hop up, dickweed. - Hey!"
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"I just push the fucking button? Oh, they can hear me right now?"
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"Kenny Powers is a lover."
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"...that Kenny Powers is officially..."
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"Settle down, everyone. That was Mr. Powers using some language that a bald eagle never uses."
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"Let's get back to work."
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"Where the fuck is that dude going?"
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"When my ass was 19 years old..."
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"...to the all-star, Eddie Friarson."
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"Find a bar and get shitfaced, huh?"
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"You mean Jew York? It's fucking great."
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"Kenny Powers, a career that once showed so much promise."
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"Marcus Shank. You banged my stepsister back in high school."
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"When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit..."
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"Now I'm sitting here, he's got a family, he's got a nice a shirt on."
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"I mean, my mind's still blown you got three kids."
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"Her name is Rose."
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"Y'all named your daughter after fucking Titanic?"
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"Damn, it's cold."
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"How many times do I gotta tell you?"
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"No, actually, I don't. I play real sports."
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"- Hilarious. - Yeah."
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"How about you get the paperwork started? I'm gonna stay here and catch up with April."
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"Bullshit. You're engaged? Yeah, right. Who are you engaged to?"
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"Yeah, I'm famous. La-di-da, big fucking deal."
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"Had to be the worst first date ever. In my life."
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"But... Of course, you already know Ms. Buchanon."
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"...to make room for the bigger ones."
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"But sometimes when you try to dump the smaller ones..."
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"Hello?"
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"Well, I was pregnant when Dustin asked me to marry him, so..."
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"Well, Kenny, I think I would say no. I mean, it's true love."
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"If you're really strapped for cash, sell the Jet Ski."
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"That was a horrible thing to say. It's just, I'm Kenny Powers!"
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"What you need is a shit ton of Valtrex."
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"Okay, that's nice. Okay."
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"That was basically college for me, just..."
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"I know, dude. It's so good to see you. We may be here now, but we were free."
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"At least for the rest of the year."
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"I mean, these kids could benefit from having a star athlete such as yourself around..."
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"- You want a smoothie? - No, I'm straight."
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"I know all there is to know. Just ask my second wife, Tina."
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"- There he is. - Yeah."
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"I'm the older brother."
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"Now you gotta live with us regular folks? Big deal. You act like it's a prison sentence."
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"- You're saying I gotta get back on top again. - I'm saying you need to stop being an asshole."
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