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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes on a Date! (S01E01)

"I had such a lovely time at the King's ball."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Thank you for unfrogging me."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Excuse me while I slip into something"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"more comfy-wumfy."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Mm."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"No. No. No! No!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I have to get out of here! He's waiting for me!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Why won't you open?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"'Cause I'm not made that way!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What am I doing?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You tell me."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"This isn't the Chinatown bus."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"You can't just choke someone who's sleeping."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Titus, I'm so sorry."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Why is your neck so greasy?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I fell asleep eating a Hot Pocket."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Kimmy Schmidt, you are clearly repressing some stuff,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and it is very unhealthy... for Titus!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- You need to talk to somebody. - Absolutely not."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"What if you take a lover and you murder him in his sleep?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Who are they gonna pin that on"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Rainbow Brite or gay Tiki Barber?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm not taking a lover. That's gross."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And I'm not ready."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I can't even do a dream date right."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Probably because you're bottling up the past!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"The past is not a root beer, Kimmy Schmidt."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I don't care."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I spent 15 years in that bunker eating beans"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"out of a Florida Marlins cap."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- The Marlins, Titus! - Ooh."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"There, that noise, the way you're looking at me,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"like I'm a freak!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Step right up and see the Mole Woman."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"She made a pet cat out of dryer lint"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and a Gerschner's bag."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Ooh."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's not my fault."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"People love hearing terrible details of news tragedies."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"One, it's titillating like a horror movie."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Two, it makes them feel like a good person"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"because they care about a stranger."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Three, it makes people feel safe that it did not happen to them."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- Ugh. - This affects me too, you know!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I need my beauty sleep."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm having my head shots taken today"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"because my old ones are starting to feel a little dated."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, yeah."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"This time, I'm gonna keep it simple"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"a suit, a tie,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"maybe hold a microphone so they know I can sing."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And that you can hold things."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And thanks to you, I finally have the money to do this right."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- Oh, word up! - Nope."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Write it down."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I just have to spend this money"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"before Lillian knows I have it."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Why? We paid the rent."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, it's always something with that woman"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"the rent, the electric bill, the floor that got ruined"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"when I fell asleep in her bathtub."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"How was I supposed to turn the faucet off?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I was asleep!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But if she knows I have any money"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Morning, you two."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Hope I'm not interrupting anything."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Wink."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"So anybody want coffee? I'm off to an AA meeting."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- No, thank you. - We're broke!"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, yeah? Huh."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I'm going back to bed."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Just promise me you will try to find someone to talk to."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Unbreakable ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ They alive, damn it ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ It's a miracle ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Unbreakable ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ They alive, damn it ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ But females are strong as hell ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Unbreakable ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ They alive, damn it ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ It's a miracle ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Unbreakable ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ They alive, damn it ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"That's gonna be, uh..."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"you know, a fascinating transition."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"♪ Damn it ♪"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oh, uh, Mrs. Voorhees."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Buckley just remembered"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"that his family-tree project is due today."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Now, I found a bunch of stuff online about the Voorhees side."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- We owned people. - We still do, honey."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But we weren't sure about your family."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Who, the Whites? They're normal."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"This is your homework, Charles, not mine."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"No, I'm sorry. It's Buckley's homework."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But can you at least tell me where your family's from?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Why can't my own parents understand?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I just want to be somebody,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"like the women on my fashion magazines."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Why can't our fashion magazines be enough for you?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Jackie Lynn,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"we didn't say anything when you died your hair"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"and when you got blue contact lenses"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"or even when you started saying things like"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"neato and tennis."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's how white people talk, Mom."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Oy, gevalt."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- But Manhattan? - I'm sorry."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But I don't want to live my whole life"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"in Bear Creek, South Dakota."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"It's 1992."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"And nothing has changed in this country."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"If you want to get anywhere, you need to be blonde and white."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"But you're an Indian, Jackie Lynn."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"God, Dad, saying Indian is offensive now."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Then what do you call sitting on the floor"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"with your legs crossed?"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"Crisscross applesauce."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"- We invented sitting like that. - Oh, that's insane."
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
"I know you don't approve of what I'm doing,"
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
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