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Clips from New Girl - Parents (S02E02)

"Oh, dear God."
New Girl
"- [SINGING] Who's that girl? CHORUS: Who's that girl?"
New Girl
"I thought... I... I thought everyone knew."
New Girl
"Just tell me the truth. Did you drive my van?"
New Girl
"I can feel the chemistry. I can hear it."
New Girl
"- You need help. - Why do I do that? I don't understand."
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"- What, you get a little jealous, Bob? - Of that idiot? Are you kidding me?"
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"- I volunteered first. You can't volunteer after. - I'm in the game."
New Girl
"Jess."
New Girl
"What?"
New Girl
"- I don't... - Mm-hm."
New Girl
"Why would I do that? Parent Trap. That's crazy."
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"Mom, Dad, help. There's a man in the room."
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"He's trying to get us to eat candy."
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"- Jess, are you okay? - Jess?"
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"What's the matter? Are you all...?"
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"Oh, damn it, Jess. That's the second time today."
New Girl
"Smile, Mom. You still got it."
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"JOAN: Jessica, what are you doing? - I want him to see what he's missing."
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"You're texting your father?"
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"That was a long time ago, Cece. When I was young and naive."
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"JOAN: Just go. BOB: Excuse me."
New Girl
"[SIGHS]"
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"What's with the crappy beer? You hate that."
New Girl
"Let's just say my cousin doesn't have the most sophisticated palate."
New Girl
"Raised by wolf-like parents in the wilds of Minnesota."
New Girl
"Went to juvie for stealing the synagogue's minivan."
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"Been that way since we were kids. Made my life hell."
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"I'm the strong kind of fat. Ha-ha-ha!"
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"Yes, yes, yes."
New Girl
"Tell me he's gonna sit on you when he gets here."
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"- He's a good guy. He's totally changed. - Okay."
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"Settled down with this great woman named Krista. She's coming."
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"Actually went to Legoland with them last year."
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"He didn't pressure me to go on any rides I was uncomfortable with."
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"- Ho! Ha, ha! - Oh!"
New Girl
"- How you doing, little buddy? Come here. - All right."
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"- Aah! - Oh! Okay."
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"- Hey. - What's up, man? Winston."
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"- Nice to meet you. I'm Schmidt. - I go by Schmidt around here."
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"There can only be one. You know the rules. Oh! I'll give you that there."
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"Where's Krista?"
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"- Krista and I have a new arrangement. - Okay."
New Girl
"I, uh, can sleep with whoever I want."
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"But she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore."
New Girl
"[JESS & JOAN LAUGH]"
New Girl
"- Hey, Dad, you wanna help us? - I have to stay away from salmonella."
New Girl
"- You don't have to lick it, Bob. - No, no, no, my doctor said..."
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"- It was a joke. It was just a joke. - My doctor says any..."
New Girl
"I have a sense of humor. If that was a joke, here is a pencil. Draw me a map to the joke."
New Girl
"Guys, it doesn't have to be like this. Mom, you're in a great place with your practice."
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"Dad, I'm sorry Katherine cheated on you but it's been months."
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"- Jess. - I'm sorry, I thought..."
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"You grieved so publicly on Instagram."
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"All those pictures of sad trees and your lunches."
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"[SIGHS]"
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"Katherine cheated?"
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"- Yeah. - Oh, Bob, that's terrible. I'm so sorry."
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"- No, really, I had no idea. - Yeah, well..."
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"- Yeah. JOAN: Oh, sorry. Really."
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"- Come here. Let me just give you a... - Salmonella. Salmonella."
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"- I liked her. - You did?"
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"- No. - I didn't think so."
New Girl
"[JIM CROCE'S "IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY" PLAYING]"
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"Hey, remember that song? Huh?"
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"- Yeah. That was a night. Great night. JOAN: Do I remember that."
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"- No, I'm not talking about the concert. - No, the after-party."
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"The after-party. Yes."
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"[WHISPERS] Jess, no."
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"Parent trap."
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"[JESS SNICKERS]"
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"Okay, admittedly, this is a little bit crazy."
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"But if this is gonna work, you're both helping me."
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"- I'm out of here. JESS: Sit down."
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"- I'm not doing a parent trap. - They got married too young."
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"They got divorced too young. I think this could make them happy."
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"They need us. Here's the plan."
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"We're gonna make my mom look so hot, my dad can't resist her."
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"Your parent trap, there's no identical twins or mistaken identity?"
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"Not a parent trap. It's a makeover."
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"Only thing you have to do is distract my dad."
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"A parent trap takes weeks of schedule. You're just throwing this together."
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"This is a makeshift parent trap. They don't work."
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"- Why do you have to ruin everything? - I've got something bad inside me."
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"I ruin things."
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"- Let's do this parent trap. - Yes."
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"[MEN LAUGH]"
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"BIG SCHMIDT: Oh, would you look at that? She is spectacular."
New Girl
"- Wow! - You know we used to date, right?"
New Girl
"- You? Schmiggle? - Schmidt."
New Girl
"- Please. - Cece, can you please come over here..."
New Girl
"...and confirm our intercourse?"
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"Then I dumped her because I was, like, "Whatever.""
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"- You mean when you ran away scared? - Exactly."
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"You're not enough man for a woman like that."
New Girl
"- You are? BIG SCHMIDT: Damn right I am."
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"If you guys wanna find out who's truly the manliest, you should have a contest."
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"- I'm listening. - Go on."
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"And the winner of this contest will be declared the one true Schmidt."
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"- Yes. - It is on."
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"- What are you doing? Nice. - I'm bored."
New Girl
"It seems like every time they wanna move a team to Los Angeles..."
New Girl
"...the team that's most likely to move here, the owner, Al Davis, dead."
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"And they talk to the Ravens and their owner, Art Modell."
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"- Dead. - Dead. Know what I mean?"
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"Who's gonna speak out for us? The voice of the NFL, Steve Sabol?"
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"- Also dead. - Dead. Exactly."
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"- You know, it doesn't take a genius. - Always follow the money."
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"That's what I always say. Follow the money."
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"- Oil companies. - Pharmaceuticals."
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"- Big business. Chicken corporations. - Uh-huh."
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"BOTH: Corn."
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"Yeah."
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"Explain to me again why we're doing this?"
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"Because when Cece's all washed-up as a model..."
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"...she wants to be a makeup artist and I wanna help her realize her dreams."
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"Yeah. It's my plan B."
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"Okay, stop. Seriously. It's just too much."
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"The makeup and your dress?"
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"I wear makeup in Portland to keep the rain off my face."
New Girl
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