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Clips from Louie - Late Show: Part 3 (S03E03)

I gotta change.

"I gotta change."

Louie

You're not a big guy, you're fat.

"You're not a big guy, you're fat."

Louie

Why do you have to change?

"Why do you have to change?"

Louie

you gotta make a big effort, you gotta try hard,

"you gotta make a big effort, you gotta try hard,"

Louie

you gotta do things you're not used to doing.

"you gotta do things you're not used to doing."

Louie

So you want to take over for Letterman?

"So you want to take over for Letterman?"

Louie

Yeah, that's...

"Yeah, that's..."

Louie

Tom Snyder.

"Tom Snyder."

Louie

I had no idea you were a comedian.

"I had no idea you were a comedian."

Louie

See the funny, make me laugh.

"See the funny, make me laugh."

Louie

I'm not that kind of funny.

"I'm not that kind of funny."

Louie

Look, there's different kinds of funny, right?

"Look, there's different kinds of funny, right?"

Louie

You got nothing or you would have shown me now.

"You got nothing or you would have shown me now."

Louie

and it's either the beginning or the end.

"and it's either the beginning or the end."

Louie

Three, two, one, go!

"Three, two, one, go!"

Louie

Funny!

"Funny!"

Louie

One...

"One..."

Louie

"Hello..." what is that?

""Hello..." what is that?"

Louie

I can't-- Ask!

"I can't-- Ask!"

Louie

Really?

"Really?"

Louie

Shit.

"Shit."

Louie

Good evening.

"Good evening."

Louie

Asshole!

"Asshole!"

Louie

Tits.

"Tits."

Louie

Thanks.

"Thanks."

Louie

Hey, Jack.

"Hey, Jack."

Louie

And now I'm gonna tell you what I know to be

"And now I'm gonna tell you what I know to be"

Louie

Thanks for everything, really.

"Thanks for everything, really."

Louie

They're giving me "Late Show."

"They're giving me "Late Show.""

Louie

It's a done deal.

"It's a done deal."

Louie

They're printing the t-shirts.

"They're printing the t-shirts."

Louie

Yeah.

"Yeah."

Louie

Okay, Louie.

"Okay, Louie."

Louie

Let's get right to it.

"Let's get right to it."

Louie

Obama said the economy will improve in the next four years.

"Obama said the economy will improve in the next four years."

Louie

to be reading jokes off cards,

"to be reading jokes off cards,"

Louie

You can see-

"You can see-"

Louie

I'm not saying nothing about that... just--

"I'm not saying nothing about that... just--"

Louie

I guess I was about 11 years old

"I guess I was about 11 years old"

Louie

You were in that movie a lot.

"You were in that movie a lot."

Louie

And I had never seen a lady in her underwear

"And I had never seen a lady in her underwear"

Louie

in a movie before.

"in a movie before."

Louie

... to my friend's house.

"... to my friend's house."

Louie

So you--

"So you--"

Louie

My wife said, "I want to name my daughter 'Darby.'"

"My wife said, "I want to name my daughter 'Darby.'""

Louie

Are you serious? I swear to God.

"Are you serious? I swear to God."

Louie

What I wished was the truth,

"What I wished was the truth,"

Louie

and I don't think it is,

"and I don't think it is,"

Louie

I got an option.

"I got an option."

Louie

I don't know if it--

"I don't know if it--"

Louie

You know, it's not official, but I feel pretty good.

"You know, it's not official, but I feel pretty good."

Louie

Official word just coming in from CBS that David Letterman

"Official word just coming in from CBS that David Letterman"

Louie

David Letterman will remain as the host of "The Late Show."

"David Letterman will remain as the host of "The Late Show.""

Louie

They used you to get his price down

"They used you to get his price down"

Louie

There's one other thing.

"There's one other thing."

Louie

You're dead.

"You're dead."

Louie

That's how good you were.

"That's how good you were."

Louie

I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry."

Louie

I did it!

"I did it!"

Louie

I did it!

"I did it!"

Louie

Hey, Letterman!

"Hey, Letterman!"

Louie

Hey, Letterman, I did it!

"Hey, Letterman, I did it!"

