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Clips from Roseanne (2018) (S01E01)

"there were 50 people in line ahead of me when I got there,"
Roseanne (2018)
"but someone did call me "ma'am," so that was great."
Roseanne (2018)
"Hey!"
Roseanne (2018)
"Uh, some of your mail"
Roseanne (2018)
"got forwarded here from your old address."
Roseanne (2018)
"Oh, well, that is startling news."
Roseanne (2018)
"Where's Jackie?"
Roseanne (2018)
"She's going to be back in a little bit."
Roseanne (2018)
"I'm sorry, I'm just not giving up."
Roseanne (2018)
"I invited her to dinner."
Roseanne (2018)
"one of your dad's blood pressure pills."
Roseanne (2018)
"[DOOR CLOSES]"
Roseanne (2018)
"♪ ♪"
Roseanne (2018)
"Oh, look, Dan..."
Roseanne (2018)
"Russian."
Roseanne (2018)
"[CHUCKLING] Your nails are wet."
Roseanne (2018)
"I like your nail polish, Grandpa."
Roseanne (2018)
"That's drywall, son."
Roseanne (2018)
"I love the outfit."
Roseanne (2018)
"Six bucks."
Roseanne (2018)
"- Granny Rose! - Oh!"
Roseanne (2018)
"It's my little princess!"
Roseanne (2018)
"I want to train cats to bark."
Roseanne (2018)
"Aunt Jackie thinks every girl"
Roseanne (2018)
"even if they're a "liar, liar, pantsuit on fire.""
Roseanne (2018)
"- Hey, Aunt Jackie. - D.J.!"
Roseanne (2018)
"Thanks, but I've been out of the Army for three months."
Roseanne (2018)
"Oh, I've been off the force for years,"
Roseanne (2018)
"She win the war over there yet?"
Roseanne (2018)
"- Not yet. - Okay, well, thank her for her service."
Roseanne (2018)
"Thank you for your salad."
Roseanne (2018)
"DARLENE: Hey, everybody,"
Roseanne (2018)
"this is the first dinner together"
Roseanne (2018)
"Let's try to survive it."
Roseanne (2018)
"ROSEANNE: Oh, yeah."
Roseanne (2018)
"Jackie, would you like to take a knee?"
Roseanne (2018)
"and for bringing our son, D.J., home safe from Syria."
Roseanne (2018)
"who's on that stupid fishing boat"
Roseanne (2018)
"But most of all, Lord..."
Roseanne (2018)
"I'm going to use my life-coaching degree..."
Roseanne (2018)
"We respond with a positive affirmation"
Roseanne (2018)
"about the other person."
Roseanne (2018)
"Uh, apparently, all that weight you lost"
Roseanne (2018)
"How could you have voted for him, Roseanne?!"
Roseanne (2018)
"but we almost lost our house, the way things are going."
Roseanne (2018)
"Have you looked at the news? 'Cause now things are worse."
Roseanne (2018)
"Not on the real news!"
Roseanne (2018)
"BECKY: Hey, everybody."
Roseanne (2018)
"I'm having a baby."
Roseanne (2018)
"A baby what?"
Roseanne (2018)
"There's this really nice woman who wants me to have her baby."
Roseanne (2018)
"I'm gonna be her surrogate."
Roseanne (2018)
"Daddy, is that how you have a baby?"
Roseanne (2018)
"Yes."
Roseanne (2018)
"And she's paying me... $50,000."
Roseanne (2018)
"Wow! Just for having a baby?"
Roseanne (2018)
"Dan, you owe me $200,000."
Roseanne (2018)
"Right after my checkup,"
Roseanne (2018)
"I start getting the shots to produce extra eggs."
Roseanne (2018)
"Hold up."
Roseanne (2018)
"They're using your eggs?"
Roseanne (2018)
"Yeah, it's my eggs and her husband's sperm."
Roseanne (2018)
"Sorry, I know you're eating."
Roseanne (2018)
"But that's like selling off one of our grandkids."
Roseanne (2018)
"I could buy a new car,"
Roseanne (2018)
"maybe put something down on a house."
Roseanne (2018)
"Is anyone gonna mention the fact that she's like 50?"
Roseanne (2018)
"and I told her I was 33,"
Roseanne (2018)
"which, according to the lady at the MAC counter,"
Roseanne (2018)
"Oh, well, you should've used your IQ, Becky."
Roseanne (2018)
"You could've said you were 23."
Roseanne (2018)
"Becky, I know you've had a hard time"
Roseanne (2018)
"and if you need anybody to talk to,"
Roseanne (2018)
"Anybody want to know what I think?"
Roseanne (2018)
"I'll be out the garage."
Roseanne (2018)
"That oughta do it."
Roseanne (2018)
"In this family, if you get pregnant,"
Roseanne (2018)
"you're gonna have the baby."
Roseanne (2018)
"until the time the baby realizes"
Roseanne (2018)
"it got screwed by being born into this family,"
Roseanne (2018)
"then we're gonna send that baby out into the world"
Roseanne (2018)
"with its own baby!"
Roseanne (2018)
"Well, I don't want her selling off our grandkids, either, Dan,"
Roseanne (2018)
"but, you know,"
Roseanne (2018)
"if there's one thing we learned about Becky"
Roseanne (2018)
"'cause then she'll just go do the exact opposite."
Roseanne (2018)
"I mean, remember we told her not to get married?"
Roseanne (2018)
"Remember we told her not to get that"
Roseanne (2018)
"She got the tattoo."
Roseanne (2018)
"Yeah, and we told her she had to finish high school,"
Roseanne (2018)
"She didn't finish high school?"
Roseanne (2018)
"[SCOFFS] That's the whole point."
Roseanne (2018)
"You're not having a baby."
Roseanne (2018)
"No, I'm merely pointing out, at your age,"
Roseanne (2018)
"your uterus should be designated a historic landmark."
Roseanne (2018)
"I'm not living at home with my parents."
Roseanne (2018)
"[SCOFFS] I'm taking care of them,"
Roseanne (2018)
"they're not taking care of me."
Roseanne (2018)
"I mean, [SCOFFS], look, M-Mom and Jackie are fighting,"
Roseanne (2018)
"Dad and Mom aren't taking their medication."
Roseanne (2018)
"I didn't want to come home."
Roseanne (2018)
"I had to come home because this family's falling apart."
Roseanne (2018)
"You're too selfish to care about anyone but you."
Roseanne (2018)
"She's an old woman trying to have a baby."
Roseanne (2018)
"And, by the way, Darlene,"
Roseanne (2018)
"if you want to tell everybody that you came home"
Roseanne (2018)
"to take care of us, we'll back you up on that."
Roseanne (2018)
"What are you talking about?"
Roseanne (2018)
"You lost your job, right?"
Roseanne (2018)
"Yeah, I never stopped."
Roseanne (2018)
"That is such a huge violation."
Roseanne (2018)
"No, it's not. That's this one."
Roseanne (2018)
"They caught you on a red light camera."
Roseanne (2018)
"I lost my job, okay?"
Roseanne (2018)
"You know, I-I didn't know what else to do."
Roseanne (2018)
"I got two kids, I got no partner,"
Roseanne (2018)
"[VOICE BREAKING] so I came home."
Roseanne (2018)
"Well, why didn't you just say that?"
Roseanne (2018)
"Because it's embarrassing."
Roseanne (2018)
"You know, I just..."
Roseanne (2018)
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