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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes on a Date! (S01E01)

"I'm kidding."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I know what planes are. I was in the Air Force."
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"But..."
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"this feels like goodbye."
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"Fine."
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"If that's how you feel..."
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"Goodbye."
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"Sorry. Grant and I just kept talking,"
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"and I don't have a watch,"
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"and then I realized my phone has a clock on it."
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"Where is Cupertino?"
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"So you two hit it off?"
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"We're actually having dinner tonight."
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"Well, not tonight, 3:00 pm."
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"I knew it!"
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"You know, at first, I was afraid, Is he too old?"
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"Is it weird that all of his wives"
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"have been killed in boating accidents?"
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"But then I thought,"
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"He has a floor-through apartment at 1134 Fifth Avenue."
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"You, sir, can kill me on a boat anytime."
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"Oh, Charles, you're gonna have to take Buckley"
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"to lacrosse today."
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"Why?"
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"Because Kimmy has a second date."
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"Yay."
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"Sorry about that."
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"Well, I guess we're not all cute enough"
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"to get set up by Jacqueline."
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"Who is? What?"
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"Me is? Shut up. Hello?"
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"Hello, hello?"
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"Why are you so weird?"
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"Why am I rubber and you're glue?"
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"You're going on another date with Grant Belden?"
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"That dude's, like, older than rocks,"
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"and he fought in some war with Germany,"
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"the guys from soccer."
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"Why would you ever go out with him?"
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"Why do you care?"
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"Step off, Xan."
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"Step off?"
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"Every time you open your mouth, I get one step closer"
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"to figuring out what your deal is."
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"And then this is all over."
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"Sometimes the Reverend would tie our hair together."
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"He called it a braidipede."
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"Once, I surrendered to what turned out to be a statue."
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"Do you think going through something like that"
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"a war or whatever makes you a better person?"
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"Or deep down, does it just make you bitter and angry?"
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"No! Rexy, put it down!"
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"Drop it!"
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"I choked my roommate in my sleep this morning."
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"And I didn't tell him this, but the other day,"
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"I woke up in the shower, cleaning a knife."
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"What had I done with it?"
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"Do I ever get to be normal again?"
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"This soup is freezing!"
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"I don't think this is working."
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"What the living hell is this?"
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"It's not enough just to say things out loud."
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"I need someone I can talk with."
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"You may as well be that old volleyball I drew a face on."
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"Wilson, from Cast Away?"
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"More nonsense."
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"Look, you're a very nice man, but you're not gonna be"
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"the person I can talk to about the bunker."
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"The bunker?"
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"How do you know about that?"
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"No. No, no. Different bunker."
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"I swore I'd take that secret to my grave,"
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"and I did!"
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"But then I clawed my way out, and I still kept it."
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"Oh, who are you?"
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"Mr. Belden, I'm Kimmy Schmidt."
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"Schmidt!"
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"- You're a German spy. - No."
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"I know a Kraut posing as a French prostitute"
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"when I see one."
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"Prostitute? French?"
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"I'm an American."
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"Oh, all right, American."
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"What was the batting order of the 1938 Yankees?"
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"Oh, who would know that?"
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"Not you, you hooker! Aah!"
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"Wha... Oh! God!"
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"Batting fourth, Joe DiMaggio,"
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"fifth, the Iron Horse, Lou Gehrig,"
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"Bill Dickey, Joe Gordon."
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"- Mm, Mrs. Voorhees? - Hi."
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"Thank you. I am."
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"Just getting a run in 'cause I only worked out twice today."
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"Wait. Where's Grant?"
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"Don't talk to her, Mrs. Roosevelt!"
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"She's a spy!"
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"He thinks he's in the war."
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"I'm trying to lure him back home, so he'll be safe."
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"I though this might happen."
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"At the Met Ball last year,"
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"he punched Blake Lively because she said gesundheit."
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"Grenade!"
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"- Maybe I can help. - Ow."
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"I did pick up some German during my stewardess days."
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"_"
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"_"
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"Well, that's not Eleanor Roosevelt."
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"It's a spy with the same sweet caboose."
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"Aah!"
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"That was humiliating!"
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"And I wish I knew what heu-geen-babo means."
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"_"
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"Man, you really don't want to pay me, do you?"
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"Lillian, I told you, I'm broke!"
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"Liar. I saw you yesterday."
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"I was doing my exercises, and as you know,"
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"my floor suffered some water damage."
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"Son of a..."
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"Gay Judas!"
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"I can't believe you!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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