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Clips from M*A*S*H - The Army-Navy Game (S01E01)

"—And ifit does, down is gonna be up! — Hello?"
M*A*S*H
"—There‘s an unexploded shell out there. —We know, Frank, we know."
M*A*S*H
"— We‘ve got to evacuate immediately! -I thinkl did."
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s go."
M*A*S*H
"Operator, we‘ve been cut off. Hello?"
M*A*S*H
"Hello? Hel—— Yes, yes, please hold."
M*A*S*H
"Hawkeye, Regimental Headquarters, Colonel Hersh. Was that a——"
M*A*S*H
"Yeah,yeah, don‘t panic. I‘m doing that for everybody. Go help inside."
M*A*S*H
"Hello, Colonel. Captain Pierce, 4077th M.A.S.H."
M*A*S*H
"Can you speak up?"
M*A*S*H
"— [Announcer] He‘s to the 35, the 30—— — [ Hawkeye] Hello?"
M*A*S*H
"wejust got an unexploded bomb in the middle ofthe compound,"
M*A*S*H
"— and everybody‘s waiting for the kickoff. — Steady, Captain."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s emergencies like this that separate the men from the boys."
M*A*S*H
"I‘m sure itwill."
M*A*S*H
"First, you‘re to stay put. Your whole sector is being hit very heavily."
M*A*S*H
"We‘re a medical unit!"
M*A*S*H
"Place your stethoscope on the bomb—— gently."
M*A*S*H
"Keep the vibrations and the noise down to a minimum."
M*A*S*H
"|won‘t say anything ifit doesn‘t."
M*A*S*H
"Certainly."
M*A*S*H
"|f| don‘t hear from you, I‘ll understand."
M*A*S*H
"He said ifyou follow instructions, Frank, you won‘t have any problems."
M*A*S*H
"|f| follow? Well,why me?"
M*A*S*H
"— You‘re in charge, aren‘t you? — Well... yes."
M*A*S*H
"— What‘s the scam? — We‘rejust about to draw straws to see who defuses the bomb."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘m a married man,you know. — So am |."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘m not. — You got more to live for than either of us."
M*A*S*H
"Just go out there and write down all the markings you can find."
M*A*S*H
"Most importantly, find out ifthe bomb is still ticking."
M*A*S*H
"Good luck, buddy."
M*A*S*H
"You all right, Frank?"
M*A*S*H
"Hmm? Oh, sure."
M*A*S*H
"[Breathes Deeply]"
M*A*S*H
"There."
M*A*S*H
"Odds or evens?"
M*A*S*H
"Evens."
M*A*S*H
"— Radar! -Shhhh!"
M*A*S*H
"Who are you shushing?"
M*A*S*H
"What are you doing in your stocking feet?"
M*A*S*H
"You been at the still again, right?"
M*A*S*H
"— [ Loud Whisper] I‘m working on a bomb. — What kind of bomb?"
M*A*S*H
"An unexploded bomb."
M*A*S*H
"[Whispering] Oh, that kind of bomb."
M*A*S*H
"Well?"
M*A*S*H
"The ticker‘s very faint."
M*A*S*H
"The letters, “A—Able,"
M*A*S*H
"“F—Fox, S—Sugar,"
M*A*S*H
"7-2-4-8—5.""
M*A*S*H
"Then underneath, three small circles and a square."
M*A*S*H
"It‘s not a Russian bomb, Chinese, Polish, Czech——"
M*A*S*H
"It doesn‘t even belong to the United States Army."
M*A*S*H
"— Then what do we do? — Try calling the navy."
M*A*S*H
"Because we‘re beating ‘em 1 4 to nothing."
M*A*S*H
"Radar?"
M*A*S*H
"Yes?"
M*A*S*H
"Surprised, huh, Father?"
M*A*S*H
"First time you‘ve ever seen me without a dress, right?"
M*A*S*H
"Not that you don‘t make a very nice—looking young woman as well."
