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Clips from Veep - Joint Session (S04E04)

"- I got the new formula from La Prairie... - No, no."
Veep
"Just give me the whole tube 'cause you can't come into this next meeting either."
Veep
"- And I'm totally fine with that, you know. - Well..."
Veep
"Well, Joint Chiefs are on their way."
Veep
"We should hear their big clanking balls any second."
Veep
"And then all the paintings will fall off the walls."
Veep
"- Oh, hey, Gare? - Yeah, yeah, yeah."
Veep
"What is the coffee that the navy stewards use?"
Veep
"(laughs) I can only imagine."
Veep
"- It's heaven. - Oh."
Veep
"- It's like Colombian tongue sex. - Wow."
Veep
"Why don't we ever use that coffee?"
Veep
"I don't know, but you love our old coffee."
Veep
"- Nah. - No."
Veep
"- Reservoir Dogs, huh? - Excuse me?"
Veep
"I've never actually seen it, but as I understand,"
Veep
"there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this."
Veep
"What do you think they're gonna offer us?"
Veep
"- Uh, $2 billion. Three, tops. - Uh-huh."
Veep
"So you ready for these buzz-cut bozos?"
Veep
"What are you talking about?"
Veep
"I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive,"
Veep
"dysfunctional men, i.e., men."
Veep
"Well, that's what we do best."
Veep
"That and farting during first Communions."
Veep
"It's funny... I don't really think of you as a man."
Veep
"- Oh. Okay. - Oh, here they are."
Veep
"Ma'am. Joint Chiefs of Staff."
Veep
"- Gentlemen. - Dexter: Madam President."
Veep
"Selina: Please come in. Take a seat."
Veep
"I understand you're on the warpath. I get that."
Veep
"I think it's your favorite path. (laughs)"
Veep
"- Vampires! - God, stop!"
Veep
"If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now."
Veep
"That's a life lesson courtesy of Jobi-Wan Kenobi."
Veep
"- That's not cool, man. - Wait, what are you even doing?"
Veep
"I'm keeping an eye on the president."
Veep
"Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable"
Veep
"- at the book depository next door? - Do you know what?"
Veep
"- Can you just leave, please? - It was a joke."
Veep
"Hey, do you know Teddy Sykes over in the VP's office?"
Veep
"Teddy? Yeah. He's a great guy."
Veep
"- He is? - He's really, really hands-on."
Veep
"Oh. Okay."
Veep
"Why do you want to know about Teddy?"
Veep
"He played this joke, and, I mean, it was really funny,"
Veep
"but, I don't know, it was a little weird and..."
Veep
"what's the president doing?"
Veep
"It looks like she's having a meeting with the Joint Chiefs."
Veep
"I don't think it's scheduled."
Veep
"We know you need cuts, but a further 25,000 reduction"
Veep
"in active military troops is unthinkable."
Veep
"Yeah, but here I am. I'm thinking it."
Veep
"The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable."
Veep
"Kent majored in fortune cookies."
Veep
"(Gasps) Oh! Oh! Oh, my God!"
Veep
"Are you okay? You look... you look okay."
Veep
"Your predecessor said that a force of 420,000"
Veep
"would be more than adequate..."
Veep
"Yeah, that's horse hockey. Forgive me, ma'am."
Veep
"No, no. No forgiveness needed."
Veep
"I mean, at least you didn't say that's fucking bullshit."
Veep
"(laughs) Okay, well, let's see."
Veep
"- We're stuck. - We'd like to propose an alternative cut."
Veep
"Oh, okay. An alternative cut."
Veep
"That sounds interesting, doesn't it, Ben?"
Veep
"- Very interesting. - Very interesting."
Veep
"The N620 submarine lacks a mission."
Veep
"It was designed for an outdated Cold War scenario"
Veep
"that's gone the way of the fax machine and the VCR."
Veep
"Okay, so what does that mean"
Veep
"in terms of numbers ballparkwise?"
Veep
"I mean, if we were to scrap this program you suggest?"
Veep
"$50 billion."
Veep
"I... I'm sorry, could you say that again?"
Veep
"50 billion."
Veep
"Five-zero followed by a bunch of zeroes?"
Veep
"- Nine. - Yes."
Veep
"All right, well, you know, I think..."
Veep
"well, you know, this gives us something to think about."
Veep
"- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm."
Veep
"It's page three, I think it is."
Veep
"Yeah. Well, I think we might have different..."
Veep
"(panting) (Teddy laughing)"
Veep
"I think Lassie is trying to tell us something."
Veep
"POTUS and the Joint Chiefs meeting, happening now."
Veep
"Oh, shit! God damn it. I told you, Teddy."
Veep
"Sir, can I sit down? I think I split my diaphragm."
Veep
"I need you to run."
Veep
"- Thank you. - Okay."
Veep
"(Exhales) (Ben laughing)"
Veep
"$50 billion!"
Veep
"That was masterly, ma'am."
Veep
"- Oh, my God! - Or mistressly, whichever isn't offensive."
Veep
"That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock."
Veep
"- Yeah, I nearly puked. - How big is $50 billion?"
Veep
"Get it in here in five-dollar bills."
Veep
"I'm gonna climb it and see if I get frostbite."
Veep
"(laughing)"
Veep
"Oh, oh, Andrew."
Veep
"- Heard there was a meeting. - Yes."
Veep
"It was just a little light housecleaning."
Veep
"- Dusting, really. - I ran all the way here."
Veep
"Well, you know what? You're in phenomenal shape."
Veep
"For a man of your age, it's just extraordinary."
Veep
"Are you thirsty? Do you want something to drink?"
Veep
"(Breathless) No, I have a lot to do."
Veep
"Okay, bye-bye. Oh, wait, Andrew."
Veep
"Would you close the door behind you?"
Veep
"Thanks. But nice to see you."
Veep
"We bet on American workers. We bet on American ingenuity."
Veep
"Guys, this writing is absolutely fantastic!"
Veep
"It's 50 Shades of Great. (laughs)"
Veep
"- Really. - Thank you, Madam President."
Veep
"All in a day's work that also took all night."
Veep
"- How do I look? - Oh, beautiful, beautiful."
Veep
"- Good. - Actually, let me take these glasses out."
Veep
"- It looks like you have a penis. - What?"
Veep
"Which you can totally pull off if you had... if you had to."
Veep
"- Ben: Got to go. - Good luck, Madam President."
Veep
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