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Clips from The Change-Up

"And so he just keeps working"
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"and he's not paying any attention to me."
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"And I'm miserable. Oh, God."
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"Because... I have huge feet."
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"They're size 11."
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"My foot has grown a half a size with each baby."
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"I have to go to this weird online shoe store to get shoes."
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"And I just want him to pay attention to me."
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"And I want him to grab me"
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"and kiss me like he used to."
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"And it's like you always say,"
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"Dave is a little bit of a pussy."
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"I always say that?"
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"Yeah."
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"I always say that because it's true."
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"Dave is a little bit of a pussy."
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"I hope that when he makes partner,"
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"he can just finally stop and see..."
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"And be happy, you know?"
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"Because how can you stay married to somebody"
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"who is incapable of being happy?"
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"What are you saying?"
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"Holy fuck-knuckles, I've got freckles on my taint."
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"How awesome is that?"
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"Hey, fag, what are you doing here?"
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"Three days to three weeks?"
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"You left the kids at daycare?"
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"Come, on, Mitch! Those are my kids."
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"I can't do this shit any more."
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"No, no, no. You are going do this shit."
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"You don't get off that easy."
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"My marriage is falling apart, my job is on the line."
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"You are going to be the best possible me you can be right now."
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"Dave, you don't understand. I cannot do this."
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"Not even for another hour. You're gonna do it."
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"I don't care! You're going to stay here and do this right!"
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"Get out of my fucking way, or I'll drown you in your own goddamn tub!"
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"Easy, motherfucker!"
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"If you leave now... Get your hands off me."
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"...This friendship is over!"
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"Fuck you. Don't pull that shit on me."
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"I got to get the fuck out of here. I'm serious, Mitch. Shut up!"
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"Jamie and the kids mean everything to me."
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"There's no walking out on this."
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"For once in your life, you got to see something through."
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"What the fuck does that mean?"
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"I'm going to be honest with you, Mitch,"
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"because there's a lot on the line here."
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"You are a quitter."
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"But quitting is not an option on this one, okay?"
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"You focus, you find it."
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"I don't care where, but you find it inside of yourself, okay?"
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"I know it's there."
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"It's not like I'm not trying."
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"I just don't know how to do all your grown-up crap."
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"You're going to learn."
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"This is called a suit. You wear one every day."
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"Along with a necktie. Black, not white, socks."
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"Dress shoes, not shower sandals. Please. These are awful."
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"And, of course, underwear. Oh, come on."
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"No more commando, Mitch,"
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"you're a grown-ass man. Put them on."
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"This is called a schedule."
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"It tells you everything you need to do each day."
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"Pick-u ps, drop-offs, activities,"
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"play-dates, doctor's appointments, etc."
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"You'll notice that there are approximately 50 hours' worth of obligations"
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"on any given day. Make it work."
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"This is called a grocery store."
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"People buy food here. It's part of your responsibilities."
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"Before heading to the market,"
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"always call Jamie and ask her if she needs anything first."
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"In fact, before making any decision"
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"in your life, no matter how small,"
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"call your wife first."
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"Think of yourself as a brain-damaged mule,"
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"lost in the desert, helpless, dumb"
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"and in constant need of direction."
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"Never take the initiative, never strike out on your own,"
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"and never deviate from the plan. Why?"
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"Because you are a brain-damaged mule"
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"and you are lost in the damn desert!"
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"These are called children, or dependants."
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"Never disparage your own child."
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"Everything they do is a miracle from God."
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"When they're bad, it's only because"
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"they're tired or going through a phase."
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"When other kids are bad, it's because of indulgent parenting"
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"or innate defects in the child's character."
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"Be 15 minutes early for everything."
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"It doesn't matter what it is. A meeting, an event."
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"Less stress for me, less stress for you..."
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"Hey! You're married now, jackass."
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"You can't look at other women."
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"You can't talk to other women."
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"You can't even be interesting around other women."
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"Do everything in your power to desexualize yourself."
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"Wear a fanny pack, drive a Prius,"
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"attach electronic devices to your belt, whatever it takes."
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"And if you find yourself forced to talk to a woman,"
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"quickly find a way to mention the fact that you're married."
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"It doesn't even have to make sense."
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"Hi, how are you? Nice weather today. He's totally fucking married."
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"So I can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women?"
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"What the hell is that?"
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"Marriage."
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"I think that's everything."
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"You got any more questions?"
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"Do you ever have any free time?"
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"Have you listened to a single word I've said?"
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"There is no free time."
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"And at the end of the day, do you know what you get?"
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"A fucking gun with a bullet to blow my head off with?"
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"Sometimes you wish."
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"Hi."
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"Did you hear the good news?"
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"Kinkabe and Amalgamated agreed to go into binding mediation in two days."
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"Hold up. What do you mean? Two days?"
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"So, I'll have my briefs on your desk by lunch."
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"That puts my balls on your chin by dinner."
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