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Clips from Saturday Night Live - George Carlin/Billy Preston/Janis Ian (S01E01)

""Hey, I got a message for 'ya, here you go.""
Saturday Night Live
"He sends an angel. And the angel always flies in over a mountain."
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"I mean, that implies that you're traversing over a phyical space."
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"So, possibly,"
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"uh, God is subject to Physical Laws."
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"People say, "Well, if God is so benevolent,"
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"how can He let people suffer?""
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"He can't help, it lady!"
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"He's subject to Physical Laws!"
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"Maybe He's only a, uh,"
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"semi Supreme being."
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"I think God may not be perfect."
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"I think His work shows that."
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"Take a look at a mountain range."
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"They're all crooked, they're never in line."
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"All different sizes. There are no two leaves that same."
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"He can't even give 2 people the same fingerprints!"
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"He's had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff!"
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"And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE..."
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"DIED!!"
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"Everything so far!!"
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"So far!"
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"He's batting .000!"
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"Some religions"
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"will tell you that it's quite okay not to worry about your own life."
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"Religion has a way of"
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"relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts."
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"It's God's will!"
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""Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don't look at me."
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"God's will!""
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"Can't you see a lynch mob going,"
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""Let's get this guy, God! That's the 4th kid He's killed this week!""
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"Religion, religion, at best, at BEST,"
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"If you need it for a while,"
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"and it makes you walk straight and feel better,"
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"But you don't need it forever,"
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"or you can become permanently disabled."
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"Religion is like a lift in the shoe,"
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"and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes."
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"And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet."
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"Once again,"
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"here's Billy Preston, with his new hit,"
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""Fancy Lady.""
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"Oh, honey!"
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""Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis is on in ten minutes."
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"Aw, sweetheart, I'm tired."
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"I think I'm just going to have another glass"
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"What was that?! What's going on?!"
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"Hi, there!"
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"Please, do not be alarmed!"
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"This is only a simulated assault and burglery."
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"Repeat! This is a simulated assault and burglery!"
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"Honey, call the police! Do something!"
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"No, don't call the police."
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"I might be, anyway. Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer."
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"My name is Kenny Vorstrather,"
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"and I'm President of Trojan Horse Home Security."
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"you and your family are to crime."
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"You might say security is my life."
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"I'm fully qualified to make you feel secure."
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"I used to be an armored truck mechanic,"
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"in Leeber City, Arizona."
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"And, you, Mr. Kromer, have the perfect right"
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"If you think you can."
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"Don't worry, folks, he won't hurt you! This is my assistant,"
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"he's Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security."
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"His name is Harvey, Harvey Morgomaster."
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"Harvey, like myself, is a security expert."
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"He worked in the Army as a camouflauge artist,"
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"painting the insides of payroll vaults."
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"Mr. and Mrs. Kromer,"
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"we offer a total security protection plan for your family and home."
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"For instance, the TPFLM System."
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"TPFLM?"
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"Tactically-Positioned Front Lawn Mine."
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"Or,"
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"how about these rec room search lights,"
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"for total protection in the bathroom,"
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"Toilet Bowl Piranha."
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"It's a toothy surprise for the thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer."
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"Wait a minute."
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"If we have our lawn mined,"
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"Okay, okay."
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"That's a very good question."
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"I'm going to ask you a question now."
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"In the event of a radioactive firestorm,"
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"how secure are your foodstuffs?"
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"Oh, we have a fridge."
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"Okay."
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"I'm going to ask you to help me in a small demonstration,"
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"If you could go into your kitchen right now,"
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"and get me a tomato."
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"Tomato?"
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"Yeah. Just a common household tomato."
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"Green, red, I don't care. Ripe, unripe."
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"Okay."
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"See how frightening that was?"
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"How effective that was in stopping you?"
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"Relax! Just blanks! Just a demonstration, sit down!"
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"Sit down."
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"Mrs. Kromer, say, a criminal entered your kitchen"
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"with intent to preparing illicit piece of toast."
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"- Toast? - Toast."
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"Comes in avocado green."
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"Yes, and harvest gold."
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"Here we have the sandwich sensitive hot plate laser."
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"Oh, that's very nice."
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"I'm gonna ask you a question, Mr. Kromer,"
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"and I want you to answer me quite honestly."
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"Would you want your wife to be sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?"
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"Oh, no. Of course not."
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"Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?"
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"It would depend on who the person..."
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"Look, Mr. Kromer,"
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"how..."
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"how much would you pay to keep your family safe?"
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"Would you pay, say, 2 million dollars, if you had it?"
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"Or, one million dollars?"
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"Honey, we were saving that money!"
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"You don't think you know how unsafe your family really is."
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