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Clips from American Housewife - Pilot (S01E01)

and once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be the s...

"and once Fat Pam is gone, I am going to be the s..."

American Housewife

Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard!

"Anna-Kat! Do not pee in the yard!"

American Housewife

Westport homeless people have better stuff than we do.

"Westport homeless people have better stuff than we do."

American Housewife

It's a little thing called charity, Oliver.

"It's a little thing called charity, Oliver."

American Housewife

here in Westport, Connecticut.

"here in Westport, Connecticut."

American Housewife

Then there's us... We're renters.

"Then there's us... We're renters."

American Housewife

but it's not in the family newsletter.

"but it's not in the family newsletter."

American Housewife

I said it in my head.

"I said it in my head."

American Housewife

I was in the charge of the Trail of Tears diorama,

"I was in the charge of the Trail of Tears diorama,"

American Housewife

The solar system project is all Dad.

"The solar system project is all Dad."

American Housewife

What about the plops?

"What about the plops?"

American Housewife

Lemon squeezie.

"Lemon squeezie."

American Housewife

I can still hear!

"I can still hear!"

American Housewife

Breakfast, Taylor.

"Breakfast, Taylor."

American Housewife

I used to look like that.

"I used to look like that."

American Housewife

How are you stocked for feminine things?

"How are you stocked for feminine things?"

American Housewife

with a sweat sock in my underpants

"with a sweat sock in my underpants"

American Housewife

Would now be a good time to ask for a pet owl?

"Would now be a good time to ask for a pet owl?"

American Housewife

I don't know if there's ever a good time for that.

"I don't know if there's ever a good time for that."

American Housewife

Okay, Daddy.

"Okay, Daddy."

American Housewife

Close the door, baby.

"Close the door, baby."

American Housewife

Anna... Ah, forget it.

"Anna... Ah, forget it."

American Housewife

Hi!

"Hi!"

American Housewife

Have a good day, sweetie.

"Have a good day, sweetie."

American Housewife

to do that little secret thing with your fingers

"to do that little secret thing with your fingers"

American Housewife

to relax yourself?

"to relax yourself?"

American Housewife

Mwah.

"Mwah."

American Housewife

and those stupid green drinks.

"and those stupid green drinks."

American Housewife

My full-time job is to make sure

"My full-time job is to make sure"

American Housewife

Oh, Katie!

"Oh, Katie!"

American Housewife

I love you, Katie.

"I love you, Katie."

American Housewife

You're so real.

"You're so real."

American Housewife

Bye.

"Bye."

American Housewife

Second breakfast?

"Second breakfast?"

American Housewife

- Mnh. Not possible. - No way.

"- Mnh. Not possible. - No way."

American Housewife

- Thank God for Evelyn. - Yeah.

"- Thank God for Evelyn. - Yeah."

American Housewife

There's nothing wrong with you.

"There's nothing wrong with you."

American Housewife

You're beautiful and amazing.

"You're beautiful and amazing."

American Housewife

And they're just totally giving...

"And they're just totally giving..."

American Housewife

Is that a Fitbit?

"Is that a Fitbit?"

American Housewife

On every level.

"On every level."

American Housewife

Half the women in this country are over a size 14,

"Half the women in this country are over a size 14,"

American Housewife

and they're made to feel bad about themselves.

"and they're made to feel bad about themselves."

American Housewife

Oh, you have a great ass, Katie.

"Oh, you have a great ass, Katie."

American Housewife

Like a couple of ripe cantaloupes in your pants.

"Like a couple of ripe cantaloupes in your pants."

American Housewife

Greg pretty much wants to have sex with me all the time anyway.

"Greg pretty much wants to have sex with me all the time anyway."

American Housewife

I'm not really interested

"I'm not really interested"

American Housewife

in giving him any added incentives.

"in giving him any added incentives."

American Housewife

Sex on a full stomach after midnight

"Sex on a full stomach after midnight"

American Housewife

You know I love the way you look.

"You know I love the way you look."

American Housewife

Oh, let's just get those off of you, then.

"Oh, let's just get those off of you, then."

American Housewife

They're 1/3 gut.

"They're 1/3 gut."

American Housewife

I feel good.

"I feel good."

American Housewife

Me, too.

"Me, too."

American Housewife

I always feel a tiny bit sick, but not in a bad way.

"I always feel a tiny bit sick, but not in a bad way."

American Housewife

with the food drive last year.

"with the food drive last year."

American Housewife

violates my principles,

"violates my principles,"

American Housewife

and it's tearing this country apart.

"and it's tearing this country apart."

