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Clips from Louie - Heckler/Cop Movie (S01E01)

"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"It takes 20 minutes before you know that you've already been full for 20 minutes."
Louie
"First of all, what a douche bag your body is..."
Louie
"...that it takes 20 minutes."
Louie
"That's how my asshole talks."
Louie
"No, I'm gonna go if you can."
Louie
"I was on a plane the other day and people on the plane--"
Louie
"You know when you're on a plane on the tarmac and you can't get to the gate..."
Louie
"Nobody cares about Mike. Okay, whatever, it was funny."
Louie
"No. Okay."
Louie
"You're making jokes about rape, and that's offensive."
Louie
"However many years ago you were born."
Louie
"Everybody that works in the hospital that you were born at..."
Louie
"Because she can't make any more **** with her ****."
Louie
"I'm glad you stunk."
Louie
"That's what happens."
Louie
"Well, I was participating. I'm allowed to participate."
Louie
"I just am. I know I'm a good person..."
Louie
"And it's your job to put up with it or learn how to deal with it at least."
Louie
"I mean, why are you being such a baby? Okay, look, let me ask you a question."
Louie
"Do you like your life?"
Louie
"They don't have many friends, they don't have families. They have this."
Louie
"I did nothing tonight, and you were just gross and insulting."
Louie
"That's really neg."
Louie
"What? It's really negative."
Louie
"Because I just hate it, standing there in fake clothes and acting."
Louie
"Yeah, but if that's your dream-- See, it's not my dream though, Laurie."
Louie
"I mean, that has just gotta be the dumbest..."
Louie
"I'm trying to be an actor."
Louie
"Long time no see. I know, I just haven't been around."
Louie
"Hey, Simon. I got you a part in The Godfather."
Louie
"You mean another sequel? No, no, no."
Louie
"I know, and I got you a part in it."
Louie
"No auditions, no acting."
Louie
"But this, you don't even have to read for it."
Louie
"...he saw you on television."
Louie
"It's huge."
Louie
"Well-- You're not."
Louie
"I came to you because I'm a comedian."
Louie
"Everybody tells you if you're on-stage, you should also try to be in movies."
Louie
"You've been great, and you got me that Martin Lawrence movie."
Louie
"Hey, Joan, I'm sorry."
Louie
"Hey, Laurie."
Louie
"He was so happy he got that for you."
Louie
"I thought it was all Jews."
Louie
"Cut, cut. Uh-- - Cut it."
Louie
"Pretend my father's dead."
Louie
"I didn't-- Cut."
Louie
"You can't go in there."
Louie
"Where's my father? Your father's dead."
Louie
"You can't go in there."
Louie
"Uh...."
Louie
"Comedian."
Louie
"You just can't charge whatever you want for things."
Louie
"Of course you have to buy a lot."
Louie
"Yo, yo, shoot that bitch. Mama!"
Louie
"Hurry up, man, shoot him."
Louie
"Mine ain't real either."
Louie
"What?"
Louie
"Get out of here. - Shit."
Louie
"Some help you were. Lousy cop."
Louie
"I have all night, so.... Yeah? Okay."
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie"
Louie
"You know, I went to a doctor recently, he told me to eat slower."
Louie
"And I was like, Why eat slower?"
Louie
"And he said, Because your body gets full..."
Louie
"...but that message that your body's full..."
Louie
"...takes 20 minutes to travel from your stomach to your brain."
Louie
"What's taking 20 minutes to get--?"
Louie
"If I stub my toe, I know it immediately, and that's twice the distance."
Louie
"What is this message doing that it's--? It, like, stops at my tit:"
Louie
"Hey, tit, what's up? Hanging out, what you doing?"
Louie
"I'm going to tell them that we're full."
Louie
"Get up there, you idiot. We're gonna get huge if you don't tell him."
Louie
"Oh, well, excuse me."
Louie
"Then he goes off, I'm not going yet, and goes down to my asshole."
Louie
"He's like, Hey, asshole, what are you doing? My asshole's like:"
Louie
"I-- I-- - My God, you did not just say that."
Louie
"Seriously."
Louie
"What? Hi, could you stop talking?"
Louie
"You're making it hard for me to do my job."
Louie
"Oh, okay, sorry."
Louie
"It's okay, you don't have to be sorry, just don't do it anymore."
Louie
"Okay. Okay, thank you."
Louie
"Anyway, holy shit."
Louie
"Always just gets me a little-- Sorry."
Louie
"That happened to Mike the other day."
Louie
"Excuse me? No, my--"
Louie
"Well, my-- Ha, ha. My friend, that happened to him too."
Louie
"I don't care."
Louie
"Well, no, my friend Mike-- Hey, nobody cares about your friend Mike."
Louie
"Nobody cares about your friend Mike. Okay."
Louie
"What was funny? Unlike you. Ha, ha."
Louie
"I'm sorry?"
Louie
"I said unlike you."
Louie
"It was funny, unlike me. Yes. Yes, I did."
Louie
"Can I ask you a question? Go ahead."
Louie
"What happened to the parade?"
Louie
"What parade?"
Louie
"The parade of stupid **** you were a float in."
Louie
"I'm just curious."
Louie
"Okay, that's not even funny. It's not?"
Louie
"You sure? All right."
Louie
"You're offensive. I'm offensive?"
Louie
"Yes. What do you mean?"
Louie
"You don't like rape? No."
Louie
"You don't? No."
Louie
"That's really weird, because, you know, you wouldn't even exist..."
Louie
"...if your mom hadn't raped that homeless Chinese guy."
Louie
"Oh, my God."
Louie
"No, listen, I'm sorry. I'm really--"
Louie
"It's hard to come back from that. But I am sorry. I don't-- I didn't--"
Louie
"I didn't mean that."
Louie
"Look, can you do me a favor?"
Louie
"What? Can you please just die of AIDS?"
Louie
"Does anybody have AIDS who--?"
Louie
"That could put their dick in her face and get her started on that?"
Louie
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