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Clips from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes on a Date! (S01E01)

but you'll change your tune when I'm married

"but you'll change your tune when I'm married"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to 1992's sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte.

"to 1992's sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Goodbye.

"Goodbye."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Or as white people say, Later days... buddy.

"Or as white people say, Later days... buddy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Later days...

"Later days..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

bud...

"bud..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

dy.

"dy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why does it matter where I'm from?

"Why does it matter where I'm from?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

It's where I'm going that counts.

"It's where I'm going that counts."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Put that down.

"Put that down."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Mrs. Voorhees, I'm worried about Abattoir.

"Mrs. Voorhees, I'm worried about Abattoir."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I walk him twice a day, and he never goes to the bathroom.

"I walk him twice a day, and he never goes to the bathroom."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, they bred that out.

"Oh, they bred that out."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Someone's anus is purely decorative.

"Someone's anus is purely decorative."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, yes, yes.

"Yes, yes, yes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hey. How's it going?

"Hey. How's it going?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, I'm failing third grade.

"Well, I'm failing third grade."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

At least you're the biggest kid in your class.

"At least you're the biggest kid in your class."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, Kimmy. I don't think I have your cell number.

"Oh, Kimmy. I don't think I have your cell number."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I wanted to call you last night because Buckley needed something

"I wanted to call you last night because Buckley needed something"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I had already taken my makeup off.

"and I had already taken my makeup off."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Um, I don't actually have a cell phone.

"Um, I don't actually have a cell phone."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

You don't have a cell phone?

"You don't have a cell phone?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, I had a cell phone, Xan,

"Well, I had a cell phone, Xan,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

obvs, but I lost it at the zoo.

"obvs, but I lost it at the zoo."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

A monkey took it, and she wouldn't give it back.

"A monkey took it, and she wouldn't give it back."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah, Xan, the monkey was a woman.

"Yeah, Xan, the monkey was a woman."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Women can be anything these days.

"Women can be anything these days."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Here, you can take one of my old cell phones.

"Here, you can take one of my old cell phones."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Go to Verizon and have them switch out the SIM card

"Go to Verizon and have them switch out the SIM card"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and then get my contacts off the cloud.

"and then get my contacts off the cloud."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Horizon... got it.

"Horizon... got it."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Wow. Is this a Macintosh?

"Wow. Is this a Macintosh?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What?

"What?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hey, I have a fun idea.

"Hey, I have a fun idea."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Let's do Kimmy's family tree.

"Let's do Kimmy's family tree."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

We don't know anything about her.

"We don't know anything about her."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Um, I don't really like talking about myself.

"Um, I don't really like talking about myself."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, but can you?

"Oh, but can you?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

'Cause I actually don't even know your last name.

"'Cause I actually don't even know your last name."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Smith.

"Smith."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Of course it is.

"Of course it is."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And you're from?

"And you're from?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Ohio.

"Ohio."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No way! Where?

"No way! Where?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

My mom's from Shaker Heights.

"My mom's from Shaker Heights."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

The middle?

"The middle?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Middle... town.

"Middle... town."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Damn it. There's a Middletown, Ohio.

"Damn it. There's a Middletown, Ohio."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Of course there is, Xan.

"Of course there is, Xan."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And phones have maps of Ohio,

"And phones have maps of Ohio,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and I knew both of those things before now.

"and I knew both of those things before now."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Hey.

"Hey."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Why are you so dressed up?

"Why are you so dressed up?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

In this neighborhood, dressed like that,

"In this neighborhood, dressed like that,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

someone might think you got money.

"someone might think you got money."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not so sure I appreciate your tone, Lillian.

"I'm not so sure I appreciate your tone, Lillian."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

If this is about my mishap in the bath

"If this is about my mishap in the bath"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Titus. My floor is warped.

"Titus. My floor is warped."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

All of my cats are piling up in one corner.

"All of my cats are piling up in one corner."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And if I had any money, I would give it to you,

"And if I had any money, I would give it to you,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

but I'm unemployed.

