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Clips from American Housewife - Pilot (S01E01)

Could I do such a thing

"Could I do such a thing"

American Housewife

just to keep from becoming

"just to keep from becoming"

American Housewife

Oh.

"Oh."

American Housewife

Do you know when you'll be done with it?

"Do you know when you'll be done with it?"

American Housewife

Hey, Norman.

"Hey, Norman."

American Housewife

I have a friend!

"I have a friend!"

American Housewife

Hey. Hey. Come on. Come on.

"Hey. Hey. Come on. Come on."

American Housewife

Here's your cut.

"Here's your cut."

American Housewife

I told you to do something good for someone else.

"I told you to do something good for someone else."

American Housewife

I taught a man to fish.

"I taught a man to fish."

American Housewife

You took money from a homeless person.

"You took money from a homeless person."

American Housewife

Seriously, Oliver?

"Seriously, Oliver?"

American Housewife

You are acting like a pimp in a Lifetime movie.

"You are acting like a pimp in a Lifetime movie."

American Housewife

I don't know what to do with you anymore.

"I don't know what to do with you anymore."

American Housewife

If I thought I might be a girl on the inside,

"If I thought I might be a girl on the inside,"

American Housewife

I should be allowed to be who I am.

"I should be allowed to be who I am."

American Housewife

No.

"No."

American Housewife

I practically invented food shopping in pajamas.

"I practically invented food shopping in pajamas."

American Housewife

I'm not gonna let this town change me or my kid.

"I'm not gonna let this town change me or my kid."

American Housewife

- 5%. - 15%.

"- 5%. - 15%."

American Housewife

10%?

"10%?"

American Housewife

to fall out of escrow?

"to fall out of escrow?"

American Housewife

Mother of balls, it's Two Fitbits.

"Mother of balls, it's Two Fitbits."

American Housewife

- Mom, don't you like them? - No, I don't.

"- Mom, don't you like them? - No, I don't."

American Housewife

Turns out the first buyer got cold feet.

"Turns out the first buyer got cold feet."

American Housewife

Yeah, I know.

"Yeah, I know."

American Housewife

We can go walk-jogging together.

"We can go walk-jogging together."

American Housewife

and then you walk and then you run.

"and then you walk and then you run."

American Housewife

Yeah, not one part of that is going to happen.

"Yeah, not one part of that is going to happen."

American Housewife

Oh, you're like a little cherub.

"Oh, you're like a little cherub."

American Housewife

Ooh!

"Ooh!"

American Housewife

I'm gonna buy you a Fitbit.

"I'm gonna buy you a Fitbit."

American Housewife

if I'm going to raise them in this town.

"if I'm going to raise them in this town."

American Housewife

I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm owning it.

"I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm owning it."

American Housewife

Oh, and also...

"Oh, and also..."

American Housewife

but it's not coming soon enough to help me.

"but it's not coming soon enough to help me."

American Housewife

is giving up and moving to Vermont.

"is giving up and moving to Vermont."

American Housewife

Mom, I've thought about it,

"Mom, I've thought about it,"

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and I refuse to participate

"and I refuse to participate"

American Housewife

And what principle is that?

"And what principle is that?"

American Housewife

And when he does wear clothes,

"And when he does wear clothes,"

American Housewife

they're Ms. Halloran's cashmere hand-me-downs.

"they're Ms. Halloran's cashmere hand-me-downs."

American Housewife

Oliver has one goal in life... to be rich.

"Oliver has one goal in life... to be rich."

American Housewife

And it sure doesn't help that we're living

"And it sure doesn't help that we're living"

American Housewife

Here's a Labradoodle on some idiot's boat.

"Here's a Labradoodle on some idiot's boat."

American Housewife

I'm getting great at peeing outside.

"I'm getting great at peeing outside."

American Housewife

Dry socks.

"Dry socks."

American Housewife

...who just might need a little extra help.

"...who just might need a little extra help."

American Housewife

Yeah. No.

"Yeah. No."

American Housewife

Upstairs.

"Upstairs."

American Housewife

Mommies of the world, I ask you...

"Mommies of the world, I ask you..."

American Housewife

Easy-peasey chicken squeezie.

"Easy-peasey chicken squeezie."

American Housewife

This is Taylor, my oldest,

"This is Taylor, my oldest,"

American Housewife

She's growing up so fast.

"She's growing up so fast."

American Housewife

I'm stocked.

"I'm stocked."

American Housewife

And I really don't want to hear

"And I really don't want to hear"

American Housewife

another one of your bled-through-my-pants stories.

"another one of your bled-through-my-pants stories."

American Housewife

Hey, my mother never talked to me about any of this stuff.

"Hey, my mother never talked to me about any of this stuff."

American Housewife

I spent half of sixth grade

"I spent half of sixth grade"

American Housewife

convinced I was dying.

"convinced I was dying."

American Housewife

It happened to this Pakistani girl I used to know

"It happened to this Pakistani girl I used to know"

American Housewife

Oh, God. Here comes Nude Norman.

