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Clips from Saturday Night Live - George Carlin/Billy Preston/Janis Ian (S01E01)

"Now, world leaders in the news,"
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"Japan Emperor Hirohito met"
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"Mickey Mouse at Disneyland this week."
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"Dateline, Washington."
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"At a press conference Thursday night,"
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"Alert Secret Service agents seized his handkerchief"
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"and wrestled it to the ground."
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"And, yesterday, in Washington,"
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"President Ford bumped his head 3 times getting into his helicopter."
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"The CIA immediately denied reports that"
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"it had deliberately lowered the top of the doorway."
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"Ford was on the campaign trail, announcing in Detroit"
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"that he has written his own campaign slogan."
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""If He's So Dumb, How Come He's President?""
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"The Post Office announced today..."
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"Just a second, I lost my place."
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"The Post Office announced today"
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"that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating"
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"It's a ten-cent stamp,"
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"but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter."
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"For a live report, let's go to Laraine Newman"
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"in midtown Manhatten, at the Blaine hotel. Laraine?"
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"Chevy, I'm standing outside a room on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel,"
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"where number 38 in a series of grizzly and bizarre murders"
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"The motive, again, murder, as it has been in the previous 37 slashings."
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"In a fit of pique, the Mayor has called the Blaine Hotel"
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"Once again, grizzly death and murder in the Blaine Hotel."
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"Laraine Newman, reporting."
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"Arthritis in the adult is painful,"
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"lonely, and sometimes difficult to manage."
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"Arthritis is particularly annoying"
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"Abrupt weather changes can add discomfort."
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"Inflamed tissues can cause local swelling,"
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"calling for special relief."
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"Triopenin,"
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"a compound of powerful anti-arthritic spantials and antihistamines,"
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"speeds soothing relief where needed."
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"aids in soothing muscles and liberating stiff, painful joints."
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"Soon, you're handling life again,"
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"feeling better, and getting a firm grasp on the situation."
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"Triopenin,"
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"get your hands working again."
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"Now with the new childproof safety cap."
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"Guests of NBC Saturday Night stay at"
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"the fabulous Blaine Hotel in midtown Manhatten."
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"The Blaine, a tradition for more than half a century."
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"Our final story tonight"
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"It's the first such birth in captivity on record."
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"baby chick made its debut at 9:18 this morning,"
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"weighing in at just under 14 grams, and according to zoo officials,"
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"the bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternoon"
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"Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow."
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"Come with us now..."
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"from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland..."
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"from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats..."
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"From the bubbling tarpits... to the sulfurous wasteland..."
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"from the rotting forest to the stagnant mud flats..."
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"And me only!"
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"Cause I am Ploobis!"
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"King of all I survey."
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"Scred!"
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"Scred!"
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"Yes, oh high supreme mucky muck, sir!"
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"Ohh... what would please your flatulence?"
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"FOOD! See, I'm hungry."
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"And when I get hungry, I get a headache."
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"And when I get a headache, I get, uh..."
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"No."
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"Angry?"
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"NO!"
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"- Cranky! - NO!"
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"- Peevish! - NO!"
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"- MILDLY ANNOYED! - That's IT!"
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"Oh, thank you, sire."
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"I'll see to it immediately, your grossness."
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"This is something Peuta should have taken care of"
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"I heard that!"
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"I don't have time to worry about your food."
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"Especially in my condition."
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"- Especially in your condition. - Yes."
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"What do you expect me to do about it?"
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"- You're too old to molt. - Arrgh!"
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"Oh, Ploobis,"
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"I'm just not in the swing of things. You see..."
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"- What should I do about it? - Go to The Mighty Favog."
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"Your pain is my pain, m'dear."
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"Well, I'm going to lie down now."
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"Perhaps the darts will loosen."
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"would it help if I massaged your moogies?"
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"Only joking, only kidding,"
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"Your Majesty!"
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"Don't say it if you don't mean it."
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"Yes, sire."
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"Here's your food, Ploobis!"
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"Thank you, Vazh."
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"What've you got here? Grrrh..."
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"Tastes like boiled Kleenex."
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"Will you want dessert, Ploobis?"
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"Unnnh."
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"What I want, Angel Buns,"
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"is not on the menu."
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"Yeah. Oh, sweetheart."
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"Ploobis!"
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"What are you doing?"
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"Ah! Well, uh..."
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"Excuse me, ma'am."
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"I was just on my way to The Mighty Favog,"
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"you see."
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"DIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG."
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"HOW MANY IN YOUR PARTY?"
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"Uh... one! Me and Scred."
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"Oh, Mighty Favog!"
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"I got a problem."
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"BUSINESS, SPORTS OR PERSONAL?"
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"Scred?"
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"Oh, Mighty Favog, it's medical."
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"- MEDICAL. - Mmm."
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"IT'S GONNA COST YA."
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"THREE CHICKENS,"
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"TWO SWANS, AND A DUCK."
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