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Clips from The Change-Up

"I was playing it nice and cool, just like we talked about,"
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"and then these goddamn squids, these Japs,"
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"these fucking Kamikaze pilots are coming at me,"
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"riddling me with fucking questions."
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"I had to do a little improv, and they got very emotional."
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"Will you just tell me how it ended?"
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"You're going to court. No! Fuck! Oh, my God!"
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"Your boss was a little pissed off."
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"I told him it was part of my secret master plan."
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"No, you didn't!"
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"We'll work on one of those. You tell me how my shit went."
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"Oh, your shit? How'd my stuff go?"
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"Mitch, what the hell is wrong with you?"
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"It was a porno movie!"
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"It's a Iorno, a light porn."
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"The dick stays in the pants, right?"
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"They didn't pull it out, did they?"
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"But my thumb went in three girls' assholes."
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"Oh, fuck, get the sand out of your vagina."
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"Did you finish the day?"
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"I finished the day, Mitchell."
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"What are you doing?"
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"I finished the day. Good."
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"You're living the dream."
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"You're living the fucking dream! Your job sucks, too."
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"This isn't going to work."
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"This is not going to work. That's way too much."
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"Hey, man, hang on. What are you planning on telling her?"
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"I'm telling her the truth."
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"The truth? Yeah."
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"That's going to work."
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"Jamie will know what to do."
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"Jame. Jame."
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"Hey, sugarbug."
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"Hi, Daddy!"
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"Hey!"
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"Hey, my precocious little daughter."
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"I don't talk like that."
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"You do. I really don't. No one does."
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"Jamie, hey! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie."
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"I'm so glad you're here. It's been so crazy."
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"Oh, that's appropriate."
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"Hey, Mitch. Jamie, we need to talk."
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"Are you going to stay for dinner?"
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"No, I can't stay for dinner, but I would love to..."
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"Look, I got to tell you something."
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"I can't talk right now, Mitch. It's been so crazy here."
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"The twins are a half-hour past their bedtime."
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"What are you doing? What are you, some kind of animal?"
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"And Cara has to start her homework."
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"I have an emergency phone call in four minutes."
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"You know that building?"
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"The 11-story building? Yup."
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"I have to remove three stories somehow. Isn't that crazy?"
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"Yeah."
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"It's so ridiculous. It makes no sense at all."
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"I'm not Mitch."
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"What? I'm Mitch."
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"He's Mitch. I'm Mitch. Somehow we switched bodies."
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"And I'm Dave. That's Dave. Yeah."
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"Oh."
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"What happened was, we pissed in a magic fountain..."
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"Uh-huh. ... and the next day it disappeared."
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"They moved the fountain, so now we're looking for it."
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"And when they find it, we're going to switch back."
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"We had to pee because we were drinking."
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"We were drinking."
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"That sounds like a plan. Can you start the bath for the twins?"
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"Okay, pumpkin, this is..."
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"Mitch, no."
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"Don't call me pumpkin, okay?"
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"And you promised me that you would clean out..."
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"Can you shut this off?"
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"It smells like cabbage now! Jamie, Jamie, Jamie, sit down."
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"One second. Just humor me, all right?"
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"I want you to ask me one thing..."
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"I don't want to play your games."
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"...That only Dave would be able to answer."
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"Just one question. Please, I'm begging you."
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"Good idea."
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"Okay, when is our anniversary, Dave?"
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"April 17th. Next question, please."
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"Wrong."
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"So close. Nineteenth."
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"Seventeenth's your daughter's birthday, 19th's your anniversary."
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"- Why do you know that? - Do you think I'm a monster?"
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"I send you a card every year. Jamie, listen to me."
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"Ask me anything else."
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"Oh, my gosh! Mitch,"
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"I don't have time for this!"
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"Come on, one more. Just make it tough."
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"Only Dave would know. A stumper."
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"Fine. What is my favorite color, Dave?"
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"Red. Celadon."
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"Do you not understand what we're trying to accomplish here?"
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"Not a drop of the red in the room."
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"All the accents are celadon."
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"It's like the opposite of help."
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"Okay, honey, I got it."
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"I'm going to tell you something"
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"that only I, Dave, would know."
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"Three years ago, you took your vibrator..."
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"- You took your vibrator... - Morning!"
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"...Into the bathtub and it short-circuited"
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"and it electrocuted your vagina."
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"Hang on."
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"And there's now the cutest little bald spot right there."
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"Yeah."
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"Hi."
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"Oh, my God."
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"I know. It's me. This hasn't been fun."
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"Good story."
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"You son of a bitch!"
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"How dare you tell him that?"
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"God!"
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"What is wrong with you two?"
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"God damn!"
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"How would you like it if I told him"
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"that you have a ball that feels like two balls?"
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"So it's like you have three balls."
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