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Clips from New Girl - Parents (S02E02)

"So your hair just does, like, this one thing, right?"
New Girl
"Sorry."
New Girl
"I don't know if Jess has told you this but I am writing a novel."
New Girl
"- Oh, really? What's it about? - It's about zombies."
New Girl
"- Zombies. - And it's a relationship story."
New Girl
"There's a great love story that could be made into a movie."
New Girl
"- The love story is between whom? - The zombie and Carol."
New Girl
"The zombie and the..."
New Girl
"- Carol is not a zombie? A regular person. - A rich girl."
New Girl
"- So it's like Twilight. - It's not like Twilight. No, it isn't."
New Girl
"The vampire falls in love with a regular person. It's the same thing."
New Girl
"Is there another guy in Twilight that there's a bit of a love triangle with?"
New Girl
"- Yes. It's the same as Twilight. - Let me... Does Twilight have a wolf in it?"
New Girl
"- Yes. - It does?"
New Girl
"- Yes. - Is Twilight in Seattle?"
New Girl
"Yes."
New Girl
"Well, then whoever wrote that is smart."
New Girl
"Um, listen, I know you were very young, and I'll completely forgive you."
New Girl
"Joan, I have told you this."
New Girl
"It wasn't me."
New Girl
"Okay, I believe you."
New Girl
"I know it was you."
New Girl
"Wow. I look like a slutty Katie Couric."
New Girl
"- The trap has been set. - Is it working?"
New Girl
"Mm-hm. Croce makes my mom frisky. Check it out."
New Girl
"NICK: Oh, hey, your mom looks great."
New Girl
"Really? Go hit on her."
New Girl
"- What? - My dad gets super jealous."
New Girl
"- If you go lay some sweet game on her... - On your mother?"
New Girl
"- I was gonna make Schmidt do it. - I can't hit..."
New Girl
"...on your mother, Jess. - Hey, Mom? Mom."
New Girl
"Nick was just saying that your décolletage looks bewitching in that dress."
New Girl
"- Right, Nick? - Thank you."
New Girl
"Ahem. I really like your de..."
New Girl
"Your décolletage."
New Girl
"Say hello to my sister-wives, Mrs. Schmidt and Mrs. Schmidt."
New Girl
"[BOTH GRUNT]"
New Girl
"BIG SCHMIDT: All right, time for delts. - Oh, yeah?"
New Girl
"I'm slowly regretting this."
New Girl
"Definition is for chicks, man. It's all about size."
New Girl
"- Look at the mass on this bitch. - That's stupid."
New Girl
"- What's your calf situation? - Wanna see some ankle circles?"
New Girl
"Look at that. Some donkey raises? One, two..."
New Girl
"- No, no. Wheelbarrow. - Wheelbarrow?"
New Girl
"Every kid knows what a wheelbarrow is. Put your hands on the ground."
New Girl
"Hands on the ground."
New Girl
"- Hey. - Whoo!"
New Girl
"- Turn him around. Faster. BIG SCHMIDT: All right."
New Girl
"- Come on. Work those calves. BIG SCHMIDT: I can do this all day."
New Girl
"SCHMIDT: I got it all day, man. - I don't even think about it."
New Girl
"That's awesome. Keep going."
New Girl
"- I got it all day. - I could do this all day."
New Girl
"- How long can you do this? - All day!"
New Girl
"- Yeah, I got it all day too. - Winston!"
New Girl
"- Why are you yelling at me? - I could do this all day. All day, Winston."
New Girl
"- This is great. BIG SCHMIDT: I'm doing it all day!"
New Girl
"Joan, I've gotta say, you are great at doing what you're doing."
New Girl
"- You've got those beautiful, strong arms. - Ha, ha."
New Girl
"You wanna give it a try? Okay, just..."
New Girl
"Mom and Nick seem to be really getting along great."
New Girl
"- No, no, no. - Is that good?"
New Girl
"- You're wasting it. - Oh, sorry then. Show me."
New Girl
"- Mm. Yeah. - We gotta get the whole thing."
New Girl
"- There you go. - It is happening. Heh-heh."
New Girl
"I sprayed all over. Clean-up time."
New Girl
"Like, whoa."
New Girl
"- Jess, what are you doing? - Watching the game."
New Girl
"- You're doing the Parent Trap thing. - What? Dad."
New Girl
"- Yes. - I have a master's. I'm not parent-trapping."
New Girl
"- You're such a liar. - Seriously, I'm not... Okay."
New Girl
"Every time. It never works out."
New Girl
"Okay, I'm calling it off. Nick?"
New Girl
"[SINGING] Every time I try to tell you The words just come out wrong"
New Girl
"Nick."
New Girl
"BOTH [SINGING]: So I have to say I love you in a song"
New Girl
"JESS: Nick. - I love that."
New Girl
"- Thanks for helping but I'm calling it off. - She's doing one of her parent traps."
New Girl
"- Can I top you off? - Yes, please."
New Girl
"- What are you doing? - I don't know, Jess."
New Girl
"I'm a little bit confused. I think I'm into your mother."
New Girl
"- What? - I don't know how."
New Girl
"It happens all the time."
New Girl
"Don't know if it's the sweet sounds of Croce..."
New Girl
"...or the sweet smells of turkey..."
New Girl
"- No, Nick. This is not what we talked about. NICK: I know but..."
New Girl
"- Give me that baster. - No."
New Girl
"No!"
New Girl
"Okay, everyone. This bird needs to go back in the oven."
New Girl
"Bob, I need to clean you up in the bathroom, please. Come on."
New Girl
"BOB: Brand new shirt."
New Girl
"Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably."
New Girl
"You don't have to do it. You can go back to your basting."
New Girl
"- She's gotta stop doing this. - I know."
New Girl
"- She's so stubborn. - I wonder where she got that?"
New Girl
"Did she ever text you some photos?"
New Girl
"- Of you in the shower? - Yeah."
New Girl
"- Yeah, I got them. Mm. - I was just wondering."
New Girl
"Ah, maybe I was a little jealous."
New Girl
"[BOB GRUNTS]"
New Girl
"[BOTH MOANING]"
New Girl
"Seems to me like this thing is a draw."
New Girl
"I mean, you did touch a hotter pan, but he ate a much bigger candle."
New Girl
"I mean, you belched longer, he farted louder."
New Girl
"You punched a tree, he head-butted a bench. You both bailed on the fifth testicle punch."
New Girl
"How much more can you take?"
New Girl
"I got the belts rigged up in the bedroom. Ready to see who blacks out first?"
New Girl
"All right. You know what? Forget it. I give."
New Girl
"[BIG SCHMIDT HUMS]"
New Girl
"[GRUNTS THEN LAUGHS]"
New Girl
"Yeah, but know this, all right? Caveman ideas about manhood are so over."
New Girl
"Manhood today is about exfoliation and cheese courses..."
New Girl
"...and emotional honesty, and Paxil."
New Girl
"And cutting peppers in the classic style de julienne."
New Girl
"Okay, you may have bested me in a competition of pre-Clinton manhood..."
New Girl
"...but I am Schmidt..."
New Girl
"...a refined and enlightened pescetarian, about 90 percent of the time."
New Girl
"Observe."
New Girl
"What are you doing?"
New Girl
"Don't touch the blade, it's hot."
New Girl
"- A classic julienne. - Marine Corps Cook of the Year, 2003."
New Girl
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