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Clips from New Girl - Eggs (S02E02)

"...that at the end of the day, it's all about love."
New Girl
"I mean, I love Sadie. I want my babies to have her beautiful face."
New Girl
"As long as they don't get her big fat man feet. Yuck."
New Girl
"- Fingers crossed we go donor on that one. - Let's make a graceful exit, my love."
New Girl
"Hey, get out of here, you crazy lesbos with your baby-making."
New Girl
"MELISSA: Ha, ha! - Whoa!"
New Girl
"I'm married, I'm not dead. Night."
New Girl
"SADIE: Stay in the light tonight, please, huh?"
New Girl
"JESS: Drive safely. SADIE: Stay in the light."
New Girl
"[PANTING]"
New Girl
"Ninety percent of our eggs, huh? Heh."
New Girl
"That's crazy. I'm panicking. Are you panicking?"
New Girl
"God, no. Babies wreck you, Jess."
New Girl
"They literally eat your body."
New Girl
"I'm 30, I'm single, and I just started a new job."
New Girl
"Tonight I used a bread roll to wipe butter off my face and then I ate the bread roll."
New Girl
"So I essentially used my face as a butter knife."
New Girl
"I don't think I'm ready to bring new life into the world."
New Girl
"But what if all that's left are the weird eggs? And the evil eggs?"
New Girl
"- You have no evil eggs. - I can feel them."
New Girl
"They're turning. They've watched their brothers and sisters die..."
New Girl
"...and now they wanna be birthed. I need to be fertilized."
New Girl
"Fertilize me, Los Angeles!"
New Girl
"Calm down, all right? You're overreacting."
New Girl
"I am overreacting. You know why? Because I want a family."
New Girl
"I wanna give my nipples a purpose."
New Girl
"- Give my nipples a purpose! MAN: Oh, yeah!"
New Girl
"Well, I think that you guys made a really smart decision coming in here today."
New Girl
"Sadie, once at a senior graduation party, I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for 12 hours."
New Girl
"Any chance that I sunny-side-upped my eggs?"
New Girl
"- No, Jess. - Oh. Between the years of 1998 and 2005..."
New Girl
"...I used a lot of self tanner. Like, a lot."
New Girl
"- Is that a possibility of doing...? SADIE: Nope."
New Girl
"Here we go."
New Girl
"- I once fell on a pommel horse... - I'm gonna call you when I get the results."
New Girl
"I got nothing."
New Girl
"Whoa, whoa. Jess, what are you doing? That's my ketchup collection."
New Girl
"This fertility website says I need to get rid of toxins."
New Girl
"- You put the microwave in the trash? - Yes."
New Girl
"- Why? - Microwaves zap things."
New Girl
"- You can't take my microwave. JESS: I can't risk it."
New Girl
"It's what makes burritos delicious."
New Girl
"You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"
New Girl
"- You're putting me in a tough spot. - Friends, I'm in a real-life sex pickle."
New Girl
"My inability to satisfy Emma has thoroughly rocked me."
New Girl
"I've tried everything."
New Girl
"- How about now? - Hold on, I'm Shazam-ing this song."
New Girl
"For crying out loud."
New Girl
"Guess what I'm worried about. This sound."
New Girl
"You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."
New Girl
"I don't need test results to tell me it is The Grapes of Wrath in there."
New Girl
"It is 1930s dust bowl in there, Schmidt."
New Girl
"- And they're all walking with limps. - I can top that easily."
New Girl
"I'm having a hard time with my novel."
New Girl
"Are you literally comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"
New Girl
"I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."
New Girl
"- Ugh! Being a woman sucks. - Preaching to the choir. Women are the worst."
New Girl
"Seriously, can you please stop yelling?"
New Girl
"All right, now, it's no big deal, but I'm on an adjusted schedule."
New Girl
"Sorry about this. Jess has lost her mind."
New Girl
"I have not lost my mind. I'm just scared."
New Girl
"You're gonna meet somebody and fall in love..."
New Girl
"...and then before you know it, you're gonna:"
New Girl
"- Pop, pop. Pop. JESS: With who, Nick?"
New Girl
"Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?"
New Girl
"I'll man up."
New Girl
"But I must warn you, Jess, I don't have sperms, I have tadpoles of the gods."
New Girl
"That's right."
New Girl
"You can have them all for all I care."
New Girl
"That's how much I love you. I feel your pain."
New Girl
"- I want you to have babies. Take my sperms. - No. It should be me, Jess."
New Girl
"- What? - With your beautiful blue eyes..."
New Girl
"...and my Blair Underwood-like skin... - Mm-hm."
New Girl
"...we'd have the most beautiful baby."
New Girl
"He's not wrong."
New Girl
"- Could get into any school it wants. - Mm-hm."
New Girl
"To be clear, I haven't asked any of you to impregnate me."
New Girl
"It's important that that's been said."
New Girl
"- Good, it's definitely not me. - Because it's definitely not you."
New Girl
"I would love that little baby. With all my heart."
New Girl
"Even if I did show it by picking him up from school in my underwear..."
New Girl
"...and hitting on the crossing guard. Heh, heh."
New Girl
"- How's the novel? - Good. Haven't written a word."
New Girl
"Wait, are you serious? Nick, it's not that hard."
New Girl
"Just sit down and write. You ain't Hemingway."
New Girl
"You boys are right. I gotta be more like Hemingway."
New Girl
"I lost an egg while you were comparing yourself to the most famous writer of all time."
New Girl
"The reason I have writer's block is I've been living too casual with you clowns."
New Girl
"I need real-life adventure like Ernest Hemingway had at my age."
New Girl
"I gotta kill a man with my bare hands after making sweet love to him..."
New Girl
"...and then sleep in the warm belly of his horse."
New Girl
"I gotta eat my way out of a sandwich house."
New Girl
"- How much you know about Hemingway? - Not a lot. But I'm gonna learn."
New Girl
"I'm becoming Ernest Hemingway, you idiots."
New Girl
"Schmidt."
New Girl
"Yo."
New Girl
"Now, here are some diagrams so we can see where you're at."
New Girl
"Good. Now, what I typically do is I start over here..."
New Girl
"...and then I move here once I feel confident that this area has been taken care of."
New Girl
"Yeah, see, that's exactly what I do. I call that "Losing Nemo.""
New Girl
"Well, a more advanced move would be... You know what? I'll just show you."
New Girl
"- Sort of come in this way. - No, no. I see what you're doing."
New Girl
"That asymmetry? That's crucial."
New Girl
"Because then what I'll do is, is I'll go outside..."
New Girl
"...get the paper, and shake the neighbor's hand."
New Girl
"Interesting."
New Girl
"Then I'll tie a bow on it, because it's birthday time..."
New Girl
"...and get onstage and collect my Oscar..."
New Girl
"...and say thank you to the people, thank you to the people."
New Girl
"Then get back down offstage and get everybody into the sharing circle..."
New Girl
"...right down in there in the sharing circle, then..."
New Girl
"[SLAPS DESK]"
New Girl
"...spike the volleyball."
New Girl
"Then what I like to do is, I like to arrive at the bridge and meet the troll..."
New Girl
"...and then answer his riddles three."
New Girl
"Then what we'll do is, we're dancing. We're just gonna dance."
New Girl
"Dance until you can't dance anymore. Dance until you can't dance anymore."
New Girl
"And then everybody gets a churro."
New Girl
"[CLICKS TONGUE]"
New Girl
"- You okay? - Mm-hm."
New Girl
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