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Clips from The Change-Up

"How many women have you fucked in your mind, huh? Thousands?"
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"Millions, Mitch. Was that cheating?"
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"No. It was not fucking cheating."
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"I think you're on very firm legal ground here, counselor."
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"Your reasoning is oddly impeccable."
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"This is what you wanted, Dave."
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"Sex with strange, new women."
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"You just thank me later and shut your mouth, all right?"
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"Goodbye. Kirk out."
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"I'm going to do this."
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"Tatiana."
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"Game on."
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"I like how you made me work for it tonight."
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"What am I? A burglar?"
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"Holy shit."
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"Holy shit!"
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"Why the fuck are you still wearing clothes?"
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"When are you due?"
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"Any minute now,"
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"so let's get our fuck on before this becomes a threesome."
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"Oh, that's so gross!"
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"Whoa, stop for a second. Stop for a second."
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"You're so heavy!"
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"My tits are aching for you."
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"That's probably the Colostrum coming, and it'll be very painful."
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"Okay, okay. Just friends. Just friends."
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"Okay, what's your deal tonight?"
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"Nothing."
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"Is it my new haircut?"
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"No."
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"The trenchcoat. Too cliché?"
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"No, it's not the trenchcoat."
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"Then what is it?"
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"You seem like a really nice person,"
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"but were you pregnant last week?"
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"Are you kidding me?"
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"You picked me up at a single mothers' Lamaze class."
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"- That's so twisted. - Oh, God."
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"Wait, wait, Tatiana. Tatiana. I'm sorry, okay?"
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"You're beautiful. You're beautiful."
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"You're just..."
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"What? I'm not sexy?"
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"No, no. Hey. Look, I did not say that, okay?"
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"You are... Oh, my God! I can see it kicking!"
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"You know what, Mitch?"
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"Don't ever call me again."
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"No, hold on. Wait, Tatiana, don't go."
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"I mean, go, but just go to a hospital."
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"Oh, Mitch. What are you doing?"
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"Oh, God."
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"I mean, it is called a push-up, Dave."
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"Pathetic."
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"Oh, God, I'm really feeling it tonight."
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"Holy shit."
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"Game on."
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"Oh, my God, it's going down. Oh, Mitch!"
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"I finally get to fuck Jamie. This is my finest hour."
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"I hope she likes it weird."
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"God, I am going to ruin her!"
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"Oh!"
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"I need to cool it on the Thai food."
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"Oh, my God."
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"Seriously, dude, light a candle."
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"Oh, my God."
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"No, no, no. Don't back that thing up into me."
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"Go hose it out or something."
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"What?"
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"I can't believe you'd come at me, guns hot."
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"Guns hot?"
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"Are you kidding me?"
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"No, I'm not, lady. It's not going to happen tonight, okay?"
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"I'm not attracted to you."
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"Rotate your turret and go night-night."
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"It's your turn."
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"Hmm?"
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"It's your turn to feed the babies."
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"I don't feel like it."
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"Come on."
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"Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
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"It's 3:00 in the morning. You go do it, you're the mother."
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"I'm the mother! It's 3:00 in the morning!"
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"Get the fuck out of the bed right now before I fucking cut you!"
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"Jesus! What the fuck?"
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"Unreal. This is just..."
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"Oh, please."
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"Hey, hey! What the fuck?"
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"Oh, God! That did not just happen."
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"What?"
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"Hey. I always thought your wife was a nice lady,"
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"but she talks like a dock worker"
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"and she shits like one, too."
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"Plus, I used to think your kids were adorable, but they're not."
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"They're fucking bananas."
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"Can I help you?"
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"Here's the deal. I got two screaming..."
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"Hold on. What's with all the heavy breathing?"
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"Are you jerking off?"
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"No, I'm not."
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"Yes, yes, yes, I am."
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"Look, I never get this kind of privacy any more."
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"Isn't that kind of my dick, though?"
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"Is that weird?"
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"You ask yourself that."
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"It sort of hooks to the side a bit."
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"Use your left hand, you get a little bit more torque."
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"That's cool. Thank you, I think."
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"Question."
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"How long have you been shaved down there?"
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"I don't... Like, sixth grade."
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"Well, that's disturbing."
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"Gets me an extra inch,"
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"and only you married dudes rock the dick-froes."
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"Now, let me ask you a question."
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"If Tatiana was over earlier,"
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"why do you still have the need to jerk off?"
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"Tatiana. I don't think that she's going to be back for at least..."
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"She's never coming back, Mitch."
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"What did you do?"
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"The woman is nine months pregnant!"
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"I could see the baby's face."
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