"but I'm unemployed."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And Kimmy's backpack got stolen,

"And Kimmy's backpack got stolen,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

and that gold tooth I tried to pawn

"and that gold tooth I tried to pawn"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

turned out to be just a very yellow tooth.

"turned out to be just a very yellow tooth."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Right. So you're broke.

"Right. So you're broke."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But you're walking around dressed up

"But you're walking around dressed up"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

like a USC cornerback on draft day.

"like a USC cornerback on draft day."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

For your information, the reason I put this suit on

"For your information, the reason I put this suit on"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

is because I'm going...

"is because I'm going..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

to a funeral.

"to a funeral."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm so sorry. Oh, it was someone close.

"I'm so sorry. Oh, it was someone close."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Uh...

"Uh..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, you poor thing.

"Oh, you poor thing."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's it. I'm going with you.

"That's it. I'm going with you."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Siri?

"Siri?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What can I help you with?

"What can I help you with?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm a Mole Woman.

"I'm a Mole Woman."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

That's messed up.

"That's messed up."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, I'm off to see Joyce, my therapist.

"Well, I'm off to see Joyce, my therapist."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- Oh, like a mental therapist? - Mm-hmm.

"- Oh, like a mental therapist? - Mm-hmm."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Does it feel good to talk to her?

"Does it feel good to talk to her?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, although for my taste, it's a little too much penis.

"Yes, although for my taste, it's a little too much penis."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, sorry. Freud.

"Oh, sorry. Freud."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

- And it's $500 an hour. - Oh.

"- And it's $500 an hour. - Oh."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yeah, I-I just wish I had someone to talk to for free.

"Yeah, I-I just wish I had someone to talk to for free."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, well, of course you're looking for someone to talk to.

"Oh, well, of course you're looking for someone to talk to."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was just like you once.

"I was just like you once."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Yes, you're shorter and have a much heavier step,

"Yes, you're shorter and have a much heavier step,"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

like a tired, old man.

"like a tired, old man."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

But I remember what it's like being all alone in New York.

"But I remember what it's like being all alone in New York."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

So what's your plan?

"So what's your plan?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I mean, you have maybe four years

"I mean, you have maybe four years"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

of that youthful glow left.

"of that youthful glow left."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

After that, you'll be stuck marrying

"After that, you'll be stuck marrying"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

a primary care physician

"a primary care physician"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

"or one of those off-brand Kennedys."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I'm not looking to get married.

"I'm not looking to get married."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

No, not right now, but the clock is ticking, Kimmy.

"No, not right now, but the clock is ticking, Kimmy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

And I do happen to know

"And I do happen to know"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

all the richest bachelors in Manhattan.

"all the richest bachelors in Manhattan."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Whom could you have lunch with today?

"Whom could you have lunch with today?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Today? Like, for a date?

"Today? Like, for a date?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Grant Belden.

"Grant Belden."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He's very available and fabulously wealthy.

"He's very available and fabulously wealthy."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

He doesn't even work. He could do lunch.

"He doesn't even work. He could do lunch."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Um, I'm not sure I'm ready for a date date.

"Um, I'm not sure I'm ready for a date date."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, true. You look like you slept in those clothes.

"Oh, true. You look like you slept in those clothes."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Well, go spruce up and meet him at Bistro Madison.

"Well, go spruce up and meet him at Bistro Madison."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Just relax and be yourself.

"Just relax and be yourself."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Also, I've seen you eat, so don't.

"Also, I've seen you eat, so don't."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Oh, yay!

"Oh, yay!"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I didn't know you had an elderly Korean friend.

"I didn't know you had an elderly Korean friend."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Speaking of which, I think that Kim Jong Jr.

"Speaking of which, I think that Kim Jong Jr."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

is doing a bang-up job.

"is doing a bang-up job."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

What is that?

"What is that?"

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

I was asked to sing here...

"I was asked to sing here..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

at the funeral...

"at the funeral..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

of my dear friend...

"of my dear friend..."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Son Hae Sop.

"Son Hae Sop."

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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