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Clips from The Good Place - Michael's Gambit (S01E01)

"- Oh, Dave, I'm gonna work so hard."
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"You have all done bad things since you arrived here."
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"Jason and I are the mistakes."
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"- "Ethically.""
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"- Yes."
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"Okay, team meeting."
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"Sorry, that's how I ended most of my serious relationships."
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"- Yeah, that checks out."
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"I was dropped into a cave, and you were my flashlight."
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"Come in."
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"- What? - Awesome."
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"I don't know if you love the other Eleanor"
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"I get to stay here with my wife forever!"
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"We never even get to be there... To see how fun it is."
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"because she thinks that I don't love her."
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"which means that you and real Eleanor and Jason can stay."
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"but just now as we were all"
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"but it's actually a filthy dumpster"
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"which was torture for chidi,"
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"and everything Michael has done"
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"Eleanor, i told you that first night"
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"like pulling out each other's teeth is like--"
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"and to make sure that they drive each other insane,"
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"out of this insane gambit."
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"But take me through it. How would this work, exactly?"
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"I thought we reserved the conference room."
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"- Sorry. Sorry, everyone."
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"a really nice vacation from your full-time job."
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"- Okay."
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"Nina... A marriage counselor."
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"- Maybe we can get them to swing with us."
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"- When I confessed."
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"But it didn't matter..."
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"I didn't care about helping"
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"- No, it doesn't."
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"and the four of us became a team."
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"- Oh, Eleanor. That's it!"
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"having you be soul mates living next to each other."
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"Next time, I'll spread you out so it's more of a slow burn."
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"- Uh, next time? - Yeah."
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"Wish me luck."
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"Chidi, I need ya. You're the smart one."
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"- I-i can't. I-i can't."
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"- Ugh!"
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"I mean, what is this? All this work for four people."
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"Let me--let me just tinker a little, try again."
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"- Okay."
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"What do I write? What do I write?"
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"You can't eat anything, right?"
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"- All right, let's try again, shall we?"
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"Ya bas--"
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"a chimpanzee and a baby tiger who've become friends?"
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"I love working out. I gotta stay jacked,"
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"- Yeah, you gotta."
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"Hi there."
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"What the fork is a "chidi"?"
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"- Morning, Mike. How's it hanging?"
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"- Oh. Fine, Dave, just fine."
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"- Listen, we got the files for the new crop of incoming,"
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"and the big guy thinks it's time for you to fly solo."
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"- I get to design it myself?"
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"- You've been an apprentice long enough. You're ready."
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"My design is gonna be absolutely perfect."
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"Starting immediately, you'll be reporting"
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"directly to the front office."
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"This is your shot. Good luck."
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"- the bad place is owed two people."
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"I don't care which two of you go."
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"You can decide. You have 30 minutes."
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"- All I ever wanted was for this neighborhood--"
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"my first neighborhood to be perfect."
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"Somehow I blew it and... Well, you're all suffering,"
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"and for that, I'm deeply sorry."
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"This is truly the saddest day of my life."
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"- Okay, I guess I'll speak first."
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"We're the ones who misled everybody"
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"and dragged you all into this mess, so..."
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"We should go to the bad place."
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"- Agreed. - Yes."
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"- Okay, I thought you were gonna at least pretend"
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"to fight me on that, but whatever."
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"- Hang on. That judge guy just said"
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"everyone here has done bad things."
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"Let's look at this ethnically."
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"- You guys helped me and Eleanor, right,"
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"but we're bad, so you helping us was bad."
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"It's basic consequentialism: The morality of an action"
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"is solely judged on its consequences."
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"The one time you actually remember something from class."
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"- Maybe I was brought here by mistake,"
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"but since we've been here, i just tried"
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"to stay out of everyone's way."
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"Chidi's done worse stuff than me."
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"He murdered Janet. He killed my wife!"
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"- I was trying to stop you from doing it!"
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"- Yeah, but you did it."
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"He who smelt it murdered Janet."
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"- Well, it's settled then."
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"Eleanor and jianyu are leaving."
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"- For the last time, my name is Jason,"
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"not jianyu, the amazing and incredible monk."
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"- Which is why you belong in the bad place."
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"- And by the way, Janet is not your wife,"
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"or your soul mate."
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"There's a Janet in every neighborhood."
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"- Well, I'm in love with this Janet."
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"We did a bunch of amazing, awesome stuff"
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"which almost turned out to be sex,"
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"and we were married in a legal ceremony."
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"- It was not legal."
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"- Okay, j-bones, you and me, outside."
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"- What? But--"
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"I'm not going. I don't wanna."
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"- Well, I don't wanna either, but let's face it."
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"Chidi and tahani are better people than we are."
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"We tried to improve ourselves and we did a good job."
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"Well, I did a good job."
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"You mostly fell asleep in class"
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"or made fart noises with your hands."
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"I could never do that"
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