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Clips from Archer - The Handoff (S07E07)

"Well, what do you think?"
Archer
"I think that in my next life"
Archer
"I'm gonna come back as a movie star."
Archer
"Yeah, look out, gay porn."
Archer
"Rimshot. Yeah, that could be your name."
Archer
"So what, some movie star lives here?"
Archer
"Veronica Deane. Can you believe it?"
Archer
"No shit. You like her?"
Archer
"What, as an actress or for this homicide?"
Archer
"Both. Well, it's been a while"
Archer
"since I've seen her in anything, but man,"
Archer
"she was incredible in Shanghai Moon."
Archer
"Oh, my God, that dress. Oh, bejeezles, right?"
Archer
"But as for Tennessee Tuxedo here, I want to talk to her."
Archer
"See if she knows who tried to weight him down--"
Archer
"with an ounce of lead."
Archer
"Found it on the ground over there by the table."
Archer
"Is it hers? Hard to tell with no serial number."
Archer
"Probably why they put 'em on there. Rimshot."
Archer
"You should ask Veronica Deane"
Archer
"if her agent reps gay porn stars."
Archer
"And maybe if she murdered this guy."
Archer
"You got a real knack for this. Thanks."
Archer
"But the household staff says she hasn't been home since yesterday."
Archer
"And him? They say that as of midnight"
Archer
"the pool did not contain a dead waiter."
Archer
"Okay, so..."
Archer
"let's get some unis on the gates,"
Archer
"front, backside, whatever. Nobody in or out."
Archer
"And while we wait for the M.E.,"
Archer
"we'll go talk to the staff, maybe jog somebody's memory."
Archer
"Rim Schott. How was that funny?"
Archer
"No, as my gay porn name."
Archer
"You know--"
Archer
"Rim Schott."
Archer
"Right?"
Archer
"It's not that bad."
Archer
"No, on the contrary, it's wonderful."
Archer
"If you enjoy starving to death."
Archer
"Oh, please, Mother."
Archer
"The only thing you eat is cocktail onions."
Archer
"I simply cannot believe"
Archer
"I let you talk me into this boondoggle!"
Archer
"Not just me. Lana?"
Archer
"Okay, me too. A little."
Archer
"But only because the CIA blacklisted us."
Archer
"Plus now with A.J."
Archer
"I thought it would be safer than being a spy."
Archer
"It's safer than being a librarian!"
Archer
"Three months and not a single client."
Archer
"Oh, for-- Mother, when the word gets out that Sterling Archer,"
Archer
"the world's greatest former secret agent,"
Archer
"has his own frickin' detective agency--"
Archer
"Which technically, you do not."
Archer
"Because California is assholes."
Archer
"What have I been saying? Something about bears."
Archer
"Because what other explanation could there possibly be"
Archer
"for California deciding that a stupid law degree--"
Archer
"And a B.A. in Criminal Justice."
Archer
"Shut up. Somehow qualifies an otherwise total idiot"
Archer
"for a private investigator's license, but an entire career"
Archer
"as a secret agent does not. Well, you're lucky they did,"
Archer
"or you, or Ray, or you, Lana,"
Archer
"couldn't work as an investigator under my license."
Archer
"And I'm sure that's the last time we'll hear anything about that. Not."
Archer
"And you can be sure that the minute..."
Archer
"Wait, the second I qualify for my P.I. license,"
Archer
"this is the Archer Agency."
Archer
"Fair enough. So let's circle back"
Archer
"when you have 2,000 hours of investigative work"
Archer
"certified by your licensed employer, who is me."
Archer
"Cyril-- And... go!"
Archer
"2,000 hours?"
Archer
"At this rate-- Mother, we will get clients."
Archer
"All we need is one high-profile case."
Archer
"And some kick-ass advertising."
Archer
"Give me that."
Archer
"Pam, if a single one of these has left this building,"
Archer
"I will personally sew you into a canvas bag"
Archer
"full of rats and throw that bag into the river."
Archer
"I gotta go get my car smogged!"
Archer
"What river? It's a concrete slab."
Archer
"The headline there was a bag of rats."
Archer
"Here's a headline. Malory Archer bankrupt."
Archer
"Feckless Son to Blame. Look--"
Archer
"And even if we get a case,"
Archer
"what, some cheating husband, fake whiplash?"
Archer
"The whole thing is just so...grubby!"
Archer
"- Grubby? Grubby?! - Excuse me."
Archer
"When we were spies, you murdered the Prime Minister of Italy."
Archer
"Prove it. I can't!"
Archer
"Uh, excuse me? Because Krieger chopped him up,"
Archer
"and then we stuffed him in trash cans"
Archer
"all over four different boroughs."
Archer
"Well, then. Wait. Four?"
Archer
"I'm not schlepping to Staten Island"
Archer
"in the middle of the goddamn night."
Archer
"Hey!"
Archer
"Jesus, lady, earballs!"
Archer
"Is this the Figgis Agency?"
Archer
"Well, we're not married to that, but--"
Archer
"Yes, we are."
Archer
"And yes, it is."
Archer
"Hello, Cyril Figgis. Owner, CEO,"
Archer
"and fully licensed private investigator."
Archer
"Veronica Deane."
Archer
"The movie star?!"
Archer
"Ugh. May we talk somewhere...else?"
Archer
"Blackmail. I'm afraid so."
Archer
"You see, my home was burgled recently,"
Archer
"and in addition to cash and some jewelry,"
Archer
"they stole a computer disk with, I suppose"
Archer
"you might call it, sensitive information?"
Archer
"It's nine o'clock in the morning."
Archer
"I'm still on Eastern time."
Archer
"Archer. It's lunchtime there."
Archer
"Yesterday, a lawyer named Alan Shapiro contacted me."
Archer
"He said he was in possession of the disk"
Archer
"and wished to arrange its return."
Archer
"For a fee."
Archer
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