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Clips from Veep - Thanksgiving (S05E05)

"Good. I'm jonesing for a cup of coffee."
Veep
"I mean sell my sweet white ass on a street corner jonesing."
Veep
"Yeah, tell me about it."
Veep
"Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah."
Veep
"Also one cream, splash of half-and-half, one sugar, one Splenda."
Veep
"If that's not too much trouble."
Veep
"- Not at all. I'm... - Egan to please."
Veep
"Ben: Mr. Vice President."
Veep
"Ben, I would have you to the table, but my wife,"
Veep
"she fucking hates you as do I."
Veep
"And we had to throw the turkey in the trash."
Veep
"That's why I'm here."
Veep
"We need you to make a statement about the salmonella outbreak."
Veep
"Oh, why doesn't the president make it?"
Veep
"Her mouth is swollen from dental surgery."
Veep
"- She can't make a statement. - You're fucking kidding me."
Veep
"Why wasn't I informed? You know there's a system in place for this eventuality?"
Veep
"It falls between the 24th and 26th Amendment."
Veep
"She hasn't been sedated. She's not incapacitated."
Veep
"So there was no need to invoke the 25th."
Veep
"Well, if she's not incapacitated, you don't need me."
Veep
"She's not not incapacitated."
Veep
"She's just not fully capacitated."
Veep
"You fucking people."
Veep
"I mean, you treat the Constitution like a build-your-own-pizza menu."
Veep
"Sir, you're calm, you're confident,"
Veep
"you exude a crotchety gravitas."
Veep
"We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts."
Veep
"Doyle: So I've spoken to the president."
Veep
"She's up to date with the situation, which we think is under control."
Veep
"Yeah, Jeff?"
Veep
"How do you feel about the term Turkeypocalypse?"
Veep
"I think that's a term invented by the media."
Veep
"It's idiotic, but it scares people into watching more news, right?"
Veep
"- This is amazing. - Yeah, he's doing okay."
Veep
"No, I got an email from that surrogate we met with."
Veep
"She's on board. We're putting a baby in her."
Veep
"Jesus, Mike. I'm gonna put a baby in you"
Veep
"- if you don't get your head in the game. - Sorry."
Veep
"- Where is the president? - James, do me a favor."
Veep
"Next time you have a root canal, remind me."
Veep
"I'll come and pester you to be back at your desk in an hour."
Veep
"Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed."
Veep
"Instead he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow."
Veep
"You know, that can be the difference between a three- and a four-star hotel."
Veep
"All right, who's up first?"
Veep
"We've got Congressman Jaeger. He's from Wisconsin."
Veep
"Is he the one with the prostitute problem?"
Veep
"Mmm..."
Veep
"Oh, never mind. They all have that."
Veep
"House is like Caligula's room."
Veep
"Okay, well, you got the... that's a five."
Veep
"Yeah, I got it."
Veep
"- Hello? - Happy Thanksgiving."
Veep
"This is the president calling. Is Congressman Jaeger available?"
Veep
"- Oh, sure. Let me get him. - Thank you."
Veep
"See? President calling herself."
Veep
"That's gotta be very impressive."
Veep
"I would die."
Veep
"Jaeger: Yes, Madam President, hello."
Veep
"Selina: Congressman Jaeger, how are you?"
Veep
"Well, to be honest, the holidays are a little tough on our family."
Veep
"My wife and I are trying to work some things out."
Veep
"- Prostitutes. - Mm-hmm."
Veep
"So I'm sure that you know why I'm calling, Congressman."
Veep
"Of course. The salmonella outbreak."
Veep
"Ma'am, have you considered making a statement?"
Veep
"If I have learned one thing about crisis management,"
Veep
"it's that you've got to get out there and talk to the American people."
Veep
"If they hear it from you directly, you can get away with just about anything."
Veep
"Bordello Bill is giving me advice."
Veep
"Maybe you should declare a state of emergency."
Veep
"- Are you able to do that? - Yeah, but unfortunately, I have to run."
Veep
"I hope I can count on your support in the upcoming vote."
Veep
"Happy Thanksgiving. Bye-bye. Oh, my God."
Veep
"How many more of these do we have to do?"
Veep
"Okay, we've got Congressman Coffey."
Veep
"Coffey. Where does he stick his dick?"
Veep
"Here's the statement from Health and Human Services."
Veep
"Hey, do you guys know a luxurious but super cheap hotel?"
Veep
"Yeah, in the Philippines."
Veep
"Another 60 cases being reported"
Veep
"including New Hampshire Congressman Harry Sherman."
Veep
"Jeez, he couldn't eat a turkey unless you put it in a blender"
Veep
"and fed it to him through a straw."
Veep
"Wait, the turkeys have a hotel room, right?"
Veep
"Yes. We better go see the black-eyed pea."
Veep
"- Hello? - Big news, babe."
Veep
"Our surrogate Debralee is a go."
Veep
"Praise Jesus! Are you kidding me?"
Veep
"We got to celebrate. Afternoon quickie."
Veep
"Where? In the basement?"
Veep
"Not this time. Big Mike has a surprise."
Veep
"I got us a suite at the Willard."
Veep
"I'll text you the... no, I'll sext you the room number."
Veep
"Any news on Sherman?"
Veep
"CNN and Fox both say he's critical,"
Veep
"but Fox says it with blonder hair and bigger tits."
Veep
"What is this? Is that lint?"
Veep
"- You got one of those... - Yeah, lint brush. Sure, right here."
Veep
"That is amazing."
Veep
"Can I trouble you for another cup of coffee?"
Veep
"- I'm running on fumes. - I'm your man."
Veep
"And one cream."
Veep
"Splash of half-and-half."
Veep
"One sugar and one Splenda."
Veep
"Fuck me."
Veep
"Selina: Yes, Congressman,"
Veep
"the vice president is certainly the..."
Veep
"the president that never was."
Veep
"You know what, actually? I'm gonna have to call you back, Congressman."
Veep
"Thank you so much. Happy Thanksgiving. Yes. What?"
Veep
"Sherman's dead."
Veep
"Ow! Oh, my God, that hurts so much."
Veep
"Please don't surprise me like that again."
Veep
"We just got word."
Veep
"Why couldn't he have waited until after the weekend?"
Veep
"Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen."
Veep
"Say what, now?"
Veep
"We just lost the oldest member of the House"
Veep
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