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Clips from Workaholics (2011) - Weed the People (S07E07)

"Okay, guys, I know you have been getting"
Workaholics (2011)
"a little bored with the products that we have been selling,"
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"so today is very exciting,"
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"'cause we are going to start selling a new product!"
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"Well, that's the thing though, is I don't sell products."
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"I sell, like, vibes, and right now"
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"the only vibe I'm catching is that you looking good, girl."
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"- Down, boy. - Ow!"
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"Now, I could read off of some"
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"boring, old product info pamphlet,"
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"but I thought it would be a lot more fun"
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"if we brought in the inventor of the product himself,"
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"so put your hands together for Fireman Ted, huh?"
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"[clapping]"
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"Huh. Thank you, thank you."
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"Thank you, Miss Murphy, very much."
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"Oh, well, thank you, Fireman Ted."
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"I thank all of you for your time."
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"Let's just say that one night you're out"
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"with your best friends and extended family"
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"enjoying a couple of platters of Johnsonville brats"
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"when suddenly, you smell heavy heavy smoke,"
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"and you turn around only to find"
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"that you are all trapped by a raging fire."
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"Blinded by the smoke, you call out to your buddies,"
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""Hey, buddies, where are ya? Where are ya?""
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"but they can't hear you because of the roar of the raging fire,"
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"and they cannot respond because of the noxious smoke"
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"that is searing their lungs. [coughs]"
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"And then they die,"
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"and I'm talking crispy critter dead."
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"And you spend the rest of your life"
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"just wishing there was something you could have done"
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"to prevent that horror."
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"The Smoke Cutter."
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"A safety whistle with a built-in air filter"
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"which allows its user to breathe smoke-free"
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"while simultaneously emitting a very distinct whistle."
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"[blows distorted whistle]"
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"Um, do you think you're on "Shark Tank" right now?"
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"- [laughter] - Oh, put that please"
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"in my mou-outh."
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"I don't care what you people think,"
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"we are selling these Smoke Cutters,"
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"and that is final."
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"You really think there's any good reason"
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"we're gonna sell anything made by this dork?"
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"Because... this dork is my dad!"
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"[blows distorted whistle]"
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"[The Skinny Boys' "Jock Box"]"
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"♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta... gotta ♪"
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"♪ Gotta be fresh ♪"
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"- Ya! - Ninja star!"
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"How dare the two of you smoke the rest of my stash!"
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"You know that today I didn't "wake and bake," I just waked."
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"Ow! You son of a gun!"
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"Ow! Oh, that one freakin' hurt."
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"- Dude, are you hurting? - Yeah, that one sliced me."
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"- Okay, excuse me. - Not."
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"Excuse me. You guys haven't sold one whistle."
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"Okay, you know what? Stop "effing" around"
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"and get back on the phones, now!"
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"Look, I don't want to offend you or diss you"
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"by saying what I'm about to say, but..."
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"Your dad's Smoke Cutters blow ass."
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"If I shit in a tin cup, you should be able to sell it."
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"We could probably sell that a little easier"
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"because of, like, fetish sites and stuff."
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"- Yeah. - People are freaks, Alice."
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"- Ugh. - Ew!"
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"Actually, I'll take one."
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"Okay, look, I'm sorry, but I need you guys"
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"to sell these, okay, because my dad has been driving me crazy"
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"about giving him grandkids, so to get him off my ass,"
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"I said, "Why don't you take a business class?"
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"Invent something.""
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"Then he sunk his life-freaking-savings"
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"into these stupid whistles, so we have to sell them,"
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"or I gotta find a hubby and shoot a pup out my hoo-hoo."
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"I hear you loud and clear."
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"- [laughs] Oh, there you are. - [laughs]"
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"This place is a labyrinth."
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"Hey, how's it going? Let me sidle up next to you"
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"and let you know that my intentions with your daughter"
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"have been and always will be pure. Hi, I'm Adam."
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"You two are dating?"
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"- Oh. [laughs] - Yes,"
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"in a very significant way."
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"It started off purely physical, but then it got emotional,"
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"and then it went back to physical,"
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"but my intentions are pure. I want you to know that."
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"- [laughs] They are. - Ow. They are."
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"[both lahing] Ow. They are."
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"Yeah, Adam and I are... dating."
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"Anyway, but I wanted to tell you,"
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"the boys are, like, super excited"
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"to sell your Smoke Cutters, aren't you, guys?"
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"- Oh? Ooh, nice. - Yeah."
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"So, let's get down to it. How many you sold?"
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"Dozen? Two dozen?"
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"- Zero. - Zero for now,"
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"but we are gonna call in"
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"a very wonderful sales consultant"
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"and just see if he can't work some magic for us, right, guys?"
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"- Yeah, yeah. - And he will."
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"I mean, we were just talking about how fantastic"
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"- this Smoke Cutter product is. - Oh, yeah."
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"It's the second most fantastic thing you've created, hmm?"
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"- [laughs] Yeah, oh. - [chuckles]"
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"The first being Alice. You guys got that, right?"
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"- We got it. - Yeah, okay, cool."
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"No, we totally got it."
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"Does this look good?"
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"It's my new "siggy." Adam Murphy."
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"We gon' get "maweed.""
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"- Aw. - And you would take her name?"
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"Yeah."
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"That's a bitch move, man."
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"Obviously, we know who the submissive one"
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"in that relationship is."
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