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Clips from M*A*S*H - The Army-Navy Game (S01E01)

"Is that where you keep it?"
M*A*S*H
"You could make a little cross."
M*A*S*H
"Henry‘s not very good with his hands."
M*A*S*H
"will be the reward foryou American running dogs ofimperialism!"
M*A*S*H
"Oh, then what‘s all the excitement about?"
M*A*S*H
"[Explosion]"
M*A*S*H
"See ifthey can‘t take some ofthe heat off us."
M*A*S*H
"Don‘t be silly. I‘m too frightened to be scared."
M*A*S*H
"— Doc? — Yeah?"
M*A*S*H
"How come my nurse needs a shave?"
M*A*S*H
"— Are we dead? — Feels like heaven to me."
M*A*S*H
"— We never got through. — Let‘s try again. C‘mon."
M*A*S*H
"All right."
M*A*S*H
"— [Bomb Whistling] — Get down!"
M*A*S*H
"— Hello? — You‘re gonna have to speak up. Hard to hear with the game on."
M*A*S*H
"We got a little game ofour own."
M*A*S*H
"Not only are we pinned down by enemy fire,"
M*A*S*H
"— What about the bomb? — You have to determine ifthe bomb is still ticking."
M*A*S*H
"Then get back to me, and I‘ll tell you how to defuse it."
M*A*S*H
"Call me at halftime, will you, Captain?"
M*A*S*H
"That‘s not something you can order another man to do, is it?"
M*A*S*H
"Boy, do I know when to come into a room."
M*A*S*H
"Short match goes out and gives the bomb a physical."
M*A*S*H
"The, uh, little black tips, they go in your ears."
M*A*S*H
"You sure, Colonel? Those markings don‘t check out at all."
M*A*S*H
"Well, why would the navy drop a bomb on us?"
M*A*S*H
"I put the call in. We should have Naval Operations in a minute."
M*A*S*H
"—[ Knocking 0n Door] —[l(/inger] Father?"
M*A*S*H
"Why, Klinger!"
M*A*S*H
"I figured I‘ll be goin‘ home in a million pieces."
M*A*S*H
"Then I‘ll be back in a dress so fast, it‘ll meltyour rosary. Sorry, Father."
M*A*S*H
"Sir? Commander Sturner, Naval Operations, Seoul."
M*A*S*H
"What can I do foryou, Drake?"
M*A*S*H
"J Should auld acquaintance be forgot J"
M*A*S*H
"n i fty."
M*A*S*H
"Anyway, Tanker‘s hurt. Twisted his ankle."
M*A*S*H
"Thirty seconds to go. The ball‘s snapped to Crazy."
M*A*S*H
"and then gives it offto Tanker."
M*A*S*H
"Oh."
M*A*S*H
"I have a little confession I‘d like to make."
M*A*S*H
"I thought maybe you and I could..."
M*A*S*H
"|wish I could wink."
M*A*S*H
"I‘ll open for two blues."
M*A*S*H
"By the way, what happens ifthe bomb doesn‘t go off?"
M*A*S*H
"— [ Ringing] —Yeah?"
M*A*S*H
"What do you mean, theirs? I thought we were in this thing together."
M*A*S*H
"When it stops ticking,"
M*A*S*H
"— Mattresses? — Right there."
M*A*S*H
"Here are the tools."
M*A*S*H
"While we‘ve still got one."
M*A*S*H
"on the nutjust above the locking ring, and loosen."
M*A*S*H
"leading to the clock worl< fuse at the head"
M*A*S*H
"But first, remove the fuse."
M*A*S*H
"Let‘s get the hell outta here. We‘ve only got two minutes, maybe."
M*A*S*H
"— |‘|| seeyou. — Bye."
M*A*S*H
"— Morning, Radar. — Hi, Father."
M*A*S*H
"Ithoughtyou might bet the football pool."
M*A*S*H
"For ten bucks, this time tomorrow you could be a thousand dollars richer."
M*A*S*H
"All the wealth I want you can find in here."
M*A*S*H
"Littlejoke."
M*A*S*H
"Listen, Father, you don‘t have to write your name."
M*A*S*H
"Very well."
