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Clips from Community - Pilot (S01E01)

"and as your dean,"
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"Well, you've heard all kinds of things."
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"I'm only half-arabic. My dad is Palestinian."
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"People wanna know that after meeting him He is angry."
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"Not at America. Just at my mom for leaving him."
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"Abed, nice to know you and then meet you in that order."
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"Now about that question that I had..."
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"What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class?"
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"She thinks she's gonna flunk her test, so she focuses."
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"Jeff Winger!"
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"So what is my lawyer doing here?"
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"I am in a bit of a jam."
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"that when you made that u-turn on the freeway"
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"- I'll look into it. - Thank you."
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"Rest of the group is running late."
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"You may have noticed, not so good at the small talk."
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"- Honesty? - Yes."
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"honesty, because..."
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"Really?"
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"We've each got an issue balled up that would make us cry"
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"- Very creepy. - That makes two of us."
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"- What's that? - Does it say you have to pee?"
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"No, it's just someone"
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"Abed, what's your read on that guy?"
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"You couldn't stop me from watching them."
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"Are you trying to use reverse psychology on a psychologist?"
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"- Fine! I'll do it! - Thank you."
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"- I need to call my babysitter. - What board certifies a tutor?"
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"All right."
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"- My name is Jeff. - Jeff, it's a pleasure."
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"But I think she needs to decide whether she wanna be considered a child"
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"or an adult, because children get pity when not respected."
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"- What are you doing? - I'm certified."
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"Whoa there, grabby-grabby."
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"The satisfaction of being even."
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"I'm sorry. It was an accident."
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"I did a little bit of lying to get close to you."
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"As if there's a dinner on Earth that could make me forget"
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"All right, everybody!"
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"I want to say something. Sit down."
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"For the same reason I can pick up this pencil,"
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"because people can connect with anything."
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"We can sympathize with a pencil. We can forgive a shark."
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"It's clear to all of you that I am awesome,"
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"but I can never admit that cause that would make me an ass."
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"She's driven. We need driven people"
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"And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that?"
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"Soup?"
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"the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils, and Ben Affleck."
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"I'd like you to say, "I forgive you"."
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"and stopped wasting all of our time."
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"And I'm happy to report"
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"with anyone whose time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine."
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"That explains everything."
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"Don't hit me."
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"Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?"
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"I'm not really sure how to do that."
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"Am I deaf? Can you hear me talking right now?"
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"Well, it is your study group, so."
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"I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now."
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"How do we turn this off? Can you help me with this?"
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"Thank you so much. I didn't mean to snap."
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"Good morning."
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"Many of you are halfway through your first week at Greendale"
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"I thought I would share few thoughts of wisdom and inspiration."
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"What is community college?"
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"You've heard it's loser college for remedial teens,"
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"20-something dropouts,"
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"middle-age divorcees,"
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"and old people"
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"keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity."
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"That's what you heard."
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"However, I wish you luck!"
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"Can we look around our immediate areas, 'cause I really wanted to..."
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"He's a US citizen. He's not a threat to National Security."
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"Although she left cause he was angry and he was angry cause she's American."
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"My name's Abed, by the way."
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"5 after 11:00 when you asked."
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"I can't find a road in there."
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"I only talked to her once while she was borrowing a pencil..."
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"Her name is Britta, 28, birthday in October,"
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"she has two older brothers. One of 'em works with children."
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"She's sorry if she seems cold."
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"Holy crap."
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"I see your value now."
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"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
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"Absolutely not."
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"These guys knew you like I did, they'd have given you a small office."
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"Genius at law."
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"- You got to stop saying that. - I will never do that. Sit down."
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"I still cannot figure out"
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"how you got a jury to connect September the 11th with my DUL,"
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"let alone why that helped."
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"Well, 2002 was a simpler time."
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"I'm a student."
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"That cannot be an inspiring journey."
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"The state bar has suspended my license."
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"They found out my college degree was less than legitimate."
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"- And it can't be an email attachment. - Well, you've picked a fine school."
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"And I'm hoping that our friendship"
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"will yield certain advantages."
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"Academic guidance, moral support,"
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"every answer to every test"
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"for every one of the classes I'm taking. Here's my schedule."
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"Now, Jeff, just by asking that,"
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"you have insulted the integrity of this entire institution."
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"Waster! Not a bathroom!"
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"Duncan, you did seem less into integrity"
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"the day that I convinced 12 of yours peers"
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"and tried to order chalupas from the emergency call box,"
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"I do love America. I love it very much."
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"- I love chalupas. - But?"
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"You are a good man."
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"Jeff, are you familiar with the adage "cheaters never prosper"?"
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"If I wanted to learn something,"
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"I wouldn't have come to community college."
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"- Spanish. - Don't hit on me, okay?"
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"I wouldn't dream of it."
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"I wanted to let you know about my Spanish study group."
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"The guy playing bejeweled on his iPhone all class has a study group?"
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