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Clips from Saturday Night Live - George Carlin/Billy Preston/Janis Ian (S01E01)

""Hey, baby, h-how'd you like to, uh...""
Saturday Night Live
"I can't, I ..."
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"Now, please, Ms. Davis."
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"I know this is very difficult for you"
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"He said "h-how'd you like to, uh...""
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"- Don't make me say it... - Objection."
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"Gentlemen, gentlemen."
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"Now since this evidence is so extremely important,"
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"the defendent's remarks on a piece of paper."
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"Mister Trouble never hangs around"
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"When he hears this Mighty sound:"
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""Here I come to save the day!""
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"That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!"
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"Yes sir, when there is a wrong to right"
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"Mighty Mouse will join the fight."
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"On the sea or on the land"
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"He gets the situation well in hand."
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"So though we are in danger, we never despair"
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"'Cause we know that where there's danger, he is there!"
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"He is there! On the land! On the sea! In the air!"
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"We're not worryin' at all"
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"We're just listenin' for his call:"
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""Here I come to save the day!""
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"That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!"
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"We're not worryin' at all"
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"We're just listenin' for his call:"
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""Here I come to save the day!""
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"That means that Mighty Mouse is on the way!"
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"How many of you have heard this in your home,"
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"Here's another thing you hear at home, mostly guys say this,"
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""Hey, who stole my underwear!"
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"Somebody stole my underwear!""
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""Which one?""
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""This week's underwear.""
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"Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies"
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"and wonder if they're dead yet?"
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"I do."
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"I do."
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"Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket?"
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"You can't do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man."
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"Check this out. When you..."
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"have a package of bacon,"
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"underneath all the neat, horizontal strips,"
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"there's always one weird piece of bacon."
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"What do dogs do on their day off?"
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"They can't lie around, that's their job, man!"
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"but the airport is where they're kind of trying it out."
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"As you know, they search your bags, to make sure there's no weapons."
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""Don't want any weapons on the plane! you know.""
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"They have the little fluoroscope job,"
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""No weapons! Let 'em on!""
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"You get on the plane, and you're clean!"
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"What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork,"
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"and all the wine you can drink, man."
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"I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right?"
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"Just hold it at the stewardess's neck and threaten paper cuts!"
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""Do what he says! Do what he says!""
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"Oh.. there's a moment... coming."
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"There's a moment coming, it's... it's not here yet."
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"It's on the way. It's still in the future."
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"Here, here it is! Oh, it's gone, man."
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"There's no present,"
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"Everything is the near future and the recent past."
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"No wonder we can't get anything together,"
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"we've got no time, man?"
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"We would like to introduce to you, Janis Ian."
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"Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford,"
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"and welcome to "Victims of Shark Bite.""
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"My first guest,"
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"Mr. Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York."
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"Mr. Gresner, would you tell our audience"
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"I'd be happy to, Phyllis. Uh..."
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"I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from"
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"my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island."
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"piercing pain in my left shoulder."
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"Just when did this incident take place?"
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"Oh, I'd say maybe... three, four months ago."
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"I've had, uh..."
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"I've learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand..."
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"but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there."
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"Nope! It's gone, see? Shark bit it off! Nothing there!"
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"No, Mr. Gresner, that's your sleeve."
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"You do have a left arm and it looks perfectly normal to me."
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"It was my leg!"
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"Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it's tucked under your other leg."
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"You see? You're fine! There's nothing wrong with you."
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"I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off..."
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"We'll be back with another victim of shark bite"
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"after this commercial message."
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"I've got a scar here where my sister pushed me off a porch..."
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"my advisor,"
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"And I love her."
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"She's quite a gal, you know."
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"She takes care of the house,"
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"cooks great meals,"
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"at the end of a long day."
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"Well, I take care of myself."
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"get plenty of rest, go to the Y, eat right and,"
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"to make sure I get enough iron and vitamins,"
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"I take Jamitol every day."
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"Makes me take it, too."
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"Jamitol."
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"More than twice the iron and"
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"high-potency vitamins found in other supplements."
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"And I love her for it."
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"I'm Paul Simon,"
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"and I'll be hosting the NBC Saturday Night show next week."
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"I'll be joined by Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow,"
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"and my ex-partner, Art Garfunkel,"
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"for a little Simon & Garfunkel reunion."
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"I hope you'll watch."
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"And now,"
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"Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase."
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"Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase!"
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"Our top story tonight,"
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"dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building"
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"took place today in Detroit,"
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"where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that"
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"former President Jimmy Hoffa"
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"will always be a cornerstone in the organization."
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