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Clips from Da Ali G Show - Neil Hamilton (S01E01)

"Here's a mistake that a lot of men make in America -"
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"What size gift will get me entry..."
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"How do I show her I have a senses of humour?"
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"- I have a joke. - Uh-huh."
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"- There is a chair... - Mm-hm."
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"The chair, er... walk..."
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"# La la la la la #"
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"He walk on the street."
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"- Ha, ha! The chair is walking! - Right."
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"Yes, it is nice."
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"- I really should tell this joke? - Probably not."
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"My name is Borat."
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"- Your name please? - Guinevere."
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"Should I tell her she reminds me of my wife?"
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"Do you have a wife?"
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"- She is dead. - Oh, OK."
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"- Yes. - You know what I'm saying?"
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"Right. Once a person's dead, you should really put it aside."
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"You'd probably look for some of the qualities your wife had."
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"- No. - Same qualities your wife had,"
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"if there were some things you liked about her."
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"You remind me my wife."
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"My first... My older wife."
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"- Why you laugh? She dead. - OK."
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"What should I talk about with her?"
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"Talk about the environment you're in,"
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"I have now been, er..."
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"one week without any sexy intercourse."
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"My is... My, er..."
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"OK, or anything negative?"
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"No, not a criminal, a woman who go with another man and..."
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"Screw around on you. OK, right."
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"Hm. Well..."
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"You will come back my country, I will look after you,"
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"I will give you money, I will give you automobile car,"
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"We'll be together."
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"But if you cheat on me, I will crush you."
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"- I don't like that either. - Yes."
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"How do I know if she want me to take her..."
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"- Go to bed with her? - Sexy time. Yeah."
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"If she wants you to go to bed with her? How do you know that?"
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"Well, when you kiss each other."
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"When do we have sexy intercourse?"
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"Whenever you both agree on that."
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"- Me and you? - Yes."
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"Do you wish me success tonight?"
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"with dating and relationships."
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"- And I wish you the best. - Thank you."
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"I is here with none other than my main man, Buzz Aldrin."
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"but what was it like not being the first man on the moon,"
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"was you ever jealous of Louis Armstrong?"
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"- he was very, very qualified. - Well, whatever."
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"So, when you arrived on the moon,"
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"There was absolutely no thought..."
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"What happens if they went in winter, when the sun is cold?"
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"Me know you has been asked this a zillion times,"
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"it must really get on your tits, but let's just sort it out -"
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"what do you say to all those conspiracy theorists"
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"who come up to you and say,"
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"So all those people out there who is saying it don't, you is wrong."
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"- And we went there. - Yo, listen up."
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"and what is the conspiracy things?"
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"Cos I has seen a picture of J-Lo"
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"with two massive... geezers' dongs there"
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"- OK. - Is you upset Michael Jackson"
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"but you was the first geezer ever to actually do it?"
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"Er, no. You can call things by different names"
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"and you can say, "This is the Venus Trot.""
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"But that doesn't mean that it has any connection"
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"to what it would be like for a horse... moving on Venus."
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"- Yo. - The horse could trot on Venus."
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"- Except it's very hot. - There's horse...?"
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"- There's horse on Venus? - No, no. I'm just..."
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"Neither is Michael Jackson on the moon."
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"who is going on a trip round the universe"
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"and 'im goes to the travel booker"
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"and the travel booker goes, "You can't go to that hotel"
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""cos the moon is full.""
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"- That's pretty good. - That is..."
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"I thought it was funny cos he's full..."
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"and he's well full and everything."
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"But it's... Why is it funny cos the hotel is full?"
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"I wasn't sure that it was funny, you said it was funny."
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"- Why is it funny again? - Things are funny or comedic"
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"which is real, and the term "full"..."
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"- Full. - And you..."
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"- Full. - Yeah."
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"You applied that to either the hotel being full"
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"or the person being full and that's an absurd condition."
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"And that's what makes something funny,"
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"where you mix the absurd with the real."
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"Wicked. So listen up -"
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"You better learn about these things from my man Buzz Lightyear here."
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"Big up yourself... Buzz. Keep it real."
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"Also, jetzt bin Ich hier mit Paul Wilmot."
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"He is the god of seating plans,"
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"choosing which celebrity goes with who."
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"- Is that right? - I'm judge and jury"
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"and it's our job to put the right people in the right seats."
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"- So what is Paul Wilmot? - Well, I mean..."
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"Let's talk about who is in and who is out."
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"And if they are out you go, "Ich don't think so," and you go like that. Ja?"
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"I'll ask the names. So "vassup" and "Ich don't think so"."
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"- So, Jennifer Lopez. - Oh, what's up. Double what's up!"
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"- She's fabulous... - "Vassup"."
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"- Vassup, she's a double. - What about... er, Debbie Harry?"
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""Vassup" or "Ich don't think so"?"
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"Debbie Harry's having a second moment."
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"now she has a chance to be "vassup"."
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"Like Marianne Faithful is having a "vassup" moment too."
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"Now, "vassup"."
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"Who else is "Ich don't think so" now?"
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"She's talking about a clothing line - "Ich don't think so.""
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"Again, Barbra Streisand, not to pick on her..."
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"Barbra Streisand would go to the opening"
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"of the Frankfurt Allgemeine Zeitunggesch‰ft!"
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"We're doing a charity as well,"
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"teaching them about sexual responsibility and safe sex."
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"- Yeah, I mean... - No."
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"No, they can't hear you, they can't hear you."
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