"Oh, God. Here comes Nude Norman."

American Housewife

Yeah, well, to be fair to him, it was only that one time.

"Yeah, well, to be fair to him, it was only that one time."

American Housewife

the second-fattest housewife in Westport.

"the second-fattest housewife in Westport."

American Housewife

Damn you, Fat Pam.

"Damn you, Fat Pam."

American Housewife

Ugh. Westport mommies.

"Ugh. Westport mommies."

American Housewife

Hi!

"Hi!"

American Housewife

Not only is Taylor growing up,

"Not only is Taylor growing up,"

American Housewife

but she's growing up to be one of them.

"but she's growing up to be one of them."

American Housewife

Hi!

"Hi!"

American Housewife

That's pizza.

"That's pizza."

American Housewife

I thought it came out in the wash.

"I thought it came out in the wash."

American Housewife

Honest answer?

"Honest answer?"

American Housewife

or I'm wearing it backwards now.

"or I'm wearing it backwards now."

American Housewife

You're so real is Westport Mommy Code

"You're so real is Westport Mommy Code"

American Housewife

for You shouldn't be eating that or driving that,

"for You shouldn't be eating that or driving that,"

American Housewife

and I saw you unbutton your pants at that stoplight.

"and I saw you unbutton your pants at that stoplight."

American Housewife

What do you say, bitches?

"What do you say, bitches?"

American Housewife

Yes.

"Yes."

American Housewife

I'm the one whose genitals took one for the team... twice.

"I'm the one whose genitals took one for the team... twice."

American Housewife

for the last vial of our family sperm.

"for the last vial of our family sperm."

American Housewife

Enough about me and my bitter lesbian divorce.

"Enough about me and my bitter lesbian divorce."

American Housewife

Pam just put her house on the market.

"Pam just put her house on the market."

American Housewife

She's moving to Vermont.

"She's moving to Vermont."

American Housewife

the second-fattest housewife in Westport.

"the second-fattest housewife in Westport."

American Housewife

- Oh, my God. - Katie.

"- Oh, my God. - Katie."

American Housewife

Uh, yeah. That's a Fitbit.

"Uh, yeah. That's a Fitbit."

American Housewife

I literally cannot conceive of a reason

"I literally cannot conceive of a reason"

American Housewife

why a person would need to wear two Fitbits.

"why a person would need to wear two Fitbits."

American Housewife

When did it become okay for women our age

"When did it become okay for women our age"

American Housewife

It's all those damn fools do.

"It's all those damn fools do."

American Housewife

and a total waste of feminine energy.

"and a total waste of feminine energy."

American Housewife

Do you know what you are, Katie?

"Do you know what you are, Katie?"

American Housewife

- You're a revolutionary. - Mm-hmm.

"- You're a revolutionary. - Mm-hmm."

American Housewife

Who came up with the idea that a mother of three

"Who came up with the idea that a mother of three"

American Housewife

Thank you. I know.

"Thank you. I know."

American Housewife

I'll tell you one thing...

"I'll tell you one thing..."

American Housewife

I'm not going on some stupid diet.

"I'm not going on some stupid diet."

American Housewife

Uh-huh.

"Uh-huh."

American Housewife

and let me talk about Nathan Fillion's hair.

"and let me talk about Nathan Fillion's hair."

American Housewife

I told you that makes me feel self-conscious.

"I told you that makes me feel self-conscious."

American Housewife

You... You feel different.

"You... You feel different."

American Housewife

Why?

"Why?"

American Housewife

- Well, they do look good. - Well, they should.

"- Well, they do look good. - Well, they should."

American Housewife

Is your top on backwards?

"Is your top on backwards?"

American Housewife

but I didn't listen.

"but I didn't listen."

American Housewife

Bring in some damn cans of food for the food drive tomorrow,

"Bring in some damn cans of food for the food drive tomorrow,"

American Housewife

But shouldn't you be focusing on your kids who needs focusing?

"But shouldn't you be focusing on your kids who needs focusing?"

American Housewife

How's school, Anna-Kat?

"How's school, Anna-Kat?"

American Housewife

Why didn't you hold hands in partner tag?

"Why didn't you hold hands in partner tag?"

American Housewife

Because I don't want to catch people's invisible germs.

"Because I don't want to catch people's invisible germs."

American Housewife

What? What are you talking about?

"What? What are you talking about?"

American Housewife

Germs are made up.

"Germs are made up."

American Housewife

If she can't sell her house, she can't move, right?

"If she can't sell her house, she can't move, right?"

American Housewife

Oh, this can't miss.

"Oh, this can't miss."

American Housewife

- and park on lawn. - Next.

"- and park on lawn. - Next."

American Housewife

or people who just seem terrorist-y.

"or people who just seem terrorist-y."

American Housewife

No.

"No."

American Housewife

You know those people, End is near!

"You know those people, End is near!"

American Housewife

I'm not gonna do that.

"I'm not gonna do that."

American Housewife

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