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Clips from Peep Show - Gregory's Beard (S09E09)

"This programme contains strong language and adult humour."
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"MARK: There she is, hovering ominously - Dobby's yellow head."
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"I'm not about to masturbate looking at the head."
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"That's what they want me to do."
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"Mark, can I put the heating on? I'm freezing."
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"I'm trying to build up a picture of her mental state."
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"Fascinating(!) Here's a radical idea."
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"after I went a bit overboard that time."
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"The million-text month?"
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"The 327-text month."
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"Put it back, Jeremy."
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"It's only seven hours till the central heating comes back on."
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"on the radiator and me sitting on a bongo."
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"'I'm definitely falling in love with her."
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"'But what the hell's she talking about?"
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"Sorry I'm back so early. I'll, um... I'll hide out in the bedroom."
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"'Fuck, did I?' JOE: Really?"
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"'reckon I could duff him up, if I needed to."
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"'Mate? He wants my liver for a transplant? Well, he can't have it."
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"When Ukip come to round us all up, you'll be there,"
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"Best man?"
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"beef Wellington, don't trust the Argies, dick in the vagina,"
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"'There is nothing that could persuade me to strap myself to the huge,"
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"'flaming Super Hans wedding zeppelin with a gang of drugged-up goons."
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"'Oh, hang on.'"
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"The old long list is pretty short."
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"'Lose the lions, put up my certificate, get a filing cabinet."
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"'What is that?"
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"'Wait, is that a fucking thermometer?"
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"Hello. Hello."
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"I thought perhaps you'd bought your own fan heater."
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"Oh, for fuck's sake!"
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"no turning the central heating to constant."
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"me to the ceremony, just the reception."
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"who goes to those spoken-word poetry events"
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"'because he thought I was a demon? Or the time"
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"'a chicken skewer for no apparent reason?"
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"'There's nothing unethical about secretly filming my own flat."
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"'I should put a mousetrap in there. That'd be fun.'"
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"Oh, good, Jeremy. You?"
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"Not according to the Met Office, it's not."
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"There is no microclimate around Apollo House."
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"why I'm feeling quite chilly now. You don't look chilly."
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"heating window and the flat looks incredibly warm."
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"DOORBELL RINGS"
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"Who's that?"
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"Now, turn the heating off,"
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"KNOCKING"
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"Coming, Hans."
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"'Roll out the new Mark manifesto.'"
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"'No pressure, but go out with me or I'll hang myself.'"
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"Can I, er...? 'Who the fuck are you?"
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"Hi. Hi."
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"And what does Gregory do?"
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"and comparing the different coffee shops he doesn't like"
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"And the carrot cakes?"
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"'I knew it.' OK. It's, er, charging."
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"DOBBY: Who's that?"
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"But not actually the full..."
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"We should turn this off. Yeah, we definitely should."
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"penetration or just clip each other off."
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"Molly's gang are staying here, so"
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"Jez get fucked by some guy on Mark's webcam."
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"Right. Fair play."
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"How long you been filming Jez having sex, Mark?"
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"It's accidental. I just wanted to make sure"
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"he hadn't turned up the central heating."
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"'I'm going to go and stare into the mirror and wait out the fucking"
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"Mark is not going to jump me."
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"Stop being a psycho and go back to live-tweeting your headache."
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"Any-Anything I could use that might be a bit more romantic?"
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"Also, and I know this might sound"
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"It's like watching TV with Mark."
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"I don't want to push it, but..."
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"'Cuddling up all night with Joe,"
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"'as if we were boyfriend and...boyfriend?"
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"'Am I going to go the full three dimensions?'"
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"Yeah, got to go."
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"Got to get on a night coach to King's Lynn, my friend."
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"Relax. There are three of us."
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"Take 'em out from behind - nice and easy."
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"to say, about the...million-text month..."
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"because you're getting suffocated?"
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"but you want to mime in Hungary?"
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"It doesn't make any sense."
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"Mm, everyone's drinking the Kool-Aid."
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"I don't want any delicious Kool-Aid."
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"'I'm aggressively glancing. Constant eye flicks and no smile."
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"'What the hell am I doing in this horrible coach"
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"'Am I a guy who just slept with a guy, which is fine,"
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"'or am I a guy who is a gay guy, which is also fine,"
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"'or am I a guy who sometimes sleeps with guys and sometimes doesn't?"
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"'Which is also fine."
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"'God, they're doggers. I'm going to get dogged.'"
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"Do you know anywhere haunted?"
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"you up and feed you into a fucking septic tank."
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"so...we're all good."
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"Fuck knows. Like, three miles."
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"Man, Molly's going to shit a house brick."
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"Oh, and, er, watch out for wolves."
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"Ooh, you fucker!"
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"'Could it be Dobby?"
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"The inevitable Jez. How's the Dobby mission going?"
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"Disaster. She's got a boyfriend."
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"Look, you're the last person"
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"who I would ideally talk to about this,"
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"and... I'm...I'm sorry, in your bedroom?"
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"and you're obsessing about...roomal geography?"
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"No, fine. Go on. I-I-I'm sorry."
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"inside, I don't have some shame or confusion"
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"when...when you were...doing it? Normal,"
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"KNOCK ON DOOR"
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"I know something about you which I shouldn't really know,"
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"Do you...know?"
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"Oh. Wow, you must be Jeremy."
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"I didn't know your room"
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"they take a pounding, but they still come up smiling."
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"'I've escaped the strong, comforting arms of the sexy, affectionate man.'"
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"WHISPERING: Gregory sure loves his phone."
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"'Looking at his phone and she loves it. I could look at my phone."
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