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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Phase One, Complete (S01E01)

"- Jake, I'm not alone in here. - No way."
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"Oh, yeah."
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"Is it Janet?"
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"- I like that you didn't lie to him. - I try to be honest."
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"No, you've got work to do. I should probably get going."
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"When he moved in here, he was saying "swell. ""
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"Will you take me Rollerblading, Uncle Charlie?"
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"- I can't, buddy. I got work to do. - What am I gonna do all day?"
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"And if you want, I can go pick up lunch and bring it back and we can have a picnic."
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"Nice girl. Is it serious?"
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"Finish your jingle?"
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"Now she's in the kitchen, making us all dinner."
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"- Thank you. - You're paranoid and you're nuts."
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"Perfect timing. Dinner's ready."
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"I'm gonna stick with paranoid and nuts, Bob."
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"- I guess I should probably get going. - Yeah, I guess."
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"Good, you're still here. Jake wants to say good night."
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"If that would stop him, yes."
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"she's pretty, and I think she really likes you."
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"Be honest, Alan. You married the first girl"
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"And it's diabolical in its Machiavellian scope."
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"Diabolical!"
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"- Okay. So, I'll give you a call? - Yeah. That'd be great. Okay."
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"Charlie's busy right now, Rose."
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"I know. White Toyota hasn't budged an inch two nights in a row."
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"or a hand puppet."
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"That's very insightful."
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"You're not thinking you and me, are you?"
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"That's very flattering, but..."
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"It's better than that. I had sex and I woke up alone."
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"Let's see that little dance again."
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"The sonogram showed no discernible penis whatsoever."
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"She wouldn't even be here now if you hadn't taken her upstairs last night."
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"That was not my fault. You saw how she kissed me."
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"Charlie, where have you been hiding this girl?"
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"She's an absolute delight!"
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"Yeah, she's swell."
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"- Good morning, Charlie. - Good morning."
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"- Do I need a reason? - I'd like one."
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"and take my grandson out for pancakes."
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"Charlie wants his on his night table."
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"Gee, Mom, I think Wendy has stuff to do. Right, Wendy?"
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"- But, Mom, I... - Now."
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"No, it's mine."
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"Jake, get your stuff together, we gotta get you back to your mom's."
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"Already? But we're playing."
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"Yeah, I gotta get going, too, Jake."
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"If you leave now, I think you'll miss all the weekend traffic."
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"I'm not worried. I just moved your car so Alan can get out."
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"Thank you for a great weekend."
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"- Alan, I'll see you soon. - Bye."
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"I'm just saying, I think she's really great."
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"Why not?"
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"Buddy, she wants something different in a relationship"
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"And we both can't have me."
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"Uncle Charlie is nuts."
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"Boy, you suck."
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"Shaking Jake! Notorious J-A-K-E!"
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"Jake, he won't stop until you say hello."
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"Jakety-Jake-Jake!"
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"Charlie, it's only been a week."
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"Not much of a jamboree for you, was it?"
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"Now will you please make your son like me again?"
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"Okay."
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"I'm just very disappointed in you."
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"Jake, buddy. Come here."
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"Let me see your tiles."
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"Wow, how did you see that?"
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"I have Scrabble eyes. It's a gift."
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"- Hi, Charlie. - Hi, Rose."
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""rampant," 11 points, "egotism," 10,"
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"Let's see."
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"- Everything okay? - Yeah, everything's fine."
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"Okay."
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"- Who's that? Your brother? - No, he's..."
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"I mean, he's a great kid, but who's got the energy?"
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"- So, no hard feelings? - No, of course not."
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"Goodbye, Charlie."
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"But you and me, we're family."
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"That's solid. That's forever. You with me?"
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"I might not be the guy I thought everybody thought I was."
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"And I think it might have something to do with my relationship with my mom."
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"- Good night. - Good night."
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"Yeah."
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"You mean for seducing me with your roguish charms"
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"And I've come to realize that's my own paranoia about women"
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"- I forgive you. - Really?"
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"And again, I'm sorry."
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"- Charlie. - Come on."
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"That tickles!"
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"- Uncle Charlie? - Not now, Jake."
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"I just heard the Fudge Nuggets song you wrote on TV."
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"Great."
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"Way."
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"- Who's in there? - A friend of mine."
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"- Is it a girl? - Hold on."
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"No."
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"It's my friend Wendy. Say hi to Jake, Wendy."
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"I have to go. This is embarrassing."
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"You want a cup of coffee before you go?"
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"Charlie, there's French toast left."
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"No, thanks. You met Wendy, right?"
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"Sure. French toast, Wendy?"
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"You know, I can sing all of Uncle Charlie's jingles."
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"No kidding? You're gonna have to show me sometime."
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"- That's wonderful. - Wendy's gotta go, Jake."
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"Jake! Take five, buddy."
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"Copasetic. That means okay."
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"Charlie, I've gotta go to my office for a couple of hours."
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"- Are you okay to watch Jake? - No problem."
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"Swell."
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"I could take him. I've got my blades right in the car."
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"- That sounds swell. - I'll go get my blades."
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"It is now, you dumb-ass."
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"How can I work?"
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"That bitch."
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"Don't you get it?"
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"She's using your kid to turn a nice, casual relationship"
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"into a relationship."
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"Okay, now I get where you're coming from."
Two and a Half Men
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