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Clips from Saturday Night Live - George Carlin/Billy Preston/Janis Ian (S01E01)

"It's a worker?"
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"- It's a worker. - Hey, it's a worker."
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"Thus, concludes this week's chapter of "Bee Hospital.""
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"And now, a scene from next week's episode of "Bee Hospital.""
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"- Mr. Bee? - Yes?"
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"Congratulations, Mr. Bee, it's a queen!"
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"It's a queen!"
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"- Hello? - Hello!"
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"that could earn you up to 80 dollars a day!"
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"Tell me more!"
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"Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads"
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"for so-called training schools"
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"has created a demand for skilled phone answerers"
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"to take calls and write down messages?"
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"The countless schools and institutions that teach you"
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"computer programming, motel management,"
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"airport surveillance"
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"and diesel mechanics, to name but a few,"
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"desperately need operators"
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"to stand by at the end of their TV ads."
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"Now, ABC, the Academy of Better Careers,"
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"offers you the chance to become one of these"
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"sought after, high paid stand-by operators."
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"You'll learn the latest up to the minute phone answering techniques"
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"from our staff of experienced instructors."
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"and even the amazing picture phones of the future."
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"In only six weeks,"
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"ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction"
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"- and is eligible under the Stu... - Excuse me, mister."
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"- I have to get off. - But where are you going?"
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"To call ABC and start my new career"
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"as a sought after, high paid stand-by operator!"
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"Hey! Don't let life put you on hold!"
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"Call (311) 555-4425."
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"That's (311) 555-4425."
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"Operators are standing by to take your call."
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"And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield!"
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"Thank you."
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"I don't look like a comedian, do I?"
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"That's because I'm not, I'm a school teacher,"
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"and people I need a lot of silence in this room if I'm going to talk."
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"All right people, let's bring you out of the suburbs and into the city."
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"I'd like to have a few words with you. Okay, okay, people."
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"Now, today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people,"
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"and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup."
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"Please! I have a few points and I'd like to make them!"
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"Okay, people now..."
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"first of all, we're in our lovely gym togs"
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"and I'd like to keep them looking lovely and crisp."
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"But, keep the box pleat nice and neat."
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"Don't sit down during the game."
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"And another thing people, please, two points I'd like to make here."
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"Just for that little extra neatness."
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"Oh, and people,"
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"the hair-styles are very very nice indeed,"
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"but let's keep them back off the eyes, okay?"
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"I've got some hairnets here. "oohhh" yourselves!"
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"Now, people,"
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"have a few words with you before the game."
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"Okay? Debbie?"
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"Thanks."
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"Okay, shut up."
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"Okay, so we're going to have a game and everything, I guess,"
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"or I wouldn't be wearing these things!"
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"to go out there and be really, really cute, okay?"
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"Cause we are really cute."
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"There's some guys out there who are such duh's,"
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"you wouldn't believe! There's Jimmy and Mark and Connor and..."
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"when I think about the guys..."
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"I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!!"
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"Have a good game."
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"We at Saturday Night wanted to see what kind of people carry guns."
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"So we took our camera crew into the streets to find out."
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"When you see our Saturday Night truck in your neighborhood,"
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"show us your guns!"
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"It's already Sunday, and it's God's day OFF!!"
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"That's what it said in the Bible."
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"He worked six days, then He took Sunday off."
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"It's His one day off, and THAT'S the day"
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"we all go in and crowd the church and ask him."
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""It's my day off, man!""
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"Well, we create God in our own image and likeness."
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"No question about that."
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"and a good example, a better example of our"
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"kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God."
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"When we put a statue of"
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"Jesus on the dashboard,"
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"which is what He should be doing,"
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"we have Him watching us drive."
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""Hey! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!""
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"You ever see a statue leap?"
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"Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time."
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"Don't worry, don't worry."
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"a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard."
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"It's alright."
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"Things work out well."
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"But, uh, we are so conceited about this God concept,"
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"that we, we'll go around describing Him to each other."
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"He's infinite, and we can never understand Him,"
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"Well, here's what it's like, first of all,"
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"He knows absolutely everything."
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"I don't even know what I'm talking about,"
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"Secondly,"
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"He never started and He's never gonna end."
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"And third, He is all powerful."
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"He can do anything."
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"He can throw a car right over a wall."
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"He's just like us, He's a cool guy, that's all God is, a cool guy."
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"That's what all the religions told us. "He's like us, He's us.""
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"because you're all basically the same person."
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"We just don't have uniforms yet, that's all.""
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"And we do go for that, don't we? We kinda buy that."
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""Oh, yeah, I'm God. Sure. Stanley is God. Arlene is God."
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"God and me are Arlene and Stanley.""
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"It's a little complicated, but we do kinda believe that."
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"he might be subject to Physical Laws."
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"I mean, supernatural?"
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"But subject to Physical Laws, possibly."
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"It would explain a lot of things."
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"I mean, if He's God, why doesn't He show up?"
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