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Clips from Two and a Half Men - Phase One, Complete (S01E01)

"who slipped you the tongue, didn't you?"
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"It's pretty dark out."
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"Maybe you should go in the morning."
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"Yeah, I guess I could."
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"I chalked her tires."
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"Did you know there's a crawl space under the house"
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"that comes right up into your bedroom?"
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"- So, what are you doing? - I'm playing computer Scrabble."
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"All by yourself? That's so sad."
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"You and I have a lot in common, don't we?"
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"But we don't match up with any other socks."
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"So all we can hope for is to be a dust mitten,"
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"And disturbing."
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""Dear Charlie, thanks for a wonderful night."
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""Sweet. Special. See you soon. ""
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"I'm free, I'm so free"
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"If there were pancakes on my night table, it would be the perfect morning."
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"What happened to Wendy's diabolical, Machiavellian scheme to never leave?"
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"I don't know. I must have foiled it somehow."
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"Guess what? Grandma's here!"
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"When I was pregnant with Charlie, we thought he was gonna be a girl."
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"Now do you believe me?"
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"But, you know, with a cute ass."
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"I had to take her upstairs."
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"I read somewhere you had left."
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"I was on my way out the door, and then I ran into your mom,"
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"Yeah, I know."
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"I'm showing a house in Malibu. I thought I'd swing by"
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"I'm ready. You coming, Dad?"
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"Are you kidding? I want to hear more about that sonogram."
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"Good. Are you and Wendy joining us, Charlie?"
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"I can always make time for pancakes."
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"Wonderful. A family breakfast."
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"You have to be firm with him."
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"By the way, your nose is adorable."
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"- Thank you. - I'm guessing Dr. Shapiro?"
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"Sometimes God does good work, too."
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"Okay. I pulled your car around."
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"Yes, Alan. Now you can."
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"No, thank you."
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"- Jake, bye. - Bye."
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"I gotta tell you, Charlie, I think she's really..."
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"Okay. What?"
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"Me, too. When's she coming back?"
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"Let's see. Today's Sunday, so... Never."
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"than your uncle Charlie does."
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"- What does she want? - Uncle Charlie."
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"- What do you want? - Uncle Charlie."
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"- I don't understand. - It's very simple, buddy."
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"Yeah, nuts like a fox."
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"So then Wendy can't take me Rollerblading anymore?"
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"- Nope. - No more movies?"
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"Afraid not."
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"Suck? How do I suck?"
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"Like a fox."
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"There he is! Let the party begin!"
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"Hello."
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"How was school this week? We missed you around here."
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"- It was just school. - Yeah, I heard that. "Just school. ""
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"I don't believe it. He's still mad about the Wendy thing."
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"I'm still mad that you peed in my Boy Scout canteen in 1978."
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"Okay, I'm sorry about the canteen."
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"How would I do that, Charlie? And by the way, was that so hard?"
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"Explain to him that Wendy was working an angle,"
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"making friends with him to get to me."
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"Do you really want me to tell a 10-year-old boy"
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"that somebody he cares about was pretending to like him?"
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"He lives in LA. He might as well learn now."
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"Just give him some time. He'll get over it."
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"- Can I come in? - It's your house."
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"- Well, it's your house, too. - Then, no."
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"You know what? It is my house."
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"- I don't hate you. - Good."
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"I don't want stuff."
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"I got plenty of stuff when my mom and dad broke up."
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"Dude, this isn't the same thing."
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"What's the difference? You liked Wendy, then you didn't like her,"
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"and no one cares what I want."
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"It's not that I don't care what you want."
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"It's just that you're a kid. And what you want doesn't matter."
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"Wow, I do suck."
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"Hat."
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"See. You had "hateful. ""
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"See, it would have fit right here, off the "A" in my "quotidian. ""
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"Alan, Jake won't play with me."
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"Well, I can't play with you either, Charlie. I am "occupied. ""
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"You played "pie" at your own peril, my friend."
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"Alan, come here."
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"Your move."
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"What?"
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"- What are you doing with Rose? - I'm teaching her to play Scrabble."
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"Sorry. I'm in my game head."
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"Alan, Rose is using you to get to me."
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"Do you hear the rampant egotism,"
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"coming out of your mouth?"
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"- I'm just saying... - Not everybody is trying to get to you."
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"The only thing that's going on here"
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"Please tell me you're not thinking about you and Rose?"
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"Me and Rose?"
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"And a full-bodied redhead from Napa Valley."
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"Charlie's angels."
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"- Sorry. Oh, hi. - Hi."
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"- What are you doing here? - I'm grocery shopping."
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"So this is just a coincidence?"
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"Well, it's not entirely. I eat food, and I live two blocks away."
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"Dave, we need a Duraflame log."
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"but I thought that after last weekend, it was pretty clear,"
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"it wasn't gonna work out between you and me."
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"What?"
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"I was happy to entertain your nephew for a while."
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"And your mother, she's been calling me all week."
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"She wants to go to a spinning class with me. What is up with that?"
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"I thought you two hit it off."
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"I'm from the Midwest. I was being polite."
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"What did you think was going on?"
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"That."
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"So you and Dave, how serious is that?"
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"You know, you're breaking a little boy's heart."
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"You see, my relationships with women, they come and go."
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"I think so."
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