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Clips from South Park - Cartmanland (S05E05)

"God damn it, this sucks!"
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"Even more miserable than he was before"
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"Going down to South Park Gonna have myself a time"
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"Friendly faces everywhere Humble folks without temptation"
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"Ample parking day or night People spouting, "Howdy, neighbour""
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"I'm heading down to South Park Gonna see if I can't unwind"
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"She was a good woman, a community leader, a caring wife,"
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"Mom, it's 3:30. This is taking up my whole Saturday."
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"Pumpkin, it's almost over."
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"Why couldn't the funeral have been on a school day?"
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"into His arms and giving her everlasting peace."
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"Peace."
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"And so I leave my stocks and bonds,"
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"Mom, I wanna go home!"
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"Look after it as your father and I did."
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"to be transferred to you immediately."
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"since it is likely the rest of you would spend the money on crack."
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"- Oh, my. - That can't be!"
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"Excuse me. Does this mean I have one million dollars?"
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"Yes, Eric. It's yours."
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"And now you do."
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"There you are, Jennifer Lopez!"
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"No, please. I promise I'll never make another album or movie."
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"- It's too late for that, Ms. Lopez. - Have mercy!"
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"Why?"
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"nine hundred ninety-nine thousand five hundred..."
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"Me neither."
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"Nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred, one million."
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"Eric, that is a lot of money."
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"I'm not keeping it, Mr. Garrison. I'm spending it."
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"- On what? - On my dream."
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"Excuse me, son, I'm an investment broker."
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"Eric, God could sure use that money for a bigger church."
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"I think God has plenty of money."
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"Not much, just taking my one million dollars out of the bank."
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"- Oh, my God! - Kenny wasn't lying."
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"Dude, can you loan me 20 bucks for a new jacket?"
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"If you need money, you can get a job, Stan."
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"No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!"
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"Your grandma left it to you. You didn't earn it!"
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"Didn't earn it? What about all the years I spent making Grandma like me?"
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"- No, no. This isn't possible. - Yeah, it's unbelievable."
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"No, I mean, this isn't possible, Stan!"
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"Cartman is the biggest asshole in the world."
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"Come on, we gotta see what Cartman is doing with his money."
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"and you give Cartman a million dollars?"
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"And if we can just get you to sign here, and here."
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"You're sure this is what you want, sweetie?"
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"- What? - I can't sell this poor kid my park."
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"Look, I haven't been honest with you."
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"The truth is the park is a financial flop."
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"- You're not? - No, no, no!"
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"Don't you see? Forever it has been my dream"
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"so that I could be alone in it, all day every day."
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"If there's one thing I hate,"
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"all the lines, lines, lines, lines."
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"So then there's lines for fast-pass."
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"Then there's lines for the bathrooms,"
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"and rare kartankula plinks!"
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"And so you see, this park is for me. Nobody else will be allowed in."
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"Oh, well, then I guess I don't feel bad."
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"Mr. Cartman, congratulations. The theme park is yours."
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"This morning, I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass."
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"I felt down there and found this big sore lump on my ass, Stan."
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"and he told me I have a haemorrhoid."
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"It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass."
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"Kyle, I understand what you mean, but..."
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"To believe that we should all behave a certain way"
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"and what does this so-called God give me in return?"
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"What is your logic?"
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"Look, Cartman,"
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"the rides are totally lame."
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"I mean, who could really have fun by themselves at a theme park?"
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"I'll bet he's sick of it already."
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"Yes, yes!"
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"Yes. Yes!"
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"Oh, cool!"
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"Sorry."
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"So how are things going at Cartman's theme park?"
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"I guess you're right."
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"Hey, everybody! Check out the all new Cartmanland!"
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"It's our grand opening."
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"Cartmanland has over 100 fabulous rides, six roller coasters"
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"and tons of great surprises! And the best part is"
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"you can't come!"
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"That's right, because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric Cartman, can get in."
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"A roller coaster that splashes into water!"
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"It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area, and nobody can go!"
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"Especially Stan and Kyle!"
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"but don't plan on getting past the parking lot, 'cause remember..."
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"There's so much to do at Cartmanland but you can't come"
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"That does it! Come on, dude!"
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"Oh, man, that was awesome! That one part"
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"with the spider that dropped on you. Oh, man! That totally got me."
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"- Oh, help! That hurt. - What the hell?"
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"You sons of bitches!"
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"- Come on, dude! - Oh, God, I popped it! Oh, it hurts!"
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"- What the hell are you doing? - Crap."
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"- Oh, God, get me off of here! - Dude!"
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"Stan, I have to go home! I need my cream! I need my cream!"
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"- All right, let's go. - That's right, and you stay out!"
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"You can't keep us out forever, you... fat ass!"
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"We'll be back as soon as Kyle's haemorrhoid is better!"
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"All right, so listen, all I want you to do is keep anybody out"
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"who tries to get in here."
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"If you see anybody on my property,"
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"especially Stan and Kyle, you are to shoot on sight!"
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"So what does this job pay?"
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"But in return for you working security, I'll let you ride two rides a day."
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"But only two rides and only if I'm not on them."
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"I'm afraid I don't really like rides."
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"I'm not interested."
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"Dude, are you from Mars or something? Any ride you want, no lines."
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"But I don't have any cash. I spent everything on this park."
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"Well, look, why don't you just let a couple of people in each day?"
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"and then you can use that to pay my daily salary."
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"You're a very lucky little boy. I've never seen a haemorrhoid"
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"so infected. It could have killed you."
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"- Dude, are you okay? - Oh, I'm swell, Stan."
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"I popped my haemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland"
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