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Clips from Veep - Joint Session (S04E04)

"President needs the bag."
Veep
"- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. - She only needs the bag."
Veep
"Okay, it's not that simple. Hey, hey, hey, easy."
Veep
"You're holding it wrong. You're holding it wrong.(door closes)"
Veep
"Ladies be crying, pimps be dying."
Veep
"It's Jonah Ryan."
Veep
"Ah, I thought I heard a little girl's voice."
Veep
"- I was right. - Hello, sir."
Veep
"Come with me. This is a man hang now."
Veep
"It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore."
Veep
"And that was just Dan. (laughter)"
Veep
"Hey, big guy. How's it hanging?"
Veep
"You know, pretty good. Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon..."
Veep
"rock hard and covered in pussy juice."
Veep
"(laughs) You like that? I got a ton of them."
Veep
"- You can ask me again. - Hey, how's it hanging?"
Veep
"- Like a fat meat fence post... - Doyle: Mr. Ryan."
Veep
"Oh, Mr. Vice President. Hello."
Veep
"Thank you for asking me to stop by."
Veep
"You know who won the war?"
Veep
"I believe that we... we did?"
Veep
"No, not the grunts in the front."
Veep
"It was the fellas behind the scenes."
Veep
"- The intel gatherers, the code crackers. - Ah, yeah."
Veep
"I need you to be my West Wing wiretap."
Veep
"I need you to spy for me."
Veep
"- Yes, sir. - Selina freezing you out, old-timer?"
Veep
"Oh, absolutely. Cycle of abuse continues."
Veep
"Like the Catholic Church."
Veep
"Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding."
Veep
"Oh, boom. Lean down, high five."
Veep
"- All right. - (laughs) Yeah."
Veep
"Doyle: That's it, Jonah. Thank you."
Veep
"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."
Veep
"Yeah, he's a good kid."
Veep
"Yeah, excuse me a second."
Veep
"So, you hate me, right?"
Veep
"- I'm sorry? - No, no, I'm kidding. We're buds."
Veep
"But I'm the vice president's chief of staff."
Veep
"You know, you came to see him directly,"
Veep
"I didn't know you were coming."
Veep
"- So... - Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."
Veep
"not... I didn't mean to step out of line."
Veep
"Oh, no, we're good. We're friends forever."
Veep
"- All right, okay, cool. Thanks, Teddy. - You're a good man, Jonah."
Veep
"We need guys like you, because this game takes guts."
Veep
"- Yeah. Yeah. - Right? And it takes balls."
Veep
"Whoa."
Veep
"You've got 'em, buddy."
Veep
"(Elevator bell dings) (elevator doors open)"
Veep
"Yeah, elevator's here."
Veep
"Yeah. The vice president likes you."
Veep
"I like when he likes people."
Veep
"So just text me before you come over."
Veep
"I'll always let you in."
Veep
"- Okay. - It was great talking to you."
Veep
"I don't want to be stuck with the Hughes plan."
Veep
"Some dead guy's plan."
Veep
"Well, he's not dead, ma'am."
Veep
"No. It's fun for me to say, though."
Veep
"What are the numbers here"
Veep
"in the latest polling on Families First, huh?"
Veep
"Raising kids out of poverty and helping working moms?"
Veep
"Yeah."
Veep
"Poor working moms seem to love it for some reason."
Veep
"But they only ever vote with their phones,"
Veep
"usually for other poor young moms who can't sing."
Veep
"All right, well, thank you for these numbers, guys."
Veep
"- Thank you. - You're welcome, Madam President."
Veep
"But, I mean, there has got to be a way"
Veep
"to have the cuts and have the Families First bill."
Veep
"What about the military? Would they go for more cuts, you think?"
Veep
"Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb."
Veep
"What? What did you say? A cock-thumb?"
Veep
"- Yeah. - What is that?"
Veep
"Tell me, do not show me."
Veep
"Well, we propose a radical cut to the military... cutting off the cock..."
Veep
"the Joint Chiefs in turn propose"
Veep
"their own more reasonable cut... cutting off the thumb."
Veep
"Commonly known as negotiating?"
Veep
"Okay, well, let's cock-thumb."
Veep
"I really don't care for that term."
Veep
"- Madam President. - Yeah?"
Veep
"The Prime Minister of India has sent you this."
Veep
"- Why? - I can't really work it out,"
Veep
"but I'll put in a time for you to thank him."
Veep
"No, I don't want that."
Veep
"- No duck? - No."
Veep
"Sue: It's a dead duck."
Veep
"Madam President, there will be a way"
Veep
"to do both of these things, cuts and spending."
Veep
"I know, you can absolutely do two contradictory things at once."
Veep
"For example, I love my mother,"
Veep
"but I had to put her in a home."
Veep
"And it's actually better for her if I don't visit."
Veep
"Ma'am, this job will never be easy."
Veep
"Man, don't I know it. Oh, my God."
Veep
"I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head. You know that feeling?"
Veep
"Yeah. Did you ever hear the theory that Reagan hired Hinckley"
Veep
"just so he could get two weeks in bed?"
Veep
"(laughs) Yeah, I'd buy that."
Veep
"All right, so we'll cock-thumb the Joint Chiefs."
Veep
"What do you think they're gonna offer?"
Veep
"I don't know. Two, three billion."
Veep
"You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield."
Veep
"Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay. (laughs)"
Veep
"- Get about 10 bucks for that. - Yeah. Yeah."
Veep
"Amy: Louis, Pennsylvania numbers,"
Veep
"I need them up to date and two days ago, so work it out."
Veep
"I have the new figures on absentee ballots and early voting."
Veep
"Great, take a chopper up and add it to the top of the pile on my desk."
Veep
"Mr. Cafferty wants to know our direct mail plans."
Veep
"The president needs to make a decision."
Veep
"Cuts or spending on the Families bill."
Veep
"- Got it. - Chicken and egg scenario."
Veep
"Yeah, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate."
Veep
"What's in the speech?"
Veep
"Will the president cut the deficit or spend on families?"
Veep
"Austerity or playgrounds?"
Veep
"Mike: She's considering her options."
Veep
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