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Clips from Farzar - Memory Wars (S01E01)

"-Did it work? -I think so."
Farzar
"They still live inside my head and tell me what to say."
Farzar
"-Why would you say that? -[alarm blares]"
Farzar
"-I don't know. I panicked. -Act normal! Act normal!"
Farzar
"Fichael, I love you. Be my grandpa. We can marry a pig and lick a fence post."
Farzar
"Anyway, when I pull this lever, you'll be transported into your father's brain."
Farzar
"Because of science or some fucking bullshit,"
Farzar
"you'll have five minutes to eradicate Renzo's stapler memories"
Farzar
"and get out before you return to normal size."
Farzar
"Got it? Good."
Farzar
"-Who are you? -Uh… [clears throat]"
Farzar
"Uh, memory inspector."
Farzar
"Yes, of course."
Farzar
"Let me show you some of my memories. Here's the happiest day of my life."
Farzar
"Pick me! Pick me!"
Farzar
"Well, you never seemed this happy as my dad."
Farzar
"Maybe you were meant to be Cachunkachunk the Stapler."
Farzar
"What's that over there?"
Farzar
"I only want the best childhood for Fichael and I don't know what I'm doing."
Farzar
"I'm scared to death because I don't know how to be a good dad."
Farzar
"I think I have the perfect solution."
Farzar
"I'm not gonna kill him!"
Farzar
"Okay, misread the room. How about a memory gun?"
Farzar
"Yes. I'm going to work day and night to write the perfect childhood for my son."
Farzar
"I'm sorry, Cachunkachunk, but you gotta go. I want my real dad back."
Farzar
"Fuck you! I like being a stapler. Cachunk!"
Farzar
"Ah!"
Farzar
"Cachunk! Cachunk! Cachunk!"
Farzar
"Oh, shit, I'm jammed. No, stop it! Staplers don't bend that far."
Farzar
"My tiny springs will pop!"
Farzar
"[automated voice] Five seconds until enlargement."
Farzar
"The first warning is five seconds?"
Farzar
"My goodness, that was close."
Farzar
"But I do believe it worked."
Farzar
"Where's my boot?"
Farzar
"I think I found it, you goddamn MVP."
Farzar
"Die, me!"
Farzar
"[New Scootie] I knew you were gonna do that."
Farzar
"-Ah! -I knew you were gonna do that."
Farzar
"I knew you knew I was gonna do that."
Farzar
"Well, I knew you knew I knew…"
Farzar
"You know what? Can we just fight to the death without narrating this shit?"
Farzar
"Fine, whatever. I knew you were gonna say that."
Farzar
"[suspenseful music plays]"
Farzar
"Just give up. You're not the real Scootie."
Farzar
"Your consciousness was uploaded. You're just a copy."
Farzar
"You're not the real Scootie either."
Farzar
"Your consciousness was uploaded too, years ago."
Farzar
"So if neither of us is the real Scootie,"
Farzar
"where is the real Scootie?"
Farzar
"[screaming]"
Farzar
"So if I'm not real, what am I?"
Farzar
"Do I even have a soul?"
Farzar
"Should I even exist?"
Farzar
"If I'm dead, I shouldn't even be here."
Farzar
"[whimpers] Goodbye, cruel world."
Farzar
"You didn't see that shit coming, did you? [laughs]"
Farzar
"Real Scootie, if you up there, I'll see you one day."
Farzar
"Man, hell sucks. They gave me two asses, but they're both for giggles."
Farzar
"I can't shit."
Farzar
"I never wanted to hurt you, son."
Farzar
"I just didn't want to screw up."
Farzar
"I don't care about you screwing up, Dad."
Farzar
"I just care that we're making wonderful, real memories together."
Farzar
"Oh boy, son. Reel it in."
Farzar
"Easy. Whoa."
Farzar
"Look like you caught yourself a seven-seater."
Farzar
"This is the best real, definitely-not-fake day I've ever had."
Farzar
"Oh, how did I get so lucky to have a dad like you?"
Farzar
"I don't know, Fichael. Maybe you're born with it."
Farzar
"And maybe it's Maybelline."
Farzar
"Oh, I'm so glad we're finally alone. [chuckles]"
Farzar
"Yeah. Me too."
Farzar
"Now, let's get to knocking them boots."
Farzar
"-[Clitaris grunts] -No, enough. Get out of here!"
Farzar
"[stutters] But, sir--"
Farzar
"No buts!"
Farzar
"The only butts here"
Farzar
"are the ones me and that petrified piece of pigeon pie"
Farzar
"are gonna be mashing together."
Farzar
"'Cause that's a thing in sex, right?"
Farzar
"Butt mashing? Anyhow, fucking beat it!"
Farzar
"[moaning]"
Farzar
"And there go the teeth!"
Farzar
"Finally, I get to see what happens next."
Farzar
"Oh my God, is that a dildo?"
Farzar
"No, you moron."
Farzar
"I didn't come here to have sex with you."
Farzar
"I came here to kill you,"
Farzar
"so I could finally have sex with my husband again."
Farzar
"Wait, what?"
Farzar
"[gun whirs]"
Farzar
"Master, no!"
Farzar
"Seize her!"
Farzar
"Thanks for the butthole pic, sucker!"
Farzar
"Sir, I'm not going to make it."
Farzar
"My dying wish is for you to unite the alien clans"
Farzar
"and reclaim our glorious planet once and for all."
Farzar
"I'll do it. I'll kill every last one of those disgusting humans."
Farzar
"I swear here and now that I will avenge you, Guitar Piss."
Farzar
"Did you just call me "Guitar Piss"?"
Farzar
"Uh, that's your name, right?"
Farzar
"[groans]"
Farzar
"That… Wait a minute, that's… That's his name, right?"
Farzar
"Guitar Piss?"
Farzar
"Don't say anything."
Farzar
"I want to get out of here by six."
Farzar
"[adventurous music playing]"
Farzar