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Clips from South Park - Cartmanland (S05E05)

"How are you?"
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"into his theme park. I was thinking we could put on disguises and get in!"
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"I'm afraid Kyle can't ride any amusement park rides for over a year"
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"because of his horrible haemorrhoid."
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"because I finally figured it out."
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"You see, if someone like Cartman can get a million dollars"
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"and his own theme park,"
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"then there is no God. There is no God, dude."
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"- Kyle! Don't say such things! - Why? Why, Mom?"
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"Because if I do, something bad will happen to me?"
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"Because if I do, your God might not shower me"
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"All right, all right, listen up, people. Cartmanland is open,"
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"but only to two people each day."
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"The rest of you will just have to try another day."
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"Hey, one park admission. That'll be $29.95, sir."
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"Oh, boy, Oh, boy!"
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"And enjoy your stay at Cartmanland."
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"- What are you doing? - We're in line for the spook house."
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"Line? Line? I hate lines!"
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"We wanna see the spook house. Well, we paid $29.95,"
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"we should be able to go in the spook house!"
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"Yeah, but I think it's broke down. The cars aren't moving."
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"All right, all right, hang on. Security!"
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"- What? - Oh, Jesus!"
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"Look, the haunted house ride broke down, I need you to fix it."
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"You need to hire a maintenance person."
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"All right, all right. I'll let two more people in each day,"
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"so I can hire a maintenance person."
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"All right, folks, we've had another change in policy."
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"I've had to hire a maintenance person, and to pay his salary,"
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"I have to let in two more people a day."
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"However, the stupid maintenance person demanded I have food"
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"and drinks inside the park, so now I've had to hire a beverage person,"
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"and a cotton candy person. Which means I now have to let"
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"eight people come in a day. But you are to try your best not to ride"
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"any rides that I am on. Understood?"
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"- All right, let's go. - Timmy!"
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"- Get the hell out of here, Stan! - God damn it, Cartman! Let me in!"
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"I thought you said buying a theme park was stupid! Security!"
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"It is stupid, Cartman! You made Kyle lose his faith in God, you fat asshole!"
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"This isn't over, Cartman!"
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"Just a little more. There we go."
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"Hello, Kyle! How's the haemorrhoid today?"
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"- Awesome. - Kyle, we want to tell you about"
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"I've had enough of the Bible. What has it gotten me?"
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"I think you'll see differently after hearing this. Sit down, Kyle."
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"a wonderful wife, and many friends."
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"and every day he praised God."
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"But one day, Satan went up to heaven and talked to God."
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"Satan talked to God?"
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"Yes, in the Book of Job, Satan talks to God."
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"And God says to Satan, "Have you seen Job? He is a great man,"
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""you gave him so much. If you didn't give him those things,"
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"- "he would curse your name." - To which God said, "Oh, yeah?"
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"And so God had a bunch of barbarians come in and slaughter"
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"Then God sent his fireballs from the sky and killed his sheep"
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""The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away," and praised God's name."
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"He was in terrible, miserable pain all day, every day."
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"But he still kept his faith."
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""Job still praises me.""
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"- I don't know. - Then I was right."
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"Job has all his children killed"
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"There isn't a God."
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"And since the stupid security guard needs video surveillance,"
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"I have to let in two more people a day to cover those expenses."
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"I need to cover the new ticket guy's salary,"
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"so that's three more admissions a day."
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"bringing the grand total to... God damn it!"
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"Eight hundred and sixteen people can come into the park today!"
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"I don't understand it. He's not fighting the infected haemorrhoid at all."
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"It's like he's lost all hope."
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"And now back to Money Quest on HBC!"
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"Welcome back to Money Quest."
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"In just over two weeks, young financial genius, Eric Cartman,"
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"has managed to turn a theme park that was seeing less"
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"And the way he did it was with the brilliant, "You can't come" technique."
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"with claims that nobody could get into his park."
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"It made the public crazy, so then, weeks later,"
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"when he opened the doors, they were lining up around the block."
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"Simply amazing."
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"is already being applied by businesses all over the country."
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"You'll have to leave now."
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"No, I'm sorry. You can't see this movie. Nobody can see this movie!"
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"Kyle? Kyle? Get the doctor!"
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"God damn it! Stop running into me!"
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"My God, look at it, Chris! That kid completely turned this place around!"
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"- He sure did. - If I could only have a park"
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"- Congratulations on your success! - Just give me my money back!"
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"You bet! I'll go get your money right now!"
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"Daddy! Daddy! Can we ride the rockets?"
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"God damn it, get the... out of my way."
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"- Isn't he responding at all, Doctor? - I'm sorry."
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"Your son appears to be losing the battle."
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"There's nothing more I can do."
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"Oh, Kyle! Kyle, you've got to fight!"
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"or payout, and there is a $500,000 discrepancy."
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"- That's my money! - There's also the lawsuit"
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"of the little boy who died in your park."
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"- We'll see you in court. - You can't take my money, God damn it!"
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"We know how well your park is doing, you'll make it back in no time."
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"- No way, José. - But I'm getting sued now!"
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"If I don't have the park, I lose everything!"
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"This can't be happening!"
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"- Kyle, you gotta come see! - Kyle's not going to make it, Stanley!"
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"Doctor, can we wheel Kyle out of here on his bed with the machines attached?"
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"Well, I suppose it could be rigged, but..."
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"It isn't fair! You goddamn assholes! It isn't fair!"
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"Look, Kyle! Look!"
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"What about my dreams? What about my money?"
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"I'm so pissed off!"
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"God damn it! You son of a bitch!"
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"Wait a minute... Yes! The haemorrhoid is going into remission!"
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"because he's had his dream and lost it."
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"It's not fair! It's not fair! I wanna die! I wanna die!"
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"You are up there."
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"Come on down to South Park And meet some friends of mine"
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"that we say goodbye to Maybel Louise Cartman."
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"providing mother and a loving grandmother."
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"And now we release the doves to symbolise the Lord taking Maybel"
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"worth an estimated $14 and 12 cents,"
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