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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Phase One, Complete (S01E01)

"Maybe I shouldn't be laying this on you, because you're 10."
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"But I'm beginning to realize"
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"You see, the problem isn't with who I go out with."
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"The problem is with me."
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"Your Uncle Charlie has major trust issues with women."
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"I understand."
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"Do you?"
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"No, I'm just tired and I don't care anymore."
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"So, we're cool?"
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"- Yeah. - Good."
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"Does this mean you don't have nuts like a fox?"
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"Don't look at my tiles, Alan."
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"Scrabble eyes, my sweet patootie. He's a tile peeker."
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"Rose, listen. I think I owe you an apology."
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"and then dumping me like a bag of old doorknobs?"
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"That, and more recently..."
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"I told Alan that you were being nice to him just to get close to me."
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"trying to manipulate me. And I'm sorry that I projected that on you."
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"Come here, you big silly."
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"Okay. I gotta go. Your brother is out of control with that egg timer."
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"You think maybe I could play with you guys?"
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"It's fine with me. Go ask Mr. That's-not-a-word."
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"Phase 1, complete."
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"In my house!"
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"Positive. Alan would just re-wash them anyways."
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"I gotta tell you, Charlie. I think that girl's a keeper."
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"- You think so? - Yeah, she's smart,"
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"I'm telling you, she's got her foot in the door and she will never leave."
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"Of course."
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"How so?"
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"We're both like two lonely socks that want desperately to keep someone's feet warm."
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"First she sucks in Jake, then you, now Mom."
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"And remember what I said. Hook him on the milk, he'll buy the cow."
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"Go put on some pants, Charlie."
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"I get enough of that crap from my mother."
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"So what's it gonna take? Cash? Video games?"
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"Sit down."
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"That's it? All this time for "hat"?"
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"- Alan, you are so naive! - "Naive," eight points."
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"I'll be right there."
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"Are you sure that you don't want me to stay and do the dishes?"
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"I did not marry the first girl who slipped me the tongue."
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"You do know there's a stairway right over there?"
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"Look, I'm sorry about the Wendy thing, but there's nothing I can do about it."
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"It's really nice outside. Why don't you wash my car?"
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"- Uncle Charlie? - Yeah."
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"Wendy?"
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"H- A-T."
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"First, Wendy took Jake Rollerblading. Then she took him to the movies."
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"is two lonely people playing a game of Scrabble."
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"Dave, this is Charlie. Charlie, Dave."
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"No, thank you. I should really get going."
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"Come on, Wendy. We both know that..."
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"Okay, I'm out of here."
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"What kind of lesson is that?"
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"and then we started talking, and, you know."
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"Don't you worry, Charlie, I'm leaving."
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"Thanks."
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"Here? In my supermarket?"
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"Great."
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"It's a good quality. So, who's Janet?"
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"Yeah. Swell."
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"Did you see that?"
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"Do you know what that means?"
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"Wow, he's such a sweetie. Don't you just want to eat him up?"
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"this woman has a plan."
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"Howdy, neighbor."
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"All right, you had sex last night. You don't have to turn into Mr. Bojangles."
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"So what brings you here, Mom?"
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"I can get out."
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"One Russian blonde."
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"Come here."
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"And sometimes a curse."
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"Yeah, it's a mind blower, isn't it?"
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"Look, Charlie, I know I probably should've given you a call,"
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"That's what it means."
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"Thank you."
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"Hi, Jake. You sing really well."
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"- Really? - If it's okay with your father."
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"No, I wanna go Rollerblading."
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"- No. - Trust me,"
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"Are you seeing this?"
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"I used to play with my wife every night, and I guess I miss it."
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"Freedom!"
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"She's like one of those pods from outer space."
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"Right on."
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"And I want us to be buddies again. I don't want you to hate me anymore."
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"What?"
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"One Scottish brunette."
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"She's wearing an apron."
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