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Clips from Saturday Night Live - George Carlin/Billy Preston/Janis Ian (S01E01)

"And,"
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"what do we need this stuff inside the house for?"
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"a security technique."
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"Here, hang on to this chunk!"
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"Feels good, doesn't it?"
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"357 Magnum Mixmaster."
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"If I had it, yeah."
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"Sure. If I had a million, yeah."
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"Have you got $499.99?"
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"We were?"
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"He's outside playing in the yard."
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"to the injector system,"
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"Almost perfect, yet not quite the superlative groom."
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"Introducing the Triple-Trac."
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"easily fitted into your old twinblade holder."
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"Because you'll believe anything."
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"Valri Bromfield, Andy Kaufman,"
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"I hope you'll see it. Bye-bye."
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"- Good evening. - Good eveniee."
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"Good evening."
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"Good..."
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"eveniee."
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"Good..."
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"Let us begin."
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"- I would like... - I would like..."
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"- ...to feed your fingertips... - ...to feed yur fingerteeps..."
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"- ...to the wolverines. - ...to de wolver-eenes."
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"Next,"
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"- ...we are out... - ...we are out..."
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"- ...of badgers. - ...of badjurs."
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"- Would you accept... - Would you accept..."
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"- ...a wolverine... - ...a wolver-eene..."
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"- ...in it's place? - ...een es place."
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"Next,"
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""Hey," Ned exclaimed..."
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""Hey," Ned asclaimed..."
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"Live from New York,"
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"it's Saturday Night!"
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"NBC's Saturday Nights,"
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"starring George Carlin"
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"with Janis Ian and Billy Preston."
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"A film by Albert Brooks."
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"Jim Henson's Muppets,"
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"The Not For Ready Prime Time Players,"
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"and comedians, Valri Bromfield,"
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"Andy Kaufman."
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"Ladies and gentlemen,"
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"George Carlin!"
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"Talk about a live show!"
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"It's nice to see you, welcome,"
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"and thanks for joining us - live."
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"I'm kinda glad that we're on at night,"
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"so that we're not competing with all the football and baseball games."
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"All the time."
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"Guys found it and smoked them, anyway!"
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"But you know, football wants to be the No. 1 sport,"
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"the national pasttime."
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"because football represents something we are,"
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"we are Europe, Jr."
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"When you get right down to it, we're Europe, Jr."
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"We play a Eurpe game."
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"What was the Europe game?"
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""Let's take their land away from them!"
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"You'll be the pink, on up; we'll be blue, the red and the green!""
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"Ground acquisition. And that's what football is,"
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"football's a ground acquisition game."
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"You knock the crap out of 11 guys and take their land away from them."
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"Of course, we only do it ten yards at a time."
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"I think it's not surprising that the football advise and..."
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"Let's put it this way, there are things about"
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"the words surrounding football and baseball,"
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"which give it all away."
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"baseball is pastoral."
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"baseball is played in the park."
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"In football, you wear a helmet,"
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"in baseball, you wear a cap."
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"Football is played on an enclosed,"
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"rectangular grid and"
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"baseball is played on an ever-widening angle"
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"that reaches to inifinity"
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"and every park is different!"
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"Football is rigidly timed,"
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"We might even have extra innings!"
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"In football, you get a penalty,"
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"in baseball, you make an error, whoops!"
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"The object in football is"
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"to march downfield and penetrate enemy territory,"
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"and get into the end zone,"
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""I'm going home!""
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"And, in football, they have the clip, the hit, the block,"
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"the tackle, the blitz, the bomb, the offense and the defense,"
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"in baseball, they have..."
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"Honey, I'm home!"
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"- Daddy! Daddy! - Hey, pal!"
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"How are you doing?"
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"You have a lovely home,"
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"a good job,"
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"solid investments,"
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"a wonderful family..."
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"or is it?"
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"What if you were suddenly out of the picture?"
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"Should tragedy strike, what would happen to them?"
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"Sure, you've provided for them financially,"
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"but what about their emotional and physical needs?"
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"- Honey, I'm home! - Daddy!"
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"a radically new concept in family insurance coverage."
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"Within seconds after "Old Dad" is out,"
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"we'll have "New Dad" in there to take his place."
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"Is your family completely covered?"
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"Not just financially, but in every way?"
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"Why not call your local independent insurance agent today,"
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"and ask him about our "New Dad" policy,"
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"the only insurance that covers all of their needs."
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"Tops In Pops."
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"And now, Billy Preston,"
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"Now I must have order please or"
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"I'll be forced to clear this courtroom."
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"Ms. Davis,"
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"what the defendent allegedly said to you"
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"when he pulled you into the alleyway?"
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