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Clips from Farzar - Memory Wars (S01E01)

"[suspenseful chord plays]"
Farzar
"Uh, your kid's not tall enough for the slide."
Farzar
"He's not a kid!"
Farzar
"He's an 18-year-old dwarf who I perform oral sex on."
Farzar
"What's wrong with you people?"
Farzar
"This came for you, Prince Fichael."
Farzar
"Now I've got my own memory gun."
Farzar
"Gonna teach my dad a lesson for messing with my head, man!"
Farzar
"My Pantene! Oh, I've loved this stuff ever since…"
Farzar
"So you're Fichael's prom date. Tell me a little about yourself."
Farzar
"Pantene, for hair so healthy it shines."
Farzar
"I like her, Fichael."
Farzar
"Now I know her bottle says two-in-one,"
Farzar
"but maybe she'll let you put one in two."
Farzar
"Uh, what does that mean, Dad?"
Farzar
"-Don't overthink it. -I'm just trying to think it."
Farzar
"This came for you, Your Majesty."
Farzar
"Oh, my. A love letter!"
Farzar
"Plus a Polaroid of his straight-up asshole!"
Farzar
"[gasps] How romantic."
Farzar
"But what should I do?"
Farzar
"I still love Renzo."
Farzar
"When is the last time Renzo wrote you a love letter?"
Farzar
"Or sent you a pic of his asshole?"
Farzar
"Good point, Fork. What should I do?"
Farzar
"♪ It's time to cheat, cheat, cheat On your limp dick spouse ♪"
Farzar
"♪ It's time to get to smashing Flames of passion have been doused ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Who are you? You're the queen! ♪"
Farzar
"♪ Every man should munch your bean ♪"
Farzar
"♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪"
Farzar
"♪ La, la, la, la, la ♪"
Farzar
"Whoa, Mom, what are you doing?"
Farzar
"Wait a minute. Did you take your brain pills today?"
Farzar
"These eggs told me not to."
Farzar
"Oh my God, it's worse than I thought."
Farzar
"How many times do I have to tell you eggs? Stop giving my mother medical advice!"
Farzar
"-Let me guess. Another Wendigo wish? -Nah, we're just hanging out."
Farzar
"-What do you want? -Mm. Payback."
Farzar
"I had a feeling this day would come."
Farzar
"Let's do this."
Farzar
"[showdown music plays]"
Farzar
"Remember, your waiter said, "Enjoy your meal." You said, "You too!""
Farzar
"No! That was so embarrassing. He wasn't even eating."
Farzar
"Remember last week when your dick fell off?"
Farzar
"Ah! My cock is gone!"
Farzar
"Oh, it grew back."
Farzar
"Remember when you sneezed at Home Depot, a booger came out and you ate it"
Farzar
"and the head of the paint department saw you?"
Farzar
"Remember that you're a…"
Farzar
"[stutters]"
Farzar
"Shit. A stapler!"
Farzar
"Dad, are you okay?"
Farzar
"I'm not your dad. I'm Cachunkachunk."
Farzar
"That's my name, and the sound I make, 'cause I'm a goddamn stapler."
Farzar
"[ominous music plays]"
Farzar
"Curse you, you vomitus slut!"
Farzar
"[grunting]"
Farzar
"No, not the devil's mist!"
Farzar
"Oh, what's this?"
Farzar
"Hmm."
Farzar
"Flammy liked my letter and poop chute Polaroid"
Farzar
"and she's coming here!"
Farzar
"Sir, I worry that this is a trap."
Farzar
"Oh, shut up."
Farzar
"I'm the expert on women here."
Farzar
"Real quick, how do humans have sex?"
Farzar
"[sighs] The same way that aliens have sex."
Farzar
"Right."
Farzar
"Real quick, how do aliens have sex?"
Farzar
"[sighs]"
Farzar
"Well, don't do it in front of me!"
Farzar
"That wasn't sex, sir."
Farzar
"So this is her vagina."
Farzar
"Mm-hmm."
Farzar
"And that goes up my butt?"
Farzar
"Who's the bag of stale bagels?"
Farzar
"That's Queen Flammy, sir."
Farzar
"Bagels because you're hot,"
Farzar
"and you smell like onions,"
Farzar
"and you're covered with little seeds."
Farzar
"I don't know."
Farzar
"Is there some place we can be alone?"
Farzar
"Sir, perhaps you would prefer to stay in my sight, for safety?"
Farzar
"Ew!"
Farzar
"Clitaris, you nasty perv."
Farzar
"How am I supposed to bump fuglies with you in the corner pulling on your wing-wang?"
Farzar
"Let's get out of here before he starts flinging his goop at us."
Farzar
"[romantic jazz playing]"
Farzar
"[moaning]"
Farzar
"Oh. [chuckles]"
Farzar
"I'm having some trouble unhooking your bra."
Farzar
"Oh, I'm not wearing a bra. Those are skin tags."
Farzar
"I think I'm-- [gags]"
Farzar
"I think it's time I took my teeth out, if you know what I mean."
Farzar
"Oh, is that a sex thing? Great."
Farzar
"Yeah, let's lose the chompers."
Farzar
"Ow!"
Farzar
"Ooh. Seventeen magazine was right."
Farzar
"Sex does hurt the first time."
Farzar
"Ah. Beautiful night, huh?"
Farzar
"Fuck off, Clitaris. Can't you see I'm having sex?"
Farzar
"[moaning]"
Farzar
"My, my, my, isn't that a beefy cock?"
Farzar
"What the fuck?"
Farzar
"-Your balls look like Clitaris? -Maybe I should leave you two alone."
Farzar
"Will you stay away from us?"
Farzar
"I'm trying to find out what happens when she takes her teeth out."
Farzar
"Do they go up my butt like her vagina does?"
Farzar
"Barry, you gotta help me."
Farzar
"-What seems to be the problem? -Staple, staple, staple."
Farzar
"What the fuck are you doing here, you son of a bitch?"
Farzar
"All I do is create."
Farzar
"All you do is destroy."
Farzar
"I think I scrambled his brain with a memory gun"
Farzar
"and now he thinks he's a stapler."
Farzar
"I got it. I shrink you down to the size of a microbe,"
Farzar
"then beam you into your father's brain,"
Farzar
"where you eradicate all his memories of being a stapler."
Farzar
"Have you done this before?"
Farzar
"Only with chipmunks."
Farzar
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