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Clips from South Park - Cartmanland (S05E05)

"Going down to South Park Gonna leave my woes behind"
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"West side."
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"And so it is with heavy hearts"
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"And now, let us bow our heads in a moment of silence"
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"and reflect on how Maybel touched our lives."
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"God, she didn't take this long to die."
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"No, sweetie, we have to tend to some of Grandma's business."
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"God damn it!"
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"to be divided amongst my loving family."
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"My loving son, Stinky, I leave you the house in Nebraska."
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"To my grandson, Eric, you were always my favourite fat little man."
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"For you, Eric, I leave, from my life savings,"
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"Who's a jigga-what?"
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"A million dollars?"
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"No, wait, you don't understand. Since I was two years old,"
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"it has been my dream to have one million dollars."
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"Damn, Ned, I've never seen that much cash."
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"See how the light reflects a spearmint green from its surface."
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"On the one thing that I've wanted ever since I can remember."
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"What the hell are you doing, fat ass?"
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"The constant smell of aspirin and pee!"
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"Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch."
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"How is it that God gives him a million dollars?"
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"My own amusement park, Mother. I'm sure."
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"The park hasn't been doing great business."
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"- Frank! - It ain't right, Chris!"
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"I haven't turned a profit in years because I can't keep attendance up."
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"Oh, but I'm not buying the park to get people to come."
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"I'm buying it to keep people out."
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"People, crowds. The rides are great, but all the lines, lines, lines."
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"that they make fast-pass."
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"lines for drinks, lines for kartankulas"
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"Kyle?"
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"Dude, what are you doing here? Everybody's looking for you. Kyle?"
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"Do you know what happened to me this morning, Stan?"
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"I'm nine years old and I have a haemorrhoid, Stan."
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"I have a haemorrhoid, and Cartman has his own theme park."
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"Do you? Do you, Stan?"
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"Because all my life, I was raised to believe in Jehovah."
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"and good things will come to us."
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"I'm always saying, "You know, I learnt something today,""
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"A haemorrhoid. It doesn't make sense."
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"But he's gonna find out that without other people,"
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"Awesome!"
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"Sweet. Yes!"
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"Folks, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,"
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"make sure your seat belts are fastened, and enjoy the Mine Shaft."
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"Oh, look how much fun I had."
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"Adventure Island! Check it out! Awesome!"
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"I'm so happy. I'm so happy."
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"- Great. - What's that?"
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"It's my seat ring. I have to sit on it because of my haemorrhoid."
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"Dude, just forget about it. We can't let him get to us, or he wins."
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"That means only I can ride the all-new Tornado Twister!"
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"So come on down to Cartmanland now,"
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"Especially you, Stan and Kyle."
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"- Where are we going? - We're getting into that fat ass' park,"
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"whether he likes it or not!"
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"- That was sweet. - It hurts!"
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"- My life can't get any worse! - You'll see! We'll get in!"
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"But you can ride anything you want, and you don't have to wait in line."
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"Every day you can just let two people in, charge $29.95 for tickets,"
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"But remember, anybody else you see trespassing in the park..."
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"and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom,"
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"but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out."
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"- Jesus... - But it's okay, Stan,"
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"with his blessings of infected haemorrhoids?"
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"- Kyle, you just don't understand, it's... - No, I finally do understand!"
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"There is no justice. There is no God. Do you hear me?"
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"I renounce my faith!"
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"Butters, Clyde, you can come in."
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"Five cents is your change, and enjoy your stay at Cartmanland."
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"I've got my own theme park"
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"What should I go on now? I know!"
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"I'll go on the haunted mansion ride, again."
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"Can't you go on something else right now?"
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"- I'm security, not maintenance. - But I don't know how it works."
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"Well, now I can finally get back to riding my rides!"
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"You see, Job lived in the east of Jordan a long, long time ago."
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"Job was a great man. He was blessed with 10 lovely children,"
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"He was a godly and a good man and fed the poor."
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""and he praises me every day.""
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"But Satan said, "Oh, yeah? He only praises you because"
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""I'll show you, Satan! I'll take those things away from Job,"
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""and he will still praise my name!""
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"Job's ox and donkeys and murder all his workers."
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"and the rest of his employees."
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"And then, as Job's sons and daughters were eating, God sent a mighty wind"
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"Job was terribly sad, but he fell to his knees and said,"
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"So then Job got painful sores all over his body."
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"God said to Satan, "See? I told you."
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"That's the most horrible story I've ever heard."
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"Why would God do such horrible things to a good person"
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"just to prove a point to Satan?"
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"and Michael Bay gets to keep making movies."
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"Cleanup crew for the bathroom, money to cover paint and upkeep,"
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"should average about four admissions,"
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"Welcome to Cartmanland!"
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"Isn't he getting any better, Doctor?"
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"If you'll excuse me, I've got some more tests to run."
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"than 100 attendees a day into a thriving park"
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"with attendance in the thousands."
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"For the first several days, the young businessman saturated the market"
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"I can't even go in!"
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"that worked like this."
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"- Hey, there you are! - Hello."
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"- What? - I changed my mind."
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"- I don't want your stupid park! - But it's doing great!"
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"You call this great? I call it hell! Trade me back, God damn it!"
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"I'm afraid that the haemorrhoid has spread to his lungs."
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"Normally the body would fight the infection, but he's just"
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"Good riddance, you stupid park! You can all kiss my ass!"
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"- Excuse me, Eric Cartman? - Yeah?"
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"I'm Frank Garret with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income"
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"What, Kenny? He dies all the time!"
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"Hey! Hey, Mr. Fun! I changed my mind!"
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"I need the park to make my money back!"
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"You just built me up to knock me down, didn't you?"
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"You used to work for me!"
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"- Kyle? - He's coming back!"
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