M*A*S*H
"Hey, Klinger, you wanna get in on the pool?"
M*A*S*H
"No. All I wanna do is get out ofthe army."
M*A*S*H
"Just keep wearin‘ those dresses."
M*A*S*H
"Uh-huh."
M*A*S*H
"— Henry, tune in the game, will ya? — I‘m tryin‘!"
M*A*S*H
"— That‘s why he became a surgeon. — Very funny!"
M*A*S*H
"Hey, hey, I got it! Here we go."
M*A*S*H
"Whoa, ho—ho!"
M*A*S*H
"[ Male,japanese—Accented] Nothing less than death..."
M*A*S*H
"He sure picked a funny way to sell used cars."
M*A*S*H
"[ Static, Tuning Stations]"
M*A*S*H
"[Male Announcer] With less than two minutes before the Army—Navy kickoff,"
M*A*S*H
"we pause for station identification."
M*A*S*H
"— This is Armed Forces Radio Service—— -Sir, $1,000!"
M*A*S*H
"[ Henry] A thousand bucks!"
M*A*S*H
"Maybe we‘ll forget the stickup. I got a better idea."
M*A*S*H
"Am I late? I had to change."
M*A*S*H
"|fyou think I‘m giving you my chair, you‘re crazy, lady."
M*A*S*H
"How ‘bout one for the Gipper?"
M*A*S*H
"Father, Notre Dame is not playing."
M*A*S*H
"There‘s an electric excitement in the stands..."
M*A*S*H
"as we prepare to witness this 53rd gridiron classic."
M*A*S*H
"— Uh—oh. — Quiet, Radar."
M*A*S*H
"— Sir, | thinkyou better forget about the game. — What?"
M*A*S*H
"Wow, that‘s close!"
M*A*S*H
"That guy can really kicka ball!"
M*A*S*H
"More on the way!"
M*A*S*H
"— Check the hospital! - 4077th M.A.S.H."
M*A*S*H
"[Henry] L wk after the bed cases first."
M*A*S*H
"[Radar] Yes, sir, we did hear."
M*A*S*H
"— Sir, have Major Burns look after the hospital. — McIntyre, have Major Burns——"
M*A*S*H
"— He‘ll work from here. — Right. I‘ll work from here."
M*A*S*H
"— Radar, who was on the phone? — Regimental Headquarters."
M*A*S*H
"— Theyjust want us to know we‘re under enemy attack. — They don‘t miss a trick."
M*A*S*H
"Also, the Navy fumbled. The Army‘s got the ball on the 35."
M*A*S*H
"Terrific. Fora minute, I thought we were in trouble."
M*A*S*H
"[Explosion]"
M*A*S*H
"— Regimental Headquarters. — Radar, get me Regimental Headquarters."
M*A*S*H
"— I‘m with you. — Pierce, are you scared?"
M*A*S*H
"Excuse me. You haven‘t seen my crucifix, have you?"
M*A*S*H
"— Someone yanked it off trying to break their fall. — No, Father."
M*A*S*H
"— Who‘s winning the game? —I don‘t know. We‘ve temporarily lost our country."
M*A*S*H
"Doctor!"
M*A*S*H
"[Explosion]"
M*A*S*H
"[Radar] Gangway!"
M*A*S*H
"Headquarters? I can‘t hearyou. Speak up, will you?"
M*A*S*H
"Fragments came through the office."
M*A*S*H
"|s thatyou, Mildred? I‘m going to bea little late, dear."
M*A*S*H
"Trapper, check him out, will you?"
M*A*S*H
"— Hello? Operator, we‘ve been cut off. — What did Headquarters say?"
M*A*S*H
"Just a moment, Pierce. With Henry in that condition, I‘m in charge here."
M*A*S*H
"Okay, Frank, go slip into your crown and robe and you tell us what to do!"
M*A*S*H
"I‘m not sure we‘ve got one."
M*A*S*H
"They‘re shelling our rears off from both sides!"
M*A*S*H
"— Hello? — [Thudding Sound]"
M*A*S*H
"Stay down."
M*A*S*H
"Stay down? Either something that was supposed to happen, didn‘t,"
M*A*S*H
"or something that didn‘t... is gonna."
M*A*S*H
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