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Clips from Lucifer - It Never Ends Well for the Chicken (S05E05)

"Oh!"
Lucifer
"Absolutely not. [chuckles]"
Lucifer
"It would take a literal miracle for me to want something like that,"
Lucifer
"and I'm fairly certain my father's not handing those out anymore."
Lucifer
"Why?"
Lucifer
"Just wondering."
Lucifer
"-[audience chuckling] -Take my wife. Please!"
Lucifer
"[audience laughing, applauding]"
Lucifer
"Abe Gantz, the funniest man in Manhattan!"
Lucifer
"[audience cheers]"
Lucifer
"By special request,"
Lucifer
"I'm going to sing a song that's been a favorite of mine for a while."
Lucifer
"Ah!"
Lucifer
"Truth is, I'm..."
Lucifer
"Just one dollar."
Lucifer
"...not sure I ever really understood what it meant until just now."
Lucifer
"[chuckles] Oh!"
Lucifer
"-Sorry about that, folks. -[audience laughs]"
Lucifer
"Had this old thing for forever, and it always gets in the way."
Lucifer
"How about a little costume change before we get started?"
Lucifer
"Be a doll and put this in my safe, will you?"
Lucifer
"[singing "Someone to Watch Over Me"]"
Lucifer
"♪ There's a saying old Says that love is blind ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Still we're often told "Seek and ye shall find" ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ So I'm going to seek a certain lad ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ I've had in mind ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Looking everywhere Haven't found him yet ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ He's the big affair I cannot forget ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Only lad I ever think of with regret ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ I'd like to add his initial ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ To my monogram ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Tell me where is the shepherd ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ For this lost lamb? ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ There's a somebody I'm longin' to see ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ I hope that he ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Turns out to be ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Someone who'll watch ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Over me ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ I'm a little lamb  Who's lost in the wood ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ I know I could always be good ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ To one who'll watch ♪"
Lucifer
"♪ Over me ♪"
Lucifer
"[audience applauds, cheers]"
Lucifer
"[Lilith] Lucifer Morningstar!"
Lucifer
"Jack!"
Lucifer
"Thank God you're okay."
Lucifer
"There's a man in Lily's dressing room."
Lucifer
"I made sure he saw me put the bracelet in the safe, just like you said."
Lucifer
"Go, before he gets away!"
Lucifer
"You're an angel, Shirl."
Lucifer
"-Go. -Okay."
Lucifer
"Hands in the air."
Lucifer
"Back up."
Lucifer
"Back up slowly."
Lucifer
"Turn around."
Lucifer
"You killed Tommy Stompanato?"
Lucifer
"And I took the ring."
Lucifer
"And I performed the ceremony of Anubis to unlock its ancient power."
Lucifer
"And now..."
Lucifer
"I..."
Lucifer
"am..."
Lucifer
"immortal!"
Lucifer
"Well, the wackadoo that killed Tommy Stompanato."
Lucifer
"Willy? I didn't think you had it in you."
Lucifer
"Larry should have never sold Stompanato that ring."
Lucifer
"Neither of them even knew what they had."
Lucifer
"[Jack gasps]"
Lucifer
"I knew all about the ring."
Lucifer
"I'm the one who hired Lucky Larry to steal it."
Lucifer
"Now put the gun down and hand it over."
Lucifer
"Gertie."
Lucifer
"How could you?"
Lucifer
"Because it was my plan."
Lucifer
"I tracked down the ring."
Lucifer
"I told Lucky Larry how and when to steal it."
Lucifer
"I even told him he could have everything in the safe if he just gave me the ring."
Lucifer
"And what'd he do?"
Lucifer
"Sold it to some lovesick wiseguy who wound up killing him."
Lucifer
"[Trixie] Time out!"
Lucifer
"So both Gertie and Willy learned about the ring"
Lucifer
"from Melvin the Magnificent?"
Lucifer
"Correct. Mm."
Lucifer
"Gertie hired Lucky Larry to steal the ring,"
Lucifer
"but instead he betrayed her and sold it to Stompanato for a higher price."
Lucifer
"But then Stompanato killed Larry out of revenge"
Lucifer
"for stealing his girl's ring in the first place?"
Lucifer
"Indeed. But..."
Lucifer
"unfortunately for Stompanato,"
Lucifer
"Willy the Sausage Prince also wanted the ring,"
Lucifer
"and rips the mobster's heart out"
Lucifer
"in an all-too-real version of Melvin the Magnificent's fake cult ceremony"
Lucifer
"in order to make it work."
Lucifer
"Huh?"
Lucifer
"Forget it, Trix. It's Chinatown."
Lucifer
"It's what?"
Lucifer
"Never mind. Would you like to hear the rest of the story or not?"
Lucifer
"Now, I don't want to hurt anyone."
Lucifer
"But I need to save Bill."
Lucifer
"Jewelry isn't going to save your husband, Gertie."
Lucifer
"You're lying!"
Lucifer
"You're lying."
Lucifer
"I saw you that night in the alley."
Lucifer
"You got caught in the crossfire"
Lucifer
"between the Stompanato Boys and the Brooklyn Bridge Gang."
Lucifer
"You got shot half a dozen times and walked away."
Lucifer
"[Lilith] I see."
Lucifer
"But that had nothing to do with a magic ring."
Lucifer
"-[Willy sighs]  -There's no such thing."
Lucifer
"That can't be true."
Lucifer
"Let's just settle this rigamarole once and for all, shall we?"
Lucifer
"[Gertie] What?"
Lucifer
"[Willy screams]"
Lucifer
"You shot me!"
Lucifer
"Yes, I did."
Lucifer
"[Willy] I'm bleeding out."
Lucifer
"Bleeding out."
Lucifer
"Well, that's a lot of bellyaching for a guy who loves war."
Lucifer
"[Willy gasping, whimpering]"
Lucifer
"It's not real."
Lucifer
"I can't save him."
Lucifer
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