Louie

Daddy.

"Daddy."

Louie

Yeah?

"Yeah?"

Louie

Because I gotta lose 40 pounds.

"Because I gotta lose 40 pounds."

Louie

Why?

"Why?"

Louie

Well, if I want to get this show, I need to--

"Well, if I want to get this show, I need to--"

Louie

They want a skinnier person.

"They want a skinnier person."

Louie

Daddy, but you're not skinnier.

"Daddy, but you're not skinnier."

Louie

Daddy, you're fat, Daddy.

"Daddy, you're fat, Daddy."

Louie

Jane...

"Jane..."

Louie

It's all right, it's true, I'm a big guy.

"It's all right, it's true, I'm a big guy."

Louie

Daddy, I don't want you to change.

"Daddy, I don't want you to change."

Louie

It's not really about skinny or fat, it's just--

"It's not really about skinny or fat, it's just--"

Louie

You know, if you want to get a big thing in life, you--

"You know, if you want to get a big thing in life, you--"

Louie

I mean, also I gotta get in shape because this job--

"I mean, also I gotta get in shape because this job--"

Louie

I'm gonna be doing five shows a week every week.

"I'm gonna be doing five shows a week every week."

Louie

every single Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,

"every single Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,"

Louie

doing shows, rehearsing and writing.

"doing shows, rehearsing and writing."

Louie

It's gonna be a grind.

"It's gonna be a grind."

Louie

But when will you see us?

"But when will you see us?"

Louie

I'll see you on weekends.

"I'll see you on weekends."

Louie

You know, girls, I may not get this job.

"You know, girls, I may not get this job."

Louie

Yeah, but you want this job, right?

"Yeah, but you want this job, right?"

Louie

Yeah.

"Yeah."

Louie

Yeah.

"Yeah."

Louie

Yes.

"Yes."

Louie

No to that, too.

"No to that, too."

Louie

Yes.

"Yes."

Louie

No!

"No!"

Louie

You want to host "Late Show" on CBS?

"You want to host "Late Show" on CBS?"

Louie

Here's the thing with that, champ.

"Here's the thing with that, champ."

Louie

That's short for "champion."

"That's short for "champion.""

Louie

it's better if you're funny.

"it's better if you're funny."

Louie

Now, there have been some guys who were not funny.

"Now, there have been some guys who were not funny."

Louie

David Susskind.

"David Susskind."

Louie

Ted Koppel.

"Ted Koppel."

Louie

But funny is better.

"But funny is better."

Louie

Now, have you ever had any experience with being funny?

"Now, have you ever had any experience with being funny?"

Louie

You're a comedian?

"You're a comedian?"

Louie

I've known you for a week and you haven't made me laugh once.

"I've known you for a week and you haven't made me laugh once."

Louie

I thought you were a newsman.

"I thought you were a newsman."

Louie

No, I'm not a newsman, I'm a-- I'm a comedian.

"No, I'm not a newsman, I'm a-- I'm a comedian."

Louie

Jesus.

"Jesus."

Louie

Go.

"Go."

Louie

Go?

"Go?"

Louie

Go... funny.

"Go... funny."

Louie

Three, two, one... and go!

"Three, two, one... and go!"

Louie

What kind of funny?

"What kind of funny?"

Louie

All right, I think you'd better leave my office.

"All right, I think you'd better leave my office."

Louie

Let me tell me what kind of what you are.

"Let me tell me what kind of what you are."

Louie

You're whatever you have to be to make people laugh.

"You're whatever you have to be to make people laugh."

Louie

Anytime, anywhere, anyone.

"Anytime, anywhere, anyone."

Louie

You turn it on a dime.

"You turn it on a dime."

Louie

You get that belly moving, son, or you're out.

"You get that belly moving, son, or you're out."

Louie

Now tell the truth.

"Now tell the truth."

Louie

You're just scared, like a rookie.

"You're just scared, like a rookie."

Louie

with a number pinned to your shirt.

"with a number pinned to your shirt."

Louie

Thank you, have a nice day.

"Thank you, have a nice day."

Louie

Look, I-- I-- I can't give up on this.

"Look, I-- I-- I can't give up on this."

Louie

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