M*A*S*H
"I mean, well,you know, when you wear——"
M*A*S*H
"Father, this is the suit I was drafted in."
M*A*S*H
"|wasn‘t gonna wear it till I got discharged,"
M*A*S*H
"but with that bomb out there,"
M*A*S*H
"Well, not necessarily."
M*A*S*H
"| just wanted to be sure you knew why I always wore dresses around here."
M*A*S*H
"— It‘s only that I would do anything to get out ofthe army. —I understand."
M*A*S*H
"| licked the doctor‘s ear, I jammed his letter opener in my heel."
M*A*S*H
"Not one oflife‘s volunteers, eh, son?"
M*A*S*H
"It‘s only that I was brought up to respect life, Father,"
M*A*S*H
"and that‘s impossible with all this killing."
M*A*S*H
"— Quite. — So this is the last way people are gonna see me."
M*A*S*H
"Likea person with a nice suit."
M*A*S*H
"Why, not at all."
M*A*S*H
"Commander, this is Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake, M.A.S.H. 4077th."
M*A*S*H
"Sir, we‘ve got an unexploded bomb in camp."
M*A*S*H
"We‘re trapped under constant enemy fire, we‘re loaded with wounded,"
M*A*S*H
"and the only way out of here is through our own mine field."
M*A*S*H
"Punt!"
M*A*S*H
"Why should—— I beg your pardon, sir? Did you say——"
M*A*S*H
"— Sorry—— — [Announcer] There‘s a huge pileup——"
M*A*S*H
"My advice is, hoist anchor. Shove off."
M*A*S*H
"But the army‘s orders are to stay."
M*A*S*H
"The army? What do they know?"
M*A*S*H
"Theyjust fumbled on their own one—yard line."
M*A*S*H
"Look, can you tell me whether the navy is bombing any inland targets?"
M*A*S*H
"I certainly hope so."
M*A*S*H
"Then, have you got any armature marked——"
M*A*S*H
"It‘s marked A—F—S..."
M*A*S*H
"7-2-4-8-5."
M*A*S*H
"Then there‘s three small circles underneath and a square."
M*A*S*H
"Let me get back to you."
M*A*S*H
"the way things are——"
M*A*S*H
"|fwe had only met in another time, in another place."
M*A*S*H
"|t would‘ve been nice."
M*A*S*H
"“Nice,“ Frank?"
M*A*S*H
"Just... nice?"
M*A*S*H
"Notjust nice. It would‘ve been..."
M*A*S*H
"There‘s nothing to do till that navyjoker calls."
M*A*S*H
"No, sir."
M*A*S*H
"Twenty—one, twenty."
M*A*S*H
"How do you know that, sir?"
M*A*S*H
"Ohio State—Illinois. Last game ofthe season."
M*A*S*H
"- I was team manager. -Ohh!"
M*A*S*H
"Two minutes to go. Crazy Wilensky, great quarterback."
M*A*S*H
"Got arrested the next year for punching a milk horse."
M*A*S*H
"— One foot! Can you imagine? — Twelve inches."
M*A*S*H
"Not 12 inches. One foot."
M*A*S*H
"So quick as a flash, thousands ofeyes on me,"
M*A*S*H
"Crazy fakes a handoff to Butcher Palasco,"
M*A*S*H
"And Tanker starts offand hits the ground screaming,"
M*A*S*H
"his face twisted with pain."
M*A*S*H
"— Tackled. — No, | taped the wrong leg."
M*A*S*H
"Was he mad?"
M*A*S*H
"To this day, once a year,"
M*A*S*H
"Tank Washington comes to my house and shoots out the porch light."
M*A*S*H
"And he‘s ajudge now."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘tl know your sister?"
M*A*S*H
"— I‘ll be right with you. — No, uh, Father——"
M*A*S*H
"Uh--"
M*A*S*H
"For months now, I have worshipped you from below."
M*A*S*H
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