American Housewife

They told me to stop

"They told me to stop"

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eating soft cheeses while I was pregnant with you,

"eating soft cheeses while I was pregnant with you,"

American Housewife

And this is what happens.

"And this is what happens."

American Housewife

I think that's a weird thing to say to a child.

"I think that's a weird thing to say to a child."

American Housewife

Listen to me, Oliver.

"Listen to me, Oliver."

American Housewife

and that is a direct order.

"and that is a direct order."

American Housewife

Well, I don't have any friends.

"Well, I don't have any friends."

American Housewife

Of course you have friends, sweetie.

"Of course you have friends, sweetie."

American Housewife

- That is not how you get sick. - Pretty sure it is.

"- That is not how you get sick. - Pretty sure it is."

American Housewife

Right.

"Right."

American Housewife

Everyone's crazy.

"Everyone's crazy."

American Housewife

So...

"So..."

American Housewife

I came up with a few ways

"I came up with a few ways"

American Housewife

Number 1... remove three tires from car

"Number 1... remove three tires from car"

American Housewife

Put two hogs in yard.

"Put two hogs in yard."

American Housewife

Mm-hmm. And I put a star next to it.

"Mm-hmm. And I put a star next to it."

American Housewife

Greg.

"Greg."

American Housewife

and then there's me.

"and then there's me."

American Housewife

And it's like stepping into a really bright spotlight.

"And it's like stepping into a really bright spotlight."

American Housewife

And it's making me feel really bad about something

"And it's making me feel really bad about something"

American Housewife

being fat.

"being fat."

American Housewife

If it was O.J.,

"If it was O.J.,"

American Housewife

I need to find myself a ripe fatty

"I need to find myself a ripe fatty"

American Housewife

Is it too late for tampon wind chimes?

"Is it too late for tampon wind chimes?"

American Housewife

I mean, it's probably just a coincidence

"I mean, it's probably just a coincidence"

American Housewife

We often wonder why an arsonist would be so obsessed

"We often wonder why an arsonist would be so obsessed"

American Housewife

Oh, my God. It's Two Fitbits.

"Oh, my God. It's Two Fitbits."

American Housewife

Why would anyone need to wear two Fitbits?

"Why would anyone need to wear two Fitbits?"

American Housewife

It's no use.

"It's no use."

American Housewife

There hasn't been

"There hasn't been"

American Housewife

Anna-Kat, honey,

"Anna-Kat, honey,"

American Housewife

I will not have that in this house.

"I will not have that in this house."

American Housewife

Dad, I'll leave you to handle this.

"Dad, I'll leave you to handle this."

American Housewife

I will not have my daughter become one of them...

"I will not have my daughter become one of them..."

American Housewife

40-year-olds who are trying to look like teenagers.

"40-year-olds who are trying to look like teenagers."

American Housewife

I will not have my teenage daughter

"I will not have my teenage daughter"

American Housewife

You know we have a step stool.

"You know we have a step stool."

American Housewife

Yeah.

"Yeah."

American Housewife

How do you think we should handle...

"How do you think we should handle..."

American Housewife

Oliver!

"Oliver!"

American Housewife

Hey, Mom.

"Hey, Mom."

American Housewife

You just lost it all, my friend.

"You just lost it all, my friend."

American Housewife

I am giving it to a charity of my choosing.

"I am giving it to a charity of my choosing."

American Housewife

I will not have you be one of these

"I will not have you be one of these"

American Housewife

You are not getting this back until you do something good

"You are not getting this back until you do something good"

American Housewife

It is communism, and I'm...

"It is communism, and I'm..."

American Housewife

I'm Stalin.

"I'm Stalin."

American Housewife

Mm-hmm.

"Mm-hmm."

American Housewife

What?

"What?"

American Housewife

She gets this from you.

"She gets this from you."

American Housewife

to never touch another human ever again,

"to never touch another human ever again,"

American Housewife

Hi.

"Hi."

American Housewife

Friends are more important than germs.

"Friends are more important than germs."

American Housewife

Friends are more important than germs.

"Friends are more important than germs."

American Housewife

Greg!

"Greg!"

American Housewife

Thanks, Daddy.

"Thanks, Daddy."

American Housewife

You convinced me.

"You convinced me."

American Housewife

We've put in our offer well above the asking price.

"We've put in our offer well above the asking price."

American Housewife

I am so glad you talked us into Westport.

"I am so glad you talked us into Westport."

American Housewife

Well, we were a little hesitant to move here, to be honest.

"Well, we were a little hesitant to move here, to be honest."

American Housewife

There are a lot of them, right?

"There are a lot of them, right?"

American Housewife

to welcome this racist homophobe to the neighborhood

"to welcome this racist homophobe to the neighborhood"

American Housewife

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