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Clips from Eastbound & Down - Chapter 3 (S01E01)

"You're so fucking badass, Kenny. Man, you're so fucking..."
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"...is nothing compared to the things I've done."
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"I mean, dude, that could be just the fucking key."
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"You were driving and you smashed into this boat..."
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"...because you were drunk."
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"You were driving, because you're my assistant..."
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"What...? Am.? Am I really your assistant?"
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"This is worth millions of dollars."
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"- Kenny, what.? - What's up, Dustin?"
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"- Millions of dollars? Toilet seat, Kenny? - Well, this toilet seat is a collectors' item."
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"Who's gonna buy this shit?"
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"Don't put yourself through something with him."
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"...and we bestow our feelings of love towards you..."
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"...to move these treasures for me. I mean, think about it."
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"Well, that certainly would be nice, wouldn't it?"
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"I will help out, obviously, with things around here."
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"...on the satellite thing. I will also help out with the boys."
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"Maybe open up a checking account in their names..."
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"Okay, well, let's... We should do the checking-account thing though."
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"...and the mind of a fucking scientist."
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"...is my tireless work ethic. People say Kenny is a woman hater."
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"That's not true. I love women."
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"...and I'm not dancing with wolves no matter how high I get."
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"- What are you looking at? - Your nice hair, asshole."
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"He runs Happy Farms, an organic beef distributor."
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"Finally..."
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"...I need you to find out who Pliny Caldwell is."
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"Are you ready to learn some next-level shit?"
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"- Yes, sir! Yes, sir! - Yes, sir!"
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"This is the mindset you gotta be in if you wanna be a champion."
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"And I'll just stand over here."
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"That's fine with me. - That would be great for me."
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"I'll tell you, most teachers don't have a problem with me observing, but..."
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"He was a champion wrestler in high school, and I'm not making that up."
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"You know what? Could you go back behind the door..."
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"- You want me out in the hallway? - That would be fantastic."
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"I was drunk. I had a chance to get laid."
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"- You mean, like, from the store? - No, motherfucker."
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"Yeah, maybe, but, and I'm not trying to be a dick here..."
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"Obviously, I'm not gonna need steroids once I'm fucking in shape."
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"This is just to kick-start the training, dude."
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"Five thousand dollars?"
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"I don't know why you're being a bitch. I'm trying to make my life better."
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"Okay, you know what, Kenny, rather than asking for the top price..."
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"I offer you a once in a lifetime investment opportunity."
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"- So, what is this stuff anyway? - Oh, change the subject."
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"- All for sale. - How much is that mask?"
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"This mask is valued at over 600 bucks..."
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"- See, you're being rough with the hat. - I'm just trying to put it on."
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"You know, if I took you from behind right now, I'd be fucking myself over."
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"I can't pay 400 bucks for that shit."
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"Don't be late for school."
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"Clearance sale."
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"Stevie, this better be good."
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"He threw a perfect pitch?"
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"It's like watching a fucking pitching machine."
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"I know you don't remember me."
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"...when you was a sophomore, man."
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"That's some of the best pitching I have ever seen."
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"Yeah, I'm pretty much re-engineering man's approach to pitching..."
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"- ...if you wanna get down to brass tacks. - Well, that's impressive."
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"They said you was around, but teaching school or something?"
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"I'd focus on the "something" aspect of that. Yeah, I'm teaching."
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"Well, that's good for you then there, Kenny."
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"It's crazy what two years sober will do. Living totally clean."
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"- It does. Most definitely. - Yep."
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"- Good luck, yeah. - Help me out."
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"Oh, Kenny, I'm a college scout. I can't..."
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"No, I..."
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"But you'll help this fucking needle-dick Caldwell."
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"I don't know if I appreciate how this conversation's turning, son."
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"- You don't got a clue, bro. - No, I got the clue."
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"...instead of getting onboard my shit and seeing real talent?"
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"Oh, well, that's fucking terrific."
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"Cassandra!"
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"What are you talking about, Kenny?"
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"The Internet."
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"Okay. Well, that's good. You sold your bat."
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"Do you know how many pitchers hit home runs in the majors?"
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"Practically almost zero, but I did it."
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"So you're upset that your bat sold for 7 bucks."
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"Doesn't mean that you've been forgotten or weren't any good."
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"Well, fuck time."
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"Any one thing. Choose wisely."
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"I heard that bullshit thrown at me all my damn life."
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"...to throw a goddamn"
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"I'm gonna break your arm."
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"I love you too."
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"...you need more than hard work and dedication."
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"Motherfucker! That's Clegg in my fucking truck!"
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"You still with us, buddy?"
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"I don't want sweat and little-kid fingerprints on it."
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"What's this thing doing out in the driveway?"
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"I don't appreciate your tone with me. Cassie, fantastic idea."
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"Oh, I love that."
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"...and then people will make bids on them. You know, kind of like an auction."
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"I'll pay for those extra channels that I've subscribed to..."
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"Let's start listing the first stuff."
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"Have him make shipments of the Kobe beef to Louis."
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"I'm still waiting on a check, so I need you to keep floating."
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"- I will reimburse you. - Very cool, very cool."
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"You're cold, calculated murderers."
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"Oh, no, I'm just observing the class. Carry on, please..."
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"Well, it's really not up to any of you guys."
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"The people have spoken, Cut. Hit the halls, baby."
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"Okay, let's just try and clean up some of our language."
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"Okay."
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"Behave yourselves."
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"All right, fuck him. So here we go, guys."
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"Two men enter, one man leaves."
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"Dude, I'm so sorry about splitting with your truck the other night, man."
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"We're square on the truck..."
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"...but I need you to do something else."
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"Each of these balls were thrown by this fucking hand..."
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"I'll even throw in the Halliburton case."
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"- What do you say? One thousand dollars. - A thousand dollars?"
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"- I thought you said he was serious, man. - Chaz, you need to get to class."
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"Kenny, what is this?"
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"On school grounds, I'm sure there's a rule against that."
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"Oh, what are you gonna do? Tell your boyfriend